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LOVE MADE TO ORDER, 



OTHER COMEDIES. 



BY 
1^ 



FRANCIS GELLATLY. 



CHICAGO: 

KNIGHT & LEONARD 
1885. 



Copyright, 1874, 
By FRANCIS GELLATLY. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 



PERSONS REPRESENTED: 

Mr. Craddock, Mrs. Craddock, 

Kate Craddock, Henrietta Clavering, 

Harry Tredwell, Charles Bellair, 

Sir James Jermyn. 



ACT I. 

{Mr. Craddock: s house ; Mrs. Craddock seated 
reading. Enter Mr. Craddock^) 

Craddock. All alone, my dear? Where is 
Kate? 

Mrs. Craddock. Gone out for a drive. 

Craddock. I wish I had known she was 
going. I would have liked to have gone with 
her? 

Mrs. Craddock. You would have been de 
trop ; she had an escort. 

Craddock. Am I to understand by your 
piebald expressions that she had somebody 
with her ? Perhaps that's what you mean by 
your de trops and escorts. 

Mrs. Craddock. Come, Jasper, do try and 
moderate the asperity of your expressions. 



6 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Craddock. And you, my dear, do try and 
speak one language at a time. I make no 
insinuations, but you may find good English 
quite equal to your powers. 

Mrs. Craddock. Thank you, Mr. Craddock, 
for your sneer, but when I want a lesson in 
languages I'll not go to you for it; and what's 
more, I'll speak as many of them as I like, 
and all at once if I think fit. 

Craddock. Indeed ! And so you propose 
to make of yourself a domestic Tower of 
Babel; a living monument to gibberish erected 
on the family hearth ! 

Mrs. Craddock. I declare, Jasper, you are 
the most aggravating man I ever saw. So 
unkind, too, ridiculing me in that way. I'm 
sure, I — I — {Puts her handkerchief to her face. 
Mr. C. takes her hand away and kisses her 
cheek.) 

Craddock. There, now, Molly, it's all right. 
I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, but you 
didn't tell me whether it was a whole regi- 
ment or only a company of soldiers who went 
with Kate. 

Mrs. Craddock. Jasper, are you mad ? I 
said nothing about soldiers. 

Craddock. Didn't you, though ? When you 
said Kate had an escort I naturally thought of 
soldiers. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 7 

Mrs. Craddock. Mr. Craddock, don't make 
a fool of yourself any longer. Kate went out 
with Sir James Jermyn. 

Craddock. Then you have used a very big 
word for a very small thing. 

Mrs. Craddock. If you were like any other 
reasonable man you would see that Sir James 
is 

Craddock. A very great man in his own 
estimation. 

Mrs. Craddock. You are a poor victim of 
prejudice. 

Craddock. That may be, but my daughter 
shall not be a victim of this Englishman if I 
can help it. 

Mrs. Craddock. Instead of trying to pre- 
vent it, you should be glad that your daugh- 
ter has an opportunity of becoming a noble- 
man's wife. 

Craddock. Nobleman, forsooth ! A petty 
baronet ! The lowest inheritable title in the 
British Islands ! In his own element he is 
but a minnow among big fishes. 

Mrs. Craddock. A nobleman, nevertheless, 
and his title gives him the entree to the salons 
of the highest of his class. Kate would rise 
to his position by marrying him. Think of 
her being the guest of lords and dukes and 
even princes ! 



8 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Craddock. Yes, and think of her being 
across the water away from her parents. 

Mrs. Craddock. I would go and live with 
her. 

Craddock. And desert me ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Why not ? 

Craddock. That's cool ! 

Mrs. Craddock. I mean, of course, if you 
were so foolish as to refuse to go with us. 

Craddock. I thank you for your candor. It 
will enable me to thwart your designs. It is 
fortunate that I will have an ally in Kate. 
She does not share your absurd ideas. 

Mrs. Craddock. Does it not occur to your 
wisdom that she may fall in love with Sir 
James, even if she does not think of his title ? 
At all. events I will give her a good opportu- 
nity, for I have set my heart on her being 
Lady Jermyn. 

Craddock. Did anyone ever listen to such 
incredible folly ? I tell you, Mrs. Craddock, 
this must be put a stop to. You shall not 
throw my daughter at the head of that 
foreigner. 

Mrs. Craddock. And I tell you, Mr. Crad- 
dock, that this thing shall go on. Your 
daughter, forsooth! 

Craddock. And pray, Mrs. Craddock, 
whose daughter is she, if she is not mine? 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 9 

Mrs. Craddock. Mine, sir. 

Craddock. I don't see that that makes her 
any the less mine ! 

Mrs. Craddock. Don't it, now ? I'll let you 
see before I get through with this business. 
She shall be Lady Jermyn. 

Craddock. As sure as she is my daughter 
she shall not be Lady Jermyn. 

Mrs. Craddock. If she does not obey me in 
this matter may she never be anything but 
Kate Craddock. 

Craddock. Can malice farther go ! A truly 
feminine imprecation ! To be an old maid ! 
What a calamity ! Now see how differently I 
look at it. I would think her happy in being 
Kate Craddock forever. There was a time, 
Mrs. C, when to be Molly Craddock was the 
height of your ambition. 

Mrs. Craddock. Never, Mr. Craddock. 
You came whining around me so that I took 
compassion on you. 

Craddock {taking Jier hand). Come, Molly, 
exercise a little of that feeling now, and do 
not conspire to send my dear daughter across 
the sea, even if by not doing so her name is 
destined to be always Kate Craddock. 

Mrs. Craddock. Go away with your non- 
sense. I tell you if I can help it her name 
will not be Craddock much longer, but Jer- 
myn. 



IO LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Craddock {angrily). It shall be Craddock. 

Mrs. Craddock. It sha'n't. 

Craddock. Craddock"! 

Mrs. Craddock. Jermyn ! 

Craddock. Craddock, I say. (Voices are 
heard in the adjoining room. Mr. C, hearing 
which, turns suddenly around, gesticulating 
violently, and stumbles over a footstool. Mrs. 
C. screams. At this juncture Kate and Sir 
James Jermyn enter.) 

Kate. Why, what's the matter, pa? Are 
you hurt ? 

Craddock. Oh, no, my dear. I turned 
round suddenly when I heard you coming, and 
fell over this footstool. 

Jermyn. How very annoying! These 
beastly things often make one come to grief. 
I remember once crushing a favorite poodle in 
that way. 

Kate. Poor little doggy ! 

Mrs. Craddock. I hope you were not 
injured, Sir James. 

Jermyn. Not in the least, I assure you. 
On the contrary, the little beggar afforded 
me a very soft cushion. Yes {meditatively) 
he quite broke my fall. Poor little beggar ! 

Mrs. Craddock. The reminiscence seems 
to draw you to other scenes, Sir James. 

Jermyn. Quite so ! Yes ! I was thinking 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. II 

of the poor little beast's funeral. I was chief 
mourner, you know. 

Craddock {aside). Very appropriate for 
one puppy to attend the funeral of another. 

Kate (laughing). Surely, you jest. 

Jermyn. Oh, dear, no ! It was a very sad 
affair, you know. His death nearly broke the 
heart of his mistress. She puts flowers on his 
grave to this day, you know. Poor little 
beggar ! 

Mrs. Craddock. He was a sort of heirloom 
in the family, I suppose. 

Kate. Hairloom, ma, I should say. 

Jermyn. Capital ! That's not so bad, you 
know. Hairloom! Ha!ha-a-a-a! 

Craddock. Well done, Kate ! Can't you 
tell us a dog story ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Mr. Craddock ! 

Jermyn. Oh, do, I beg, Miss Craddock. 
The annals of the canine race are quite inter- 
esting, I am sure. 

Kate (laughing.) What ! Shall we sit 
down upon the ground and tell strange stories 
of the death of dogs ? 

Jermyn. Ha ! ha-a-a-a ! It does strike one 
as odd when one thinks of it. 

Mrs. Craddock. I hope, Sir James, my daugh- 
ter does not annoy you by her levity. I con- 
fess she provokes me. 



12 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Craddock. For my part I rather like it. 

Jermyn. So do I, I assure you. Odd, though. 
Ha! ha-a-a-a ! 

Craddock. Come, Kate, let's have another 
dog story. 

Kate. I don't think of any at present, but I 
will sing you a little cat song instead. {Goes 
to the piano and sings.) 

Come all good people unto me, and listen to my ditty, 
And I'll tell you something very sad that happened to a 

Kitty, 
This Kitty, too, you all must know, was owned by Aunt 

Maria, 
And often dozed the whole night through, a-sleeping by the 

fire. 
One night this Kitty on the hearth lay snugly curled up, 
And Aunt Maria sat near by a-holding of a cup; 
And, sad to say, this cup was filled brimful of hottest tea, 
And what befell poor Kitty then was pitiful to see; 
For Aunt Maria dropped the cup thus filled with Chinese 

water, 
And all the contents fell on Kit with most terrific slaughter. 

There, now, I don't know what you all think, 
but I call that a rather feline ditty. 

Jermyn. Capital ! Feline ! Feeling ! Good, 
that, now ! Ha ! ha-a-a-a ! 

Craddock. Splendid, Kate ! Splendid ! I 
remember Aunt Maria's cat. Mr. Jermyn's 
dog story is nowhere after that, and the best 
of the joke is, it is true. 

Mrs. Craddock. Mr. Craddock ! 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 1 3 

Kate. But, pa, the dog story is more pa- 
thetic. 

Jermyn. Yes, the poor little beggar died. 
But I have to meet a friend, so I must bid you 
good morning, ladies. 

Mrs. Craddock. Sir James, let us have the 
pleasure of seeing you soon again. 

Jermyn. Thanks ! Only too happy ! {Elab- 
orately bozvs Jiimself out of the room.) 

Craddock. And so, Mrs. Craddock, that's 
the precious blockhead you wish to throw my 
daughter away upon. 

Mrs. Craddock. He's not a blockhead, and 
I say Kate shall marry him. 

Kate. Oh, dear, how unfortunate ! I'll 
never be able to keep a poodle, he'll be using 
them all for cushions. 

Mr. Craddock {laughing). And then, Kate, 
he would be all the time attending their funer- 
als as chief mourner. What a doleful com- 
panion he would be to live with ! 

Mrs. Craddock. Mr. Craddock, you ought 
to be ashamed to encourage your daughter in 
her levity. The idea ! A snip like her ridi- 
culing a man of Sir James' polished manners 
and refined education ! 

Kate. And so handsome, ma; red hair and 
a pale, freckled complexion ! 

Craddock. Yes, his head looks like a prairie 



14 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

on fire, and his complexion like a pan of but- 
termilk. 

Mrs. Craddock. Mr. Craddock, your similes 
are atrocious. You are your daughter's worst 
enemy in thus encouraging her to disobey her 
mother. 

Kate. Ma, I don't intend to disobey you. 

Craddock. How, miss ! have you the impu- 
dence to tell me that you will marry that 
puppy, even at the instigation of your mother ? 

Mrs. Craddock. She is my own daughter. 
She may laugh at your jokes to keep you in 
good humor, but she knows her true interests 
too well to disobey me in this matter. 

Kate. You are right, ma, in 

Craddock {interrupting). Have you con- 
spired to drive me mad ? I tell you, miss, you 
shall not marry this Englishman. 

Mrs. Craddock. And I tell you, Mr. Crad- 
dock, that she shall. 

Craddock. We'll see. I'll go after him this 
instant and forbid him the house. {Goes out 
in a passion.) 

Mrs. Craddock {running after hint). Stop ! 
stop ! Have you lost your senses ? 

Kate {holding up her hands in astonishment). 

Was ever little maiden placed in such a fix before, 

As I by those stern parients just passing through the door ? 

I will go after them and see that they do 
not come to blows. {Goes out.) 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 1 5 

Craddock (re-entering). Thank goodness, 
they are going out for a while, and I will have 
time for a little quiet reflection. Some counter 
movement must be thought of to put a stop to 
this business. (Pauses in meditation}) I have 
it. Henrietta ! Yes, that's it. But I wonder 
if the girl is going to sleep till night. Poor 
thing, she must be very tired. Ah ! here she 
comes. (Enter Henrietta?) How are you, my 
dear ? Are you sure you feel quite rested after 
your long journey ? 

Henrietta. Quite, thank you. I feel as 
fresh as a daisy. 

Craddock. It speaks well for your consti- 
tution; there's nothing like country air to 
build that up. But, Henrietta, you are look- 
ing more than fresh. Do you know you are 
quite handsome ? and I am glad of it. How 
becoming that blush is ! 

Henrietta. Oh, Mr. Craddock ! I'll have to 
tell your wife if you begin to make love to 
me. 

Craddock. Don't be alarmed ; I am not 
going to make love to you. As for Mrs. Crad- 
dock, if she thought I was making love to you, 
she would be delighted. 

Henrietta. That's a queer state of mind for 
a wife to be in. 

Craddock. Yes, to be sure, it's rather un- 



l6 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

usual ; but the circumstances which give rise 
to it are unusual. She would think it would 
take my mind off her nefarious designs. I 
have to keep my wits all about me to circum- 
vent her. 

Henrietta. Nefarious designs ! You aston- 
ish me ! 

Craddock. I am aware the word is a strong 
one ; but what milder expression can be used 
for a wife's deliberate attempt to destroy her 
husband's peace of mind, and break up his 
family; to scatter it to the four corners of the 
earth, as it were? [Excitedly.) 

Henrietta [aside). This is rather wild talk. 
I wonder if there is anything the matter up 
here [tapping her forehead). [A/oud.) Can 
it be possible ? 

Craddock. Yes ; strange as it may seem, it 
is a fact. You have heard of our English 
acquaintance ? 

Henrietta. Sir James Jermyn, you mean? 

Craddock. Exactly. My wife has actually 
gone mad on the baronetcy question. It is 
nothing but Sir James from morning till night. 
She even mutters his name in her sleep. 

Henrietta {laughing). Jealous, I declare ! 
Oh. fie ! Air. Craddock. You don't think your 
wife would forget herself so far as to — to 

Craddock. As to make a fool of herself, 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. \J 

you would say. That is exactly what she is 
doing. She is thrusting my daughter on his 
attention in the most indelicate manner; with 
a view to matrimony, of course. 

Henrietta. But has Kate nothing to say 
about it ? She is not a very passive individ- 
ual. She is very apt to have a mind of her 
own. 

Craddock. I don't know what to make of 
her conduct. Sometimes she seems to be 
laughing in her sleeve at the puppy, and then 
again she appears to fall in with her mother's 
views with great goodwill. Between them I 
am almost distracted. I have actually had an 
attack oi nervous dyspepsia on account of it. 
In the midst of it all I have had no one to 
confide in or consult with. So you see that 
you have come just in the nick of time. You 
can help me greatly. 

Henrietta. Only point out the way, and I 
will be most happy to aid you. We must not 
let this Englishman take her away if we can 
help it. 

Craddock. Bless you, my dear, I have a 
little plan. I want you to make love to the 
Englishman. That is the reason I am glad 
you are good-looking. 

Henrietta. I see you want me to supplant 
Kate in his good graces. 



l8 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Craddock. That's it, that's it; you have 
guessed my meaning. 

Henrietta. And so you are willing to sacri- 
fice me to save your daughter. For shame, 
Mr. Craddock ! What do you suppose pa 
would say to that ? 

Craddock. But you need not sacrifice your- 
self. Don't fall in love with him, only make 
believe; lead him on to commit himself to you. 

Henrietta. By false pretenses ? 

Craddock. Oh, pshaw ! don't frighten your- 
self with ugly names. Call it strategy. You 
need not actually lie to the man ; just make 
yourself very attractive. Help him to deceive 
himself. Be sweet on him. 

Henrietta. In other words, make myself a 
lump of sugar to attract this big fly which is 
buzzing around your daughter, much to your 
annoyance. 

Craddock. You have my idea exactly. But 
mum, here comes Kate. {Enter Kate.) 

Kate. Good morning, Henrietta. When 
did you get up ? I didn't wake you ; I thought 
I would let you sleep yourself out. 

Henrietta. Thank you. I have been up an 
hour or so. Where have you been ? 

Kate. I have been round with ma to see a 
poor old woman who had a child crushed by 
the street cars the other day. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 19 

Craddock. Where did you leave your 
mother ? 

Kate. We met Sir James Jermyn, and she 
stopped to speak to him. I hurried home to 
see after Henrietta. 

j Craddock. Confound that Englishman ! He 
seems to be prowling round in every direc- 
tion. 

Kate. You must understand, Henrietta, 
that Sir James is pa's bete noir. 

Craddock. Why don't you say bete rouge ; 
his hair is red enough to justify the name. 

Kate. It would be better, for the mere 
mention of him seems to have the same effect 
on you that the sight of a red rag has on a 
mad bull. 

Craddock. Do you hear that, Henrietta? 
What would your father say if you compared 
him to a bull ? I would not have spoken so 
to my father ; but times are changed ; nowa- 
days parents seem to be created merely for 
the amusement of their children. 

Henrietta. She was speaking of a John Bull, 
and I suppose that made her think of the com- 
parison. 

Craddock. Good! good! I see you are not 
disposed to bow down before this idol of my 
wife. 

Kate. Pa's only provoked because ma and 



20 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

I think so much of him. He does not want 
me to marry him. 

Craddock (coaxingly). Kate, now don't, 
don't say that you think so much of him. 

Kate. If it is true why shouldn't I say it ? 
You know it is naughty to tell fibs. 

Craddock. Did I ever think that I would live 
to hear my daughter say that she loved an 
Englishman ? It is enough to make her revolu- 
tionary sires rise from their graves. 

Henrietta. It is not so bad as that ; she 
said, if 

Kate. To be sure, I have not fully made up 
my mind. 

Craddock. There's a dear, now, don't make 
it up ; let it air a little longer. 

Kate. You talk about my mind as if it were 
a feather bed ; that's worse than comparing 
you to a bull. 

Craddock. Well, you minx, if you desert 
your father and go across the water with this 
Englishman for the sake of being called Lady 
Jermyn, it will show that your mind is as soft 
as a feather bed and your heart as hard as a 
stone. 

Kate. Thank you. If my mind is made of 
feathers you needn't be surprised if I fly away. 

Craddock. Was there ever such a provoking 
little hussy ! I wish that I were a bull for a 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 21 

few moments, that I might toss you on my 
horns for teasing me so. 

Kate. Listen to that, Henrietta ! Haven't 
I a nice father now ! Actually wishing to 
make a beast of himself! What would your 
father say if he heard him wanting to make 
himself a bull? {Mimicking her father}) 

Craddock (laughing). You little wretch ! 
(Shaking his finger at her.) But don't you 
marry that Englishman, now {going tozvard 
door) . 

Kate. No," pa, I'll wait till you get back. 
(They all laugh. Mr. Craddock goes out.) 

Henrietta. You have a very good-natured 
father, Kate. 

Kate. Yes, considering that he is all the 
time flying into a passion. 

Henrietta. But he seems to fly out as quick 
as he flies in. 

Kate. Yes, his temper is always on the 
wing with him, and I like to bring him down 
now and then with an occasional shot. 

Henrietta. He seems greatly worked up on 
the English question. 

Kate. Yes, and ma is as bad in her way. 

Henrietta. How about the Englishman 
himself? 

Kate. Oh, he has not declared his inten- 
tions yet. 



22 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Henrietta. Then he intends to preserve his 
nationality. 

Kate {laughing). At all events, he does not 
seem inclined to enter the state of matrimony. 
But speak, etc. {Enter Sir James, Bellair, and 
Mrs. Craddock.) 

Jermyn. I have brought your mother home 
safe, Miss Craddock, you see. My friend, Mr. 
Bellair {introducing him). 

Kate. Gentlemen, Miss Clavering {intro- 
ducing her). 

Bellair {aside in surprise). My acquaint- 
ance of the railway car. 

Mrs. Craddock. Mr. Bellair has been telling 
us an adventure which has greatly astonished 
Sir James. 

Jermyn. Yes, I confess I thought it quite 
queer, not exactly the thing, you know. 

Kate. What was it ? 

Bellair. Oh, nothing, a mere commonplace 
occurrence not worth mentioning. 

Jermyn. What would you say to his form- 
ing the acquaintance of a beautiful young lady 
in the cars who was traveling all alone, mind 
you ? and the best of the joke is her mother 
sent her on the journey ! {Henrietta, who has 
been much embarrassed, leaves the room.) 

Kate. You would not have had her go with- 
out permission, would you ? 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 23 

Jermyn. Really now, you Americans are a 
queer lot ; you don't seem to appreciate the 
impropriety. 

Bellair. Pray what is the impropriety ? 

Jermyn (with a piizzled air). The impro- 
priety ! It's odd, now, that I can't think of 
the right word, but it must be wrong, you 
know {brightening). They don't do so in 
England. 

Mrs. Craddock. I agree with Sir James, 
there is a lack of proper dignity about it ; who 
knows but 

Jermyn {interrupting). Thanks, Madame ! 
My idea! A lack of dignity — who knows 
but, yes but, that's it. Something might hap- 
pen, you know. 

Bellair. Something did happen in this case. 
I think I have fallen in love. 

Kate. There's an argument, now, fit to upset 
all your sea-girt notions, Sir James. 

Jermyn. I beg pardon ! Sea-girt notions ? 
( With an inquiring look.) 

Bellair. The sea surrounds your country, 
Sir James. 

Jermyn. Oh ! I see ! Ha ! ha-a-a-a ! Sea- 
girt notions ! I owe you one, my fair antag- 
onist. 

Bellair. I think you had better retreat at 
present, for you are fairly vanquished. 



24 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Jermyn. I agree with you, I assure you ; 
au revoir, ladies ! {They go out.) 

END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 



{Mr. Craddock' s house. Enter Tredwell, letter 
in hand.) 

Tredzvell. I wonder what the old lady can 
mean ? She says here {reading), " Come pre- 
pared to stay some time. I want your assist- 
ance in a matter I have set my heart upon." 
But I wonder why she keeps me waiting. I 
think I hear her voice in the other room. I'll 
see if she is there. {Opens door, disclosing 
Mrs. Craddock witJi her back to him before a 
mirror, bowing and talkiifg to Jierself. He 
stands astonished.) 

Mrs. Craddock. I thank your highness for 
this honor ; my daughter, Lady Jermyn, will 
be here in a moment. Yes, thank you, the 
climate of England agrees very well with her. 
Indeed, we both find it delightful. Ah, my 
lord, much obliged to you for favoring us so 
early. {Bozving, as she does so she turns round y 
and seeing T. gives a scream, exclaiming!) Oh, 
Harry, how you frightened me. I declare, I 
feel quite faint. When did you come ? 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 25 

Tredwell {advancing and supporting her to 
a seat). I have just arrived. Not finding you 
in the other room, I looked in here. 

Mrs. Craddock. I was looking at the sit of 
my dress, and your sudden entrance startled 
me. How my heart beats ! Have you come 
prepared to stay ? 

Tredwell. Yes, and I am quite anxious to 
know what it is you have for me to do. 

Mrs. Craddock {with a grave air). Well, 
you see, Kate is of a marriageable age. 

Tredwell. Is she ? Does she know it ? 
{With mock wonder.) 

Mrs. Craddock. Your simplicity amuses 
me. Of course she does. At that age moth- 
ers have to handle their daughters very care- 
fully. 

Tredwell. Are they liable to break ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Yes; their hearts, unless 
their affections are properly directed. You 
will see, then, that I am anxious to have Kate 
well settled in life. 

Tredwell. And you need my assistance to 
settle her ? Is that it ? 

Mrs. Craddock. I want you to help me 
remove an obstacle in the way of a match I 
have in view for her. 

Tredwell. Is the obstacle alive ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Yes. 



■» 



26 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Tredwell. Good heavens, aunt ! I hope 
you don't want me to kill anybody. 

Mrs. Craddock. On the contrary, I want 
you to make love. 

Tredwell. Is the obstacle pretty? 

Mrs. Craddock. Quite. 

Tredwell. C'est bien co?ivcnable, as a 
Frenchman would say. 

Mrs. Craddock. Never mind the French- 
man. What do you say ? 

Tredwell (in an eager manner). I agree 
with the Frenchman. I am eager to begin. 
Bring along your obstacle. 

Mrs. Craddock. Hush ! Don't be obstrep- 
erous. You must go about this thing deliber- 
ately, in a business-like manner. 

Tredwell. Well, then, to begin. Am I 
engaged by the day, or by the job ? 

Mrs. Craddock. I engage you by the day 
till the job is finished. 

Tredwell. I see I must read up on love. 
I must cram. Somebody wrote a book called 
the art of love. I'll get it. 

Mrs. Craddock. Let the books alone and 
attend to me. You must understand that 
Kate has an opportunity of becoming the wife 
of an English nobleman, Sir James Jermyn. 
You may have heard his name mentioned. 

Tredivell. I think I did hear the name not 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER.' 2J 

very long ago. {Aside.) That's the name the 
old lady was muttering when I came in. 

Mrs. Craddock. Well, Kate has a friend 
stopping with her who seems inclined to set 
her cap at him. 

Tredwell. The obstacle, you mean ? O, 
Lord, does she wear caps ? 

Mrs. Craddock {laughing). I tell you she 
is young and pretty, and that is why I am 
uneasy; not that she is at all comparable to 
Kate. 

Tredwell {emphatically). I should think not. 

Mrs. Craddock {quickly). What's that? 
You should think not, eh ? What do you 
know of the difference between her and Kate ? 
You should think not ! 

Tredwell. Of course I should when you 
say so. {Aside?) What a suspicious old lady! 
I must take care, or I won't be able to make 
love by the day very long in this house. 

Mrs. Craddock. It's a fact, whether you 
say it or not, but I am nevertheless desirous 
that you should attract as much of her atten- 
tion as possible, so as to draw her away from 
the baronet. 

Tredwell {with much gravity). 

But, my cherished aunt, I pray 
Tell me what's to be my pay 
For making love by the day. 



28 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Mrs. Craddock. Featherbrain ! Is not love, 
like virtue, its own reward ? But I'll see 
that you get a more substantial compensa- 
tion. I will have Sir James invite you over 
to England for the shooting. 

Tredwell. Indeed ! 

Mrs. Craddock {going toward the door). 
And now I will go and bring her. 

Tredwell. The obstacle ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Yes, and you can com- 
mence operations immediately. {Goes out.) 

Tredwell {musing). I wonder if the old 
lady is mad. Who knows ? She may be 
touched by the frost of age and her reason 
slightly withered. 

Mr. Craddock {who unobserved has been sit- 
ting in a JiigJi-backed chair in the corner of 
the room, suddenly faces him, exclaiming). Of 
course she is. 

Tredwell {looks up, stares at him for a mo- 
ment speechless, and then exclaims). Uncle, 
did you come through the ceiling ? There 
seems to be a most extraordinary state of 
affairs in this house. 

Craddock. Well may you say so ! If this 
thing goes on much longer it will be a case of 
straight jacket and bread and water. Did you 
hear her as you came in ? 

Tredwell. She seemed to be going through 
some imaginary scene. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 29 

Craddock. You didn't understand it as well 
as I did. She imagined that Kate was mar- 
ried to this Englishman, and that she was in 
her house, in England, receiving some noble 
visitors, princes, and so on. She has become 
a monomaniac on the subject. 

Tredwell. You overheard our conversation ? 

Craddock. Of course. I have to watch her 
as a cat does a mouse, and I conceal myself in 
many a corner round the house for the pur- 
pose of finding out what I can. It is my only 
means of circumventing her. But she is sly! 
Oh, very sly, I tell you. One of the signs of 
incipient insanity, you know. 

Tredwell. According to your own account 
you seem to have the signs pretty well devel- 
oped yourself, uncle. 

Craddock. Oh, with me it is different. 
But whether she is insane or not, I must save 
my daughter from her and the clutches of this 
Englishman, and you can help me. 

Tredwell. What ! Retained on both sides ? 
But would it be fair to my client who has just 
left the room, to engage with you ? 

Craddock. Pay no attention to her; I tell 
you she is mad. 

Tredzvell. Then you would have me betray 
her? 

Craddock. Of course ; treason to her is 
loyalty to Kate. 



30 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Tredwell. You have a very persuasive way 
with you. I think I will accept a retainer 
from you ; but there is an obstacle. 

Craddock. The obstacle is not in our way. 
She is trying to make the baronet fall in love 
with her, so that he may not think of Kate. 

Tredzvell. And I have engaged to make 
love to her, so that she may not think of the 
baronet. But as far as I can see, poor Kate is 
left out in the cold in this arrangement. She'll 
have nobody to make love to her. 

Craddock. Harry, you rascal, you are laugh- 
ing at me. But if you feel so bad about it, 
you will be glad to know that I want you to 
make love to Kate a little, just the least mite, 
you know. Isn't that a bright idea, now ? 

Tredzvell {aside). Delicious idea! {Aloud.) 
What a head you have, uncle ! You are fit 
for stratagems, if not for treason. And so 
you propose to spoil your wife's little game by 
interposing my superior attractions between 
Kate and the baronet. 

Craddock. In addition to this, I want you 
to keep an eye to what is going on here. In 
a quiet sort of way, you know. Slyly ! slyly ! 
you rascal. 

Tredzvell. Oh, I see ! You wish me to de- 
velop some of the signs of incipient insanity ; 
in short, to conform to the customs of this 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 3 1 

house, to prowl round on voyages of domestic 
discovery, and so on. 

Craddock. Yes, yes; but above all things, 
be in the way whenever Kate and the baronet 
are together. Come between them in every 
sort of way that you can invent. 

Tredwell. What excuse will I have for be- 
ing in the house so much ? 

Craddock. Oh, you know you are fond of 
reading, of quite a literary turn, in fact ; 
been so from a boy. Never played truant in 
your life, you rascal (laughing). 

Tredwell. Oh, yes, and I am writing a 
book, and have come here to get the benefit of 
your fine library. How stupid it was in me to 
forget that ! {With mock annoyance.) 

Craddock. Poor fellow, what a bad memory 
you have. Case of softening of the brain, I 
am afraid. {They both laugh.) 

Tredivell. Now, let me see if I understand 
my duties clearly. First, I am engaged by the 
day to make love to the obstacle. Second, I 
am to make love to Kate. 

Craddock. Only a little, mind, only a little. 

Tredwell. Oh ! I understand, just enough 
to amuse her. 

Craddock. That's it, that's it. 

Tredivell. Third, I am to prevent the En- 
glishman from making love to Kate. Fourth, 



32 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

I am to encourage him to make love to the 
obstacle. Fifth, I am to help the obstacle to 
make love to him ; and, sixth, I am to prowl 
round generally, and see that all this love is 
made according to order. {After a pause.) 
Uncle, I think I'll need a clerk. 

Craddock {laughing). I will be your clerk. 

Tredzvell. But I can't transact all this busi- 
ness without some commission. 

Craddock. Commission ! What do you 
mean, you scamp ? 

Tredzvell. Perquisites in the shape of a few 
kisses now and then. I think I deserve a little 
encouragement. 

Craddock. In moderation, you young vil- 
lain ! In moderation ! Mind you, not many ! 
not many ! 

Tredzvell. At a time, you mean ; certainly, 
certainly. Now, uncle, have we thought of 
everything ? 

Craddock. You remind me. I had nearly 
forgotten a very important item. You had 
better keep a little book like this which I have 
been keeping for some time back {taking a 
?neiuora?idu7n book from his pocket). I'll read 
a few extracts to give you an idea of what I 
mean. {Reads.) " Monday, Bat. (contraction 
for baronet, like it suggestive of his intellec- 
tual blindness) stayed an hour. Kate yawned 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 33 

five times; watched her closely; can't be mis- 
taken ; good sign. Tuesday, Bat. again ; hair 
never seemed to me more disgustingly red. 
Kate called it auburn ; the little wretch lied. 
Saturday, Bat. an hour; more idiotic than 
usual. Mrs. Craddock made an ass of herself, 
of course." There, you see the sort of thing 
I want. 

Tredwell. Oh ! that's the sort of thing, is 
it ? You excel as a historian ; quite a vigor- 
ous style. But, uncle, will you take a little 
piece of advice from me ? 

Craddock. Certainly, my dear boy, cer- 
tainly. What is it ? 

Tredwell. Don't let the baronet get hold 
of that. 

Craddock. Why ? 

Tredwell. He might sue you for libel. 

Craddock. My remarks are rather satirical, 
I must confess. 

Tredzvell. I wonder what has become of 
aunt. She went to bring the young lady she 
engaged me to make love to. 

Craddock. I can't imagine ; but it will not 
do for her to find us in consultation. She 
might suspect something; so I will leave you 
for the present. {Goes out.) 

Tredwell {alone)'. And so, my dear uncle, 
you detest this Englishman. On the contrary, 
3 



34 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

he meets my views. He affords me my oppor- 
tunity. He is making the breach by which I 
propose to enter this castle and seize its fair 
princess. {Takes a paper from his pocket.) I 
have endeavored to sketch her likeness here. 
Let me sit down and add a few touches to the 
portrait. (Seats himself, picks up a book, 
opens it, lays paper on it, takes his pencil, and 
is occupying himself with it when Be Hair en- 
ters, who on seeing him exclaims :) 

Bellair. Harry Tredwell, as I am a sinner ! 

Tredwell. Bellair ! I thought you had gone 
to California. This is the last place on earth 
I would have looked for you. But I need not 
be surprised at anything that happens in this 
house. 

Bellair. And I am as much astonished to 
meet you. You seem quite at home and 
studious. 

Tredwell. Yes, I am writing a book, and 
have come here to consult uncle's library. 

Bellair. But this is not the library. 

Tredivell (looking about apparently aston- 
ished). True enough ! How could I have got 
in here ? My absent-mindedness grows on 
me. All great students are afflicted in that 
way, however. 

Bellair. You a great student ! You seem 
to have turned over a new leaf. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 35 

Tredwell {looking at the book). Yes, I turned 
over one just as you came in. But what 
brings you here ? 

Bellair. I will tell you a secret. I have 
come to make love. 

Tredwell. What ! Are you engaged by the 
day, too ? O Lord ! Lord ! Aunt must be 
mad. 

Bellair. What the devil's the matter with 
you ? What's all the row about ? It seems to 
me that it is you who are mad. 

Tredwell {with a tragic air). "I am not 
mad ! I am not mad ! but soon shall be !" 

Bellair. Damn it, Harry, are you drunk ? 

Tredivell {mournfully). Alas! no. Too 
early in the day ! Too early in the day ! 

Bellair. Don't feel so bad about it. There 
is plenty of time before midnight. 

Tredivell. You mistake, Charley, you 
mistake the cause of my grief. To think that 
my poor aunt should have engaged you to 
make love by the day too ! Oh ! She has 
taken leave of her senses ; there can be no 
doubt about it. 

Bellair. And you have followed her exam- 
ple. What do you mean by your aunt engag- 
ing me to make love ? She knows nothing 
about my love making. 

Tredwell. What a relief! I really was 



2,6 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

alarmed. You must understand that she has 
engaged me to make love to a young lady 
who is stopping here. 

Bellair. The devil she has! {Aside}) It 
must be Henrietta. 

Tredwell. And the best of the joke is, I 
have agreed to do it. 

Bellair {sarcastically). How funny ! 

Tredwell. And I was afraid she had en- 
gaged you for the same purpose. 

Bellair. I wish that she had, for I think 
that you are talking about my Henrietta. 

Tredwell. Your Henrietta ! What makes 
her yours ? 

Bellair. The right of discovery. 

Tredwell. Where did you find her ? 

Bellair. In a railway car. 

Tredwell. But how did you learn that she 
was here ? 

Bellair. A friend of the family brought me 
here. 

Tredwell. What is his name ? 

Bellair. Sir James Jermyn. 

Tredwell. Don't call him a friend of the 
family. His red head is emblematic of what 
he has been in this house : a firebrand ! 

Bellair. You astonish me ; he is a good- 
natured, gentlemanly fellow enough. 

Tredwell. Let me give you a hint of the 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 37 

situation. Aunt wants a baronet for a son-in- 
law. Uncle does not want an English one. 
It is war to the knife with them ; neither will 
yield, and the domestic convulsion threatens 
to bring the house about their ears. I am to 
be in the thick of the fight, and I like it. 

Bellair. On which side are you engaged ? 

Tre dwell. Both. 

Bellair. But you must betray one. 

Tredzvell. Both. 

Bellair. What an unconscionable rascal ! 
What's your motive for such treachery ? 

Tredzvell. Love ; and everything is fair in 
love and war. 

Bellair. Oh, I see ; you want the daughter 
for yourself. 

Tredzvell. And her father has engaged me 
to make love to her. 

Bellair. Indeed ! 

Tredzvell {smiling). Only enough to amuse 
her, you know. 

Bellair {laughing). You must be an adept 
in diplomacy. Perhaps you can help me. 

Tredzvell. Certainly ; let us form an 
alliance, offensive and defensive. We'll bring 
the old lady into our confidence. She will be 
only too glad to help us, for she's very much 
afraid that the baronet will take a fancy to 
Henrietta ; have you any encouragement in 
that quarter ? 



38 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Bellair. Oh, you know faint heart never 
won fair lady. 

Tredwell. That's right. Courage, mon 
enfant. Here comes aunt ! {Enter Mrs. C.) 

Mrs. Craddock. Good evening, Mr. Bellair. 

Bellair. Good evening, madame. 

Tredwell. Bellair is an old chum of mine, 
aunt. We have been having a confidential 
chat together. Now, I'll wager you can't pic- 
ture to yourself the state of his mind. 

Bellair. I have no doubt your aunt would 
rather be excused from taking the trouble. 

Mrs. Craddock. I really could not say what 
it is. 

Tredwell. I see picturing the mind is a 
style of painting you are not an adept at; let 
me sketch it for you: He is irresistibly, madly 
in love. What do you say to that, now ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Let me look at you, 
Harry. Have you been taking anything? 

Tredwell. Only a survey of my friend's 
mental condition. 

Mrs. Craddock. I hardly see the propriety 
of my expressing any opinion on the subject. 

Tredwell. What if I were to tell you that 
he loves Henrietta with a flame that all the 
waves of time cannot extinguish ? 

Mrs. Craddock. I should say, in that case, 
that he has my best wishes if {hesitating). 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 39 

Bellair. Madame, I think I can satisfy 
you 

Tredwell {interrupting). All right, aunt, I 
know all about him. He is very high-toned. 
If not the noblest Roman of them all, he is a 
connection of that highly respectable indi- 
vidual. 

Bellair {laughing). After such an eloquent 
eulogy you can no longer hesitate to favor my 
suit, madame. 

Mrs. Craddock. She will be here in a mo- 
ment, and you can plead your cause in per- 
son. {Enter Kate and Henrietta?) 

Kate. Why, Harry Tredwell, how do you 
do ? What brings you here ? 

Tredivell. That's hospitable, I must say ! 

Bellair. Miss Craddock, if you are as well 
acquainted with him as I am you will be sur- 
prised to learn that he is writing a book. 

Kate. Writing a book. 

Mrs. Craddock. A book ! Harry, a book ? 

Tredivell. Perhaps you don't think there is 
calf enough about me for a book. 

Kate. Harry, let me make you acquainted 
with Miss Clavering. 

Tredwell {bowing). Won't you take my 
part, Miss Clavering? You see how they are 
abusing me. 

Henrietta. Perhaps they are surprised that 



40 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

a person of your ability should do such a fool- 
ish thing. 

Kate. Precisely, Henrietta. We are sur- 
prised that a person of his ability should do 
such a thing. 

Bellair. We are like Job, Harry; we want 
our enemies, not our friends, to write books. 

Tredwell. True, it is a painful job to write 
one. 

Kate. If that remark is a specimen of the 
style of your book, I can't say that I admire 
it. " Painful job ! " Disgusting ! {Henri- 
etta and Bellair go apart and seat themselves 
and appear to converse?) 

Tredwell. Indeed ! Wasn't Job painful ? 
He was boiling over with pain. 

Kate. The atrocious use you are making of 
that old Hebrew's misfortunes gives him an- 
other claim to our pity. {Enter Sir J. J.) 

Sir James Jermyn. Good evening, my fair 
antagonist. I am glad you are in a merciful 
humor. I overheard you, you see. 

Kate. Good evening, Sir James ! Let me 
present to you an object of my pity, Mr. 
Tredwell 

Jermyn. Do you know, my dear fellow, 
I rather envy you ? For one of our poets, 
you know, has said that pity is — ah, that pity 
is — ah, you see what I mean, I fancy? 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 41 

Tredwell. " Pity is achin' to love," you would 
say. 

Jennyn. Ha ! ha-a-a-a ! Not bad, that, 
now! Ha! ha-a-a-a ! A very clever turn of 
expression, to be sure. You would have us 
understand that pity is anxious to love. 

Kate. Now you see, Sir James, why he 
excites my compassion. He intends that sort 
of thing for wit. 

Jermyn. Ungrammatical, to be sure, but 
not bad. I have heard worse. 

Mrs. Craddock. We overlook a good deal 
in my nephew; he is a privileged character 
among us, Sir James. 

Kate. The family jester, a position similar 
to that of the court 

Tredwell. Stop, stop, Kate, don't com- 
plete the sentence; you have been sufficiently 
complimentary already. As for me, I'll take 
refuge in my book for awhile. {Goes apart, sits 
down, and begins to read. Kate and Sir James 
seat themselves and engage in conversation. 
Mrs. C. sits down by herself, using Jier fan. 
Enter Mr. C, who takes a seat by Tredivell.) 

Craddock {aside to Tredivell). Harry, you 
are not keeping a very sharp lookout. Just 
see what Kate and Henrietta are about. 

Tredwell (aside to Craddock). Yes, I am. 
(Aloud.) Sir James ! 



42 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Jenny n. Well, my studious friend, I am 
listening. 

Tredwell. I am reading about your ances- 
tors. 

Jermyn. My ancestors ! 

Mrs. Craddock. How interested you must 
be, Sir James, in everything relating to your 
noble ancestors. 

Tredwell. They didn't wear any breeches. 
{They all exclaim in astonishment^ and look at 
Jiim amazed?) 

Craddock {aside to Tredwell}. Good shot, 
Harry ! Woke them all up. 

Jermyn. Really, my young friend has made 
a discovery which astonishes me. There is no 
tradition of that kind in our family. 

Tredwell. Worse than that, they didn't 
wear any clothes at all. If you doubt me lis- 
ten. (Reads.) ■" The Romans retired in disgust 
from the pursuit of naked savages." He is 
speaking of the ancient Britons. 

Bellair. Then the Romans would have re- 
tired in disgust from the pursuit of Adam and 
Eve. 

Jermyn. I fancy you don't find that in 
Debrett. 

Craddock. What's the book, Harry ? 

Tredwell. Gibbon's " Decline and Fall of the 
Roman Empire." Will you look at it yourself, 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 43 

Sir James ? {Offers him the book; in doing so 
drops it on his foot.) 

Jermyn {in pain). Oh ! ah ! Confound the 
book. 

Kate . Sir James would rather have declined 
that fall. 

Tredzvell {ivith much gravity). Don't abuse 
this history, Sir James, for histories are the 
biographies of nations, and when their temples 
are in ruins and their people in their graves, 
these books, like kind friends, stay behind to 
speak a good word for them after they are 
gone. 

Craddock. Damn it, Harry, are you going 
to deliver a sermon ? 

Bellair. Do you call it a good word to de- 
scribe a people as naked savages who excited 
disgust in their enemies ? 

Craddock. Gibbon, who was an English- 
man, should have spoken more respectfully of 
his ancestors. 

Jermyn. Don't you think, now, there is a 
good deal of rot about this ancestor business ? 

Tredzvell {sententionsly). If they have been 
buried long enough, undoubtedly. 

Jermyn. Ha ! ha-a-a-a ! You mistake my 
meaning entirely, I assure you. Rot is our 
English word for humbug, you know. 

Kate {picking tip a piece of paper which 



44 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

dropped out of the book). What's this? I de- 
clare, Harry has been taking notes ; let me 
read them. 

Tredwell. No ! no ! Give it to me ; give it 
to me, Kate. {Tries to take it from her.) 

Kate. Here, pa, you read it {holding it out 
to him, T. still trying to get it). 

Craddock {takes it). Verses, I declare. 
{They all exclaim, "Read ! read /") 

Tredwell. Uncle, I beg of you, don't. 

Craddock. Can't pay any attention to your 
modesty. {Reads.) 

I know a little lass, a pretty little lass, 

A merry little lass is she ; 
In her face as a glass, in her face as a glass, 

Her merry little thoughts I see. 

This merry little maid is a kind little maid, 

A tender little heart has she ; 
In her eye there's. a shade, in her eye there's a shade, 

That softens the light of its glee. 

I love this little maid, this merry little dear, 

Not any love could truer be ; 
I'll whisper in her ear, I'll whisper in her ear, 

And perhaps she'll say yes to me. 

Craddock {looking at Tredzvell). You'll whis- 
per in her ear ! you'll whisper in her ear ! 

Tredwell {smiling). Only enough to amuse 
her, uncle. 

Jermyn. Not a bad way to make love, you 
know. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 45 

Kate. Is that the way you do, Sir James ? 

Jermyn. Would you really like to know, 
now ? 

Kate. I have the curiosity natural to a 

Jermyn. A merry little lass, a pretty little 
lass, as our friend here says. 

Craddock {aside to Tredwell). Confound 
the puppy ! Actually making love to her be- 
fore us all ! Harry, can't you separate them ? 

Tredwell. Miss Clavering, will you let us 
have some music ? 

Henrietta {going to the piano). What shall 
I play ? Oh, here's a nice polka. {Plays.) 

Tredwell. Come, Kate (puts his arm round 
her waist and dances out of the room with her.) 

Mrs. Craddock. Do you not dance, Sir 
James ? Kate delights in it. 

Jermyn. Very fond of it, I assure you, but 
our friend's historical studies have interfered 
with my dancing for this evening. My foot 
pains me. I think I must go and get my boot 
off. Good evening. {Limps toivard the door.) 

Mrs. Craddock. I will have my nephew 
taught better manners by the next time you 
call, Sir James. 

Jermyn. Oh, don't, I beg of you ; he is very 
amusing as he is. {Goes out.) 

Craddock. Damn that puppy ! 

Henrietta. Oh, fie, Mr. Craddock ! Swear- 



46 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

ing! See, you have frightened me out of the 
room. {Goes out with Bellair.) 

Mrs. Craddock. Swear away, Mr. Craddock, 
swear away ; you can't prevent it by swearing. 
He has fallen in love with her and I will be a 
nobleman's mother-in-law in spite of you. 

Craddock. You old idiot ! 

Mrs. Craddock {zvith dignity'). Thank you, 
Mr. Craddock ; in your present humor you 
are not fit company for me. {Goes out.) 

Craddock {alone). My plans don't appear to 
work well. Kate seems to be yielding to her 
mother's wishes. I wonder if she can be daz- 
zled by a title. If something is not done 
speedily I am afraid this Englishman will get 
her. I was in hopes I could have kept her a 
little longer with me. {Pauses in meditation. 
Tredwell, who has entered unperceived, ex- 
claims :) 

Tredwell. Why so pensive, uncle ? 

Craddock. What ! You there, Harry ? I 
am feeling quite sad. 

Tredwell. What is the cause of your sad- 
ness ? 

Craddock. I am afraid that in spite of all I 
can do I am going to lose my daughter. 

Tredwell. Lose her ! How are you going 
to lose her ? 

Craddock. The Englishman, Harry, the 
Englishman ! 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 47 

Tredwell. He is a nice enough fellow in his 
way ; not our kind exactly, but not so bad 
after all. 

Craddock. Harry, don't, don't you desert 
me in this my hour of need. Henrietta has sig- 
nally failed me, and if you abandon me I will 
give up in despair. 

Tredwell. Can you think of no way to pre- 
vent the Englishman carrying off Kate ? 

Craddock. I have not an idea. I begin to 
think that fate and Mrs. Craddock are too 
much for me. 

Tredwell. Leave it all to me, and I will 
undertake that the Englishman sha'n't get 
her. 

Craddock. Well, you will have my blessing 
if you succeed. Now, Harry, what is your 
first move ? 

Tredwell. That you say to me that your 
opposition to this English match is all make 
believe. 

Craddock. I don't see how that is going to 
help matters. 

Tredwell. I do ; but you must not ask me 
to explain. I must have full power in this 
matter or I cannot proceed. 

Craddock. Well, then, Harry, have it your 
own way. My opposition to this English 
match is all make believe. Where did you 
leave Kate ? 



48 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Tredwell. With her mother. She took us 
to task for bouncing out of the room the way 
we did, and I left them, as I saw my presence 
was not wanted. 

Craddock. I'll go and look after them. 
{Goes out.) 

Tredwell. Kate ! Kate ! My fair tormenter, 
you will not escape me now. Pretty bird, I 
think I already see you struggling in the net I 
am preparing for you. I must retire to dream 
over this delightful idea. {Goes out.) 

END OF ACT II. 



ACT III. 



{Mr. Craddock 's library. Tredwell seated 
readi?ig. Enter Kate.) 

Kate. Hem! Hem! {Tredwell pays no 
attention^) O pshaw ! Can't you stop staring 
at that stupid book ? 

Tredwell. The book is not stupid, but I 
will stop staring if you want me to. 

Kate. Are you reading about Sir James 
Jermyn's ancestors again ? 

Tredwell. Not at all. The Englishman 
does not occupy my thoughts as much as he 
appears to do yours. 

Kate. He does occupy a good deal of my 
time. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 49 

Tredzvell. He seems to be very fond of 
your company. 

Kate. Yes, and I am afraid I will have to 
marry him. 

Tredzvell. I think it is very likely. Your 
father told me that his opposition to the match 
was all make believe. 

Kate. Can it be possible ? 

Tredzvell. Perhaps your father thinks it is 
the best way to manage you and your mother. 
He knows you are both fond of having your 
own way. 

Kate. Who would have thought that father 
was so sly ? Harry, what shall I do ? 

Tredzvell. Marry him, I suppose. (Begin- 
ning to read again.) 

Kate. And is that all you care about it ? 

Tredzvell. Oh, you want me to be enthusi- 
astic about it ! Well, then, how glad I am 
that you will have a rich man and a baronet 
for a husband! 

Kate {after a pause). Is she a very pretty 
girl, Harry? 

Tredzvell. What particular she do you refer 
to? 

Kate. Oh, you know very well. 

Tredzvell. I am at a loss to imagine what 
you are driving at. We were not talking 
about any girl but you. 
4 



50 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Kate. Oh, you know I refer to the girl you 
wrote about in those verses pa read the other 
night. 

Tredwell. I don't see how she can interest 
you. 

Kate. I would like to know her. She must 
be a very nice girl from your description. 
Don't you think so ? 

Tredwell. I do indeed. 

Kate. Are you going to marry her, Harry ? 

Tredwell (sharply). What's that to you ? 

Kate (pensively). Don't be so sharp with 
me, Harry. If I am going to be sent away 
with this Englishman, I would like to know 
that you are to be happy before I go, that's 
all. 

Tredwell. Bless you, dear Kate, what would 
you say if I was thinking of you when I wrote 
the verses ? 

Kate. Oh, Harry! are you going to whis- 
per in my ear ? 

Tredzvell (putting his arm round her). Will 
you say yes if I do ? 

Kate. Yes. 

Tredwell (kissing her). Now we understand 
each other, Kate. 

Kate. But how are we to escape the En- 
glishman ? I am ashamed to ask pa to let me 
off now, since I have opposed him so long. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 5 1 

Besides, he would not do it, anyway, if he is 
so anxious for me to marry him. 

Tredwell. Don't say a word to him about 
this. Leave everything to me ; I have a plan. 

Kate. What is it ? 

Tredwell. I will explain as matters devel- 
op. In the meantime, if the Englishman asks 
you to marry him, say yes. 

Kate. But Harry ! 

Tredwell. You must trust to me implicitly. 

Kate. Well, I must leave you now, for I 
promised to go out with Henrietta. {Goes out.) 

Tredwell. I begin to see my way clearly. 
Making love to order is not so disagreeable 
when it is the very thing you would have done 
had you not been requested to do it. 
{Enter jfennyn.) 

Jermyn. Ah ! my studious friend, one is 
pretty sure of finding you at your books. I 
was told that the ladies were out, and that 
you were in here. 

Tredwell. Good morning, Sir James. Glad 
to see you. I am sorry you are disappointed 
about the ladies. 

Jermyn. It is not exactly the polite thing 
to you, you know, but I must say I am dis- 
appointed. 

Tredwell. Oh, don't imagine that I feel 
hurt because you don't find my company as 



52 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

agreeable as the ladies'. We poor book worms 
are so busy gnawing at our books that we 
cannot be pleasant companions, and we would 
be foolish to expect people to think so. 

Jermyn. My dear fellow, you are hardly 
fair to yourself. I am sure you are sometimes 
quite a lively worm, to carry out your simile. 
Ha ! ha-a-a-a ! I have you there, I think. 

Tredwell. Yes, Sir James, you are like the 
early bird; you have caught the worm, although 
you have missed the ladies. 

Jermyn. It's odd, now, how one does miss 
the ladies. 

Tredwell. Especially those we are accus- 
tomed to meet often. 

Jermyn. Yes, they say if one has a fancy 
for any of them he feels quite lost if he is not 
with them all the time. 

Tredwell. How many of them do you gen- 
erally fancy at once, Sir James ? 

Jermyn. My dear fellow, do you take me 
for a Turk ? One at a time is enough for any 
Christian. I don't know that I ever fancied 
any one, however. 

Tredwell. Maybe there is one tugging at 
your heart strings now, without your knowing 
it. 

Jermyn. I must confess I have been feel- 
ing rather queer of late. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 53 

TredwelL What have been your symp- 
toms, Sir James ? 

Jermyn. A sort of seedy, restless feeling, 
you know; don't enjoy my beer, and all that 
sort of thing. It's beastly annoying, I assure 
you. 

TredwelL Yes, yes, you are in love; can't 
be any doubt of it. Is there no place where 
this restlessness leaves you ? 

Jermyn. Now that you mention it, I think 
I don't feel much of it in this house, you 
know. 

TredwelL You mean when the ladies are 
here. 

Jermyn. Odd, now, that that never oc- 
curred to me before. You are deucedly clever, 
do you know ? 

TredwelL It is clear to me that you are in 
love with one of the ladies of this house. 

Jermyn. Now, really ! I wonder which one 
it can be; they are all so agreeable, you 
know. 

TredwelL Perhaps it is aunt. 

Jermyn. Oh dear, no ! my dear fellow. I 
am not a Frenchman, to fall in love with other 
men's wives. 

TredwelL It can't be Miss Clavering ; for 
your friend Bellair is after her. 

Jermyn. Queer, I never noticed that, now, 
do you know ? 



54 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Tredivell. That's proof conclusive that you 
are not in love with her. 

Jenny 11. There is only one left. 

Tredivell. It must be she. 

Jermyn. I see I must be spoony on Miss 
Craddock. 

Tredivell. Just so. 

Jermyn. What does a fellow do under such 
circumstances? It's awkward for me so far 
away from home, you know. 

Tredivell. I don't know what your English 
customs are when a fellow gets in such a 
scrape, but in America we generally ask the 
girl to marry us. 

Jermyn. To be sure, now, you Americans 
always have an ingenious way of getting out 
of a mess. I would have thought twice before 
that would have occurred to me, you know. I 
am obliged to you, I assure you, for the sug- 
gestion. 

Tredivell. Don't you think you had better 
act on it ? 

Jermyn. It's very singular, you know, what 
a queer feeling the idea gives me. 

Tredivell. A feeling of happiness, I sup- 
pose. 

Jermyn. Not at all, I assure you. It's a 
beastly funky feeling, you know, 

Tredivell. That is some English feeling, I 
suppose. 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 55 

Jermyn. Oh dear, no ! Everybody feels 
funky on occasion ; a kind of timidity, you 
know. 

Tredwell. I think there is no occasion for 
that feeling on your part in this instance. I 
have watched Miss Craddock, and you need 
not 

Jermyn. Thanks ; I was not at all appre- 
hensive of the result. 

Tredzvell (aside). Confound his impudence ! 
{Aloud). I am at a loss to understand what 
you mean by timidity, then. 

Jermyn. It's a feeling as if I were going to 
make an ass of myself, you know. You see 
what I mean, I fancy. 

Tredwell. Oh, yes ! I see. Very natural 
that you should feel so. Might I make a sug- 
gestion ? 

Jermyn. Most happy. 

Tredwell. Don't say anything to the old 
gentleman about it. 

Jermyn. Why not, pray ? 

Tredzvell. He might refuse his consent. 

Jermyn. That's odd, now. How about the 
old lady? 

Tredzvell. I have no doubt that she favors 
you. 

Jermyn. Don't surprise me in the least; 
I generally succeed with the ladies. 



56 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

TredwelL Yet, Sir James, the situation is 
not without its complications; you may have 
to make a runaway match of it. 

Jermyn. Quite romantic, my dear fellow, 
but rather a bore, you know. 

TredwelL Still, if you are to be married. 

Jermyn. As you say, if I am to be married, 
and I suppose I must; it's the sort of thing- 
one's expected to do once in one's lifetime at 
least. 

TredwelL I can smooth the way for you if 
you will let me speak to the old lady. 

Jermyn. Thanks ! thanks ! it will save me 
making all the beastly speeches expected from 
one on such occasions, you know. 

TredwelL Then it is understood that I am 
to mention this matter to Mrs. Craddock ? 

Jermyn. Thanks ! only too happy to have 
you do so. {Looks at his watch.) I see I am 
late. Good morning. {Goes toivard the door y 
stops, turns round, says:) While you are at it, 
my dear fellow, couldn't you mention it to the 
young lady as well ? 

TredwelL Oh, Sir James, that would never 
do. 

Jermyn. Ah ! just so. I suppose it can't 
be helped. Good morning. {Goes out.) 

Tredivell. There he goes, about as enthusi- 
astic as an oyster on the half shell ready to be 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 57 

swallowed. Still, notwithstanding his apathy, 
he is good-natured enough to make a very 
desirable husband. But I must see aunt and 
delight her with my news. {Goes out.) 

{Enter Mr. Craddock, Kate, and Henrietta^) 

Mr. Craddock {in rage). I won't retract; I 
say damn that Englishman ; damn him ! {defi- 
antly). 

Kate. For shame, father ! See how shocked 
Henrietta is. 

Craddock. I should think she would be 
shocked at her treachery. 

Henrietta. My treachery ! 

Craddock. Don't pretend ignorance, miss. 
You know very well what I mean. 

Kate. Father, you are possessed ; whom has 
she betrayed ? 

Craddock. Me, of course. 

Kate. You, of course ! 

Craddock. Yes, it's the fashion to betray 
me. And that Bellair fellow, too, damn him. 

Henrietta. Your father will soon be as bad 
as the pope. 

Kate. You think he will be damning the 
whole world before he leaves off. But why 
send poor Mr. Bellair to perdition, pa? 

Craddock. Before the jackanapes came 

Henrietta engaged herself to me to {Stops, 

looks foolish.) It's no matter; I say damn 
him. 



58 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Henrietta. Your father seems to have a 
terrible spite against Mr. Bellair, Kate. 

Kate. And Sir James Jermyn, too, but 

Craddock {interrupting). I wish his red 
head would set him on fire and burn him up 
some day. 

Kate. Pa's a good actor, Henrietta; he only 
pretends to dislike Sir James. 

Henrietta. You don't tell me ! Is that so ? 

Kate. Yes, he likes him ; his anger is all 
make believe. 

Henrietta. Oh, Mr. Craddock ! how can 
you be so sly ? 

Craddock (who has been looking from one to 
the other in mute wonder and rage, exclaims :) 
Damn me if I don't believe you have all con- 
spired to drive me crazy. (Rushes out of the 
room.) 

Henrietta. I'll go after him, Kate, and make 
my peace with him. (Goes out. Enter Mrs. 
Craddock. ) 

Mrs. Craddock. I have an important com- 
munication to make to you, my dear. 

Kate. What is it, mother ? 

Mrs. Craddock. I met Sir James Jermyn 
just now in the hall as he was leaving the 
house. He seemed surprised and somewhat 
embarrassed. I invited him into the parlor; 
he entered with apparent reluctance, and we 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 59 

were hardly seated when Harry came in ; an 
explanation ensued, and the upshot of it is 
that Sir James has asked of me your hand in 
marriage. 

Kate. Is he in the parlor now ? 

Mrs. Craddock. No, he has gone to take a 
turn in the open air, as he says, for the pur- 
pose of bracing his nerves. I promised in the 
meantime to prepare you for his proposal, 
which he will soon return to make in person. 

Kate. What will pa say to it ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Oh, he must not know any- 
thing about it. 

Kate. But are you sure that pa is really 
opposed to my marrying Sir James ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Kate, what do you mean ? 
You know that your father is in a chronic 
state of rage on the subject. 

Kate. Poor pa, he does seem to be in an 
extraordinary state of mind. 

Mrs. Craddock. That is one reason I wish 
your marriage with Sir James to take place as 
soon as possible. When your father finds that 
he can't help himself, he will be resigned. 

Kate. Mother ! mother ! my conscience 
misgives me ; it does not seem right. I don't 
see what Harry can mean by urging me to 
listen to the proposals of Sir James. 

Mrs. Craddock. Harry is young, but he has 



60 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

an old head on his shoulders. He has a talent 
for management quite extraordinary in one of 
his years. 

Kate. I believe you, mother. (Aside.) If 
she only knew. 

Mrs. Craddock. Besides Harry has a proper 
ambition. I have no doubt he is desirous of 
having a baronet for a cousin-in-law. 

Kate. I have none of that ambition, and if 
I say yes to Sir James to-day it will be merely 
because I have been told to do so. Mother, 
that is hardly the right state of mind to be 
married in. 

Mrs. Craddock. For shame, Kate ! I 
thought your mother's daughter was above 
such mawkish sentimentality. 

Kate. Then, mother, I can't persuade you 
to let me put this matter off for awhile ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Put this matter off? Put 
off being Lady Jermyn ! What can be the 
matter with the child ? 

Kate. Well, I'll obey you, but it goes 
against my conscience. 

Mrs. Craddock. It goes against your con- 
science to obey your mother ! 

Kate. You seem to forget that I have a 
father. 

Mrs. Craddock. Forget him ! He's like 
remorse, he's a perpetual torment. But this 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 6 1 

is woman's business in which he has no right 
to interfere. 

Kate. And he says that I am his daughter, 
and that you have no right to give me away 
against his wishes. 

Mrs. Craddock. I tell you it's none of his 
business. 

Kate. Then you counsel me to disobey 
him ? 

Mrs. Craddock. I do. 

Kate. Mother, you may have occasion to 
regret this. 

Mrs. Craddock. If you become Lady Jer- 
myn by so doing, I will always remember it 
with satisfaction. 

{Enter Mr. Craddock^ 

Craddock. Oh, you are at your Lady Jer- 
myns again ! Can't you let the girl have a 
moment's peace ? 

Kate. What do you think ma has been tell- 
ing me, pa ? 

Craddock. I am sure, my dear, I can't 
guess ; your mother has got entirely beyond 
me. 

Kate. She says I must not obey you if you 
forbid me to marry Sir James Jermyn. 

Craddock. And I tell you, Kate, you must 
not obey her if she commands you to marry 
him. 



62 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Kate. So then I am compelled to disobey 
one of you, for it will have to be yes or no to 
Sir James should he ask me. 

Mrs. Craddock. If he asks you to marry 
him say yes. 

Craddock. And I forbid you to marry him 
whether you say yes or no. 

Mrs. Craddock. You were glad enough to 
have me say yes to you, Mr. Craddock. 

Craddock. I am sure I wish you had said 
no. 

Kate. If you had what would have become 
of me ? The very idea frightens me. 

Craddock. You would not have married 
this confounded Englishman at all events. 
But I won't hear any more on the subject. So 
I'll leave you. [Goes out.) 

Mrs. Craddock. We'll take him at his word, 
Kate, and not let him hear any more on the 
subject. We will arrange your marriage with 
Sir James without his knowledge. But it is 
time for Sir James to be back. I will leave 
you to receive him alone. {Goes out.) 

Kate {alone). I'm in as great a dilemma as 
Hamlet. Let me see: 

Pa or ma to obey? That is the question: 
Whether it is better in the end to suffer 
Loud and angry words of contentious parents, 
Or to make up my mind against their squabbles, 
And not obeying, end them ? To fly, to stay — 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 63 

No more— and by a flight to say I end 
The racket and the thousand marital shocks 
This house is vexed by: 'Tis a consummation 
Sincerely I have wished. To fly— to run — 
To run ! perchance elope; ay, there's a go; 
For in that flight of mine what qualms may come 
When I have shuffled off this Craddock name 
Must give me pause. 

Oh, what is a poor little girl to do ? I grow 
tired of this suspense, and, a la Wellington, 
would that Jermyn or night were come ; and 
here he is. {Enter Jermyn?) 

Jermyn. Ah ! my fair friend, I find you 
alone. 

Kate. Yes, Sir James, and I was just wish- 
ing that someone would come in. 

Jermyn. Odd, now, I was hoping that I 
would find you alone. 

Kate. How ungallant, Sir James, to wish 
me to be alone when I desire company. 

Jermyn. Your accusation is hardly fair, 
you know, for my presence here contradicts it. 

Kate. You mean you give me the company 
I was wishing for ? 

Jermyn. I hope so, I assure you. It would 
be annoying, you know, if my company were 
not agreeable under the circumstances, you 
know. 

Kate. To what circumstances do you refer, 
Sir James ? 



64 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Jermyn. Dear me, now ; I — I mean, you 
know, the — the — but really now, this is some- 
what of a bore, you know. 

Kate (smiling). Is it ? 

Jermyn (becoming more embarrassed). There 
now — don't laugh at me, I beg — but — I never 
was spoony in my life before, you know. 

Kate {with mock wonder). Indeed ! What 
is spoony ? Are you spoony now, Sir James ? 

Jermyn. Awfully ! 

Kate. Does it hurt ? 

Jermyn. Come, now, don't make game of a 
fellow. My feelings are sufficiently painful 
already, I assure you. 

Kate. Don't people take anything when 
they have these attacks, Sir James ? Is there 
nothing I can do for you ? 

Jermyn. Really, I think you might help a 
fellow to get it out, you know. I — I assure you 
I never felt so funky in my life. 

Kate. When people are spoony are they 
also funky? I am at a loss, Sir James. You 
puzzle me. 

Jermyn (in great distress). Oh dear ! Oh 
dear ! Do you think it exactly the thing, you 
know, to make fun of a fellow's sufferings ? 

Kate. Your attack seems to be chiefly nerv- 
ous ; perhaps a little chloroform 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 65 

Jermyn. Thanks ! thanks ! I should not 
mind if I had a little, you know. 

Kate. I'll run and get you some. {Goes out.) 

Jermyn {alone). Most astonishing, I declare ! 
I never thought I would make such a beastly 
mess of it; must be the nerves. Capital idea, 
that chloroform. Here she comes with it. 

{Enter Kate with chloroform ; hands it to 
Jermyn, who uses it.) 

Jermyn. Thanks ! thanks ! I'll be all right 
in a moment. 

Kate. I am glad you are better, Sir James. 

Jermyn. I would never have believed it of 
myself. 

Kate. Nor I, Sir James ; but then I have 
never seen you when you were funky. Is it a 
very painful feeling ? 

Jermyn. It is not the body, you know, that 
hurts when one is funky; it is the mind. One's 
heart fails him, as it were. 

Kate. You don't mean to tell me, Sir James, 
that it was fear that troubled you a moment 
ago. 

Jermyn. Very extraordinary, I confess, but 
nevertheless true, I assure you. 

Kate. What could have made you afraid, 
Sir James ? 

Jermyn. I am so spooney, you know. O 
Lord ! I feel faint again. I must take another 
5 



66 , L0VE MADE TO ORDER. 

sniff. {Puts the viol to his nose.) How very- 
refreshing! 

Kate. Shall I send for a physician, Sir 
James ? 

Jermyn. Oh dear ! no. A doctor would be 
no use in my case, I assure you. 

Kate. Then your malady is incurable ? 

Jermyn. I hope that you may wish so; for 
I assure you I have no desire to be cured of 
it. 

Kate. You are determined to bewilder me. 
What is this malady, Sir James ? 

Jermyn {getting down on one knee suddenly 
and taking her hand, which startles her, and 
causes her to exclaim, Lord!). Love for you, 
adorable creature. {He looks tip at Iter with- 
out saying another word.) 

Kate. Rise, Sir James ! Rise ! this will 
never do. 

Jermyn. Never, I assure you, till I have 
learned my fate. 

Kate. How unreasonable in you, Sir James ! 
I am not a fortune teller. 

Jermyn. When I lay my title and myself 
at your feet, surely you can tell my fortune. 

Kate. I really cannot tell how much you 
have a year, Sir James. In fact, I never gave 
the matter a thought. 

Jermyn. Odd, now, that I cannot make 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 6/ 

myself understood. I mean will you be Lady 
Jermyn ? 

Kate. That depends. 

Jermyn. The settlements shall be entirely 
satisfactory, I assure you. 

Kate. You mistake, Sir James. I have 
never been asked to be Lady Jermyn. 

Jermyn. Is that all, my charmer ? Then I 
ask you to be Lady Jermyn ; my wife, you 
know. Now, what do you say ? 

Kate. Yes. 

Jermyn. Thanks. {Attempts to get up, but 
stops with an exclamation of pain.) Oh ! ah I 
what a beastly chapter of accidents ! I can't 
get up, you know. 

Kate. Funky again, Sir James ? 

Jermyn. Oh dear ! no. I have such a 
cramp, oh ! ah ! in my knee, you know. 

Kate. Let me assist you. {Tries to pull hint 
up.) Oh dear ! you are too heavy. I must 
ring for assistance. 

Jermyn {in alarm). Don't! don't! I beg of 
you. The servants, you know. Too ridicu- 
lous ! 

{Enter Henrietta^) 

Kate. Come, Henrietta, help me to raise 
Sir James. 

Henrietta. Certainly, certainly. What's the 
matter with him ? 



68 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Kate. Oh, he's been spoony and funky, 
and the dear knows all what, and now he has 
a cramp in the knee. 

Jermyn. True, I assure you. 

Henrietta. Well, Kate, you take one arm 
and I will take the other. {They assist him to 
rise. He gets up on one leg and hops to a seat 
and sits dozvn.) 

Jermyn. Oh ! ah ! {feeling his leg). It's 
lucky for a fellow that this sort of thing does 
not happen often in a lifetime, you know. 

Kate. Oh, Sir James ! 

Jermyn. Don't misconstrue me, I beg of 
you. A fellow, you know, may like the pearl, 
you know, although he may find it a bore to 
dive for it, you know. 

Henrietta. Well done, Sir James. I think 
that remark suggests the propriety of my 
leaving you and Kate alone. 

Kate. Stop, Henrietta, we may need you 
again. 

Jermyn. That beastly cramp has gone 
now, and for fear of further accident I will 
leave you for the present. Au revoir bientot. 

Kate. Don't disappoint me now. 

Jermyn. What do you take me for ? 

Kate. After our conversation you ought to 
know. 

Jermyn. Ha ! ha-a-a-a! I see, your hus- 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 69 

band. Not bad that, now. Ha! ha-a-a-a! I 
leave you to return soon. {Goes out.) 

Henrietta. Then, Kate, he has proposed, 
and you ? 

Kate. Have said yes to his proposal. 



Henrietta. Shall I congratulate you 



Kate. As you please. Let us go and tell 
my mother. But mind! not a word to father 
about this. 

Henrietta. Certainly, not a word. {Aside}) 
I deserted his camp long ago. {They go out.) 

END OF ACT III. 



ACT IV. 

{Room in Mr. Craddock's house. Kate in a 

wedding dress before a glass, putting aflozver 

in her hair. Tredwell putting on gloves. 

Kate turns round}) 

Kate. There, Harry, will I do ? 

Tredzvell. You are like the spirit of a beau- 
tiful dream, a vision of loveliness. 

Kate. Oh, you speak with the exaggera- 
tion of a lover. I mean is my dress comme il 
fautf Are there any finishing touches which 
would aid the tout ensemble? 

Tredwell. Now that you mention it, this 
flower droops rather much. Let me arrange 



70 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

it. {Approaches, touches the flower and kisses 
Jier.) There, it is as it should be now. 

Kate. Do you call that a finishing touch ? 

Tredwell. Oh, dear, no, that's only a begin- 
ning. 

Kate. What would Sir James say if he were 
to see us ? 

Tredzvell. What will he say when he does 
not see us ? 

Kate. Sure enough, what will he say? 
And ma ? By the way, Harry, she says you 
have a talent for management quite extraor- 
dinary for one of your years. 

Tredzvell. Well, if I do say it, I think I 
have managed this matter rather nicely. I 
have got your father out of the way by per- 
suading him to escort Henrietta home. 

Kate. Suppose he were to come back sud- 
denly. 

Tredwell. Pshaw, Kate, don't interrupt me 
with such improbable suggestions. Then I 
persuaded your mother that the only sure way 
of bringing about your marriage with Sir 
James was by an elopement. He is to be 
here in half an hour. 

Kate. It was a bright idea on your part, 
Harry, that you should take me to church and 
leave ma to accompany Sir James. 

Tredwell. And then, you know, I have made 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 7 1 

all the arrangements with the parson. In fact 
I am master of the situation, and we are only 
waiting your mother's blessing before we take 
our flight. 

Kate. Oh ! Harry, to think we are running 
away right before her eyes, without her know- 
ing it ! It almost frightens me. 

Tredwell. Oh, pshaw ! don't alarm your- 
self unnecessarily. We need not run very 
far. 

Kate. To be sure, and when we get tired 
we can run back again. I know that pa will 
be so glad that I have escaped the English- 
man that he will welcome me home with open 
arms. But here comes ma. [Enter Mrs Crad- 
dock, zvho advances and kisses Kate, then re- 
tires and surveys Iter deliberately and says :) 

Mrs. Craddock. Well, Kate, I think the 
baronet may congratulate himself on getting 
such a wife. 

Tredwell {aside). If he gets her he may 
congratulate himself. 

Kate. I declare, ma, you and Harry will 
turn my head with flattery. 

Mrs. Craddock. Are you sure, Harry, that 
you made Mr. Smith understand the necessity 
of perfect secrecy in this matter, and above 
all, did you impress upon him that the bride 
and groom are to kneel when receiving the 
blessing ? 



J2 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Tredwell. Everything is arranged ; he is 
dark as midnight, deaf, dumb, and blind. You 
understand {laughing). But we must start, 
Kate will want to have time to take off her 
wraps. 

Mrs. Craddock. You are right ; come, Kate, 
let me help you. {Arranges for going out ; 
kisses her.) Bless you, my child ! 

Tredwell. Hurry, Kate ! Hurry! {They go 
out.) 

Mrs. Craddock {sitting down). As the con- 
summation of my dearest wish approaches, 
my heart rather fails me. I begin to feel 
keenly that if I am gaining a baronet for a 
son-in-law, I am losing a daughter, for lost 
she will be when three thousand miles of salt 
water roll between her and me. She must 
live with her husband, and I cannot desert 
mine, no matter what I may say in my pro- 
voked moments. Poor, dear man ! It will 
about break his heart. ( Wipes her eyes.) What's 
this ? Tears ! That is hardly the libation to 
pour at a happy wedding. I must not receive 
my future son-in-law in this mood. I wonder 
what keeps him. I feel restless. {Rises and 
walks about the room.) I hear a carriage ; he's 
come. Oh, dear, I'll feel better when it is all 
over. {Enter Jerviyn.) 

Jermyn. I am here at last, you see. I am 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 73 

sorry to have kept you waiting, We had a 
beastly break-down on the way here, you 
know. 

Mrs. Craddock. An accident, Sir James ? 

Jermyn. Yes, I was spilt. 

Mrs. Craddock. Thrown out of your car- 
riage ? I hope you are not hurt. 

Jermyn. Thanks ! a mere scratch. I had 
to return, however, and change my dress. I 
was thrown into a beastly mud puddle, you 
know. I had the satisfaction of polishing off 
the driver, however. 

Mrs. Craddock. How very annoying, Sir 
James ! 

Jermyn. Not in the least, I assure you. 
Quite a jolly lark. 

Mrs. Craddock. Sir James, Kate and Harry 
have been gone some time. Had we not bet- 
ter start ? 

Jermyn. At your service at any moment, 
my dear madame. Shall we go ? {Offers her 
his arm, which she takes}) I wonder what the 
old boy, Mr. Craddock, you know, will say 
when he finds out that we have eloped. {Enter 
Mr. Craddock^ 

Mr. Craddock. Villain ! Scoundrel ! The 
old boy has answered quicker than you ex- 
pected. {Mrs. Craddock and Jermyn start 
back in surprise, Mrs. C. dropping his arm.) 



74 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Mrs. Craddock. Mr. Craddock ! 

Jermyn. It is not necessary for you to 
speak so loud, my good sir. I am not deaf. 

Mr. Craddock {looking at him in amazement). 
Damn me if you are not the coolest specimen ! 
I catch you in the very act of your villainy, 
and when I upbraid you, you object to the 
tones of my voice. Is your ear as delicate, 
madame ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Oh, Jasper ! Jasper ! Do 
keep quiet. There is nothing so much out of 
the way in what we are doing. 

Craddock {sarcastically). Isn't there, now ? 
That's satisfactory. It meets your views 
exactly, eh ! 

Jermyn. I assure you, my dear sir, Mrs. 
Craddock entirely approves of this elopement. 

Craddock {bitterly). Oh! does she ? When 
did you and this old turtle dove conclude to 
spread your wings for flight ? 

Jermyn. Ha ! ha-a-a-a ! Not bad, that, 
now ! Old turtle dove ! Ha ! ha-a-a-a ! 
Thinks I'm running away with his wife ! Ha ! 
ha-a-a-a! 

Craddock {beside Jiimself zvitli rage). Police ! 
police ! Where's the police ? 

{Enter Kate and Harry?) 

Tredwell. Uncle, won't we do as well ? 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 75 

Kate. Father, calm yourself, calm yourself. 
Mother, what have you done to excite him so ? 

Mrs. Craddock. He found Sir James and 
me going out of the room on our way to meet 
you. 

Jermyn. Ha ! ha-a-a-a ! And, my fair 
bride, would you believe it ? he actually 
thought I was eloping with your mother. 

Craddock. Your fair bride ! Am I losing 
my senses ? Will nobody explain ? 

Mrs. Craddock. When you came in we were 
on our way to church. Sir James expected ere 
this to have been Kate's husband, but he met 
with an accident which detained him. 

Tredzuell. Well, he need not trouble him- 
self to go now; he is too late. 

Mrs. Craddock. I hope not. I hope Mr. 
Craddock will now give his consent. 

Craddock. Never, never shall she marry 
that man. 

Kate. You never spoke a truer word, pa. 

Craddock. Bless you, my darling {folding 
her in his arms). 

Mrs. Craddock. How now, miss, do you 
retract at the last moment ? I thought you 
went to church to get married. 

Jermyn. That was my impression too, I 
assure you. It is hardly the thing to leave a 
fellow in the lurch in this way, you know. 



y6 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Tredwell. The trouble with her now, Sir 
James, is that she could not marry you if she 
would. 

Jermyn. I beg pardon ! Did I hear you 
aright ? Why not, pray ? 

Tredzvell. Because if she did, she would 
commit bigamy. 

Jermyn. Bigamy, my dear fellow ! In En- 
gland it is only married people who can com- 
mit bigamy; but I forget, you Americans are 
so deucedly clever that perhaps you can com- 
mit bigamy without being married. 

Tredzvell {laughing). Our abilities are not 
quite equal to that, Sir James. Kate cannot 
marry you because she is already married. 

Mr. Craddock, his wife, and Sir James ex- 
claim together : Married ! 

Kate. Yes, dear pa, Harry and I are mar- 
ried. Will you forgive me ? {Puts her arms 
round J lis neck.) 

Mr. Craddock. I am rejoiced. What a 
narrow escape you have made, my dear, from 
your mother and her friend ! 

Mrs. Craddock. I hope, Sir James, you are 
satisfied of my good faith. I have been duped, 
as well as you. 

Jermyn. I hardly think that it is exactly 
the thing for me to complain. I tried to get 
her on the sly myself, you know. But how 



LOVE MADE TO ORDER. JJ 

the devil, my dear fellow, did you manage so 
cleverly, and what was your motive ? 

Mrs. Craddock. Yes, how and why did you 
persuade my daughter to betray her mother 
in this manner ? 

Tredwell. 

Then know, 

Most puzzled, grave, and astonished Briton, 

My very dear and respected good aunt, 

That I have ta'en away this old man's daughter. 

It is a fact; fact I have married her. 

The very sum and substance of my offense 

Amounts to this, no more. Excuse I do not make, 

And so I'll not try to help the matter 

By speaking for myself. Yet if you choose to listen, 

I will a true and honest story tell 

Of how it came about. 

Her father told me, oft recited me 

The painful story of the endless strife 

From day to day; the quarrels, pets, tantrums 

That he endured. 

He ran it through even from the luckless time 

Sir James arrived till the day he me did tell it, 

Wherein he spoke of his wife's designs, 

Of her contrivances, by hook and crook; 

Of his concern about the imminent hourly chance 

Of his daughter Kate yielding to her mother, 

And marrying Sir James; 

And bade me, if I was his friend, to court her 

But a little mite, he said, to try and 

Draw her from Sir James. Upon this hint I spake. 

She loved me for the school days of the past, 

And I loved her that she did think of them. 

This is the only way it came about. 

Here stands your daughter, let her answer you. 



78 LOVE MADE TO ORDER. 

Mr. Craddock (laughing). We have heard 
Othello, Kate; what has Desdemona to say? 

Kate. Oh ! I was in the same fix as Desde- 
mona; I had a divided duty. Ma commanded 
me to marry Sir James, you forbade me. What 
was I to do? Harry loved me, and I loved 
him ; so to remove the bone of contention and 
restore peace to the family, we got married 
without letting either of you know it. 

Jermyn. Very cleverly imagined, my fair 
deceiver, and kindly meant, I am sure. 
Deucedly clever! Ha! ha-a-a-a! I have to 
laugh when I think how neatly I have been 
done. I think I will return to my country by 
the next steamer and hide my diminished 
head. 

Mr. Craddock {shaking J Us hand). You are 
a manly fellow, and I wish you a pleasant 
journey. 

Kate. And when you get home, Sir James, 
you can amuse your friends by telling them 
how Kate Craddock came to get married. 



TEMPER TEMPEST, 



A COMEDY. 



By FRANCIS GELLATLY. 




Copyright, 1875, 
By FRANXIS GELLATLY. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 



ACT I. 

{House at back, steps leading to grounds in 
front ; sliade trees ; bench betiveen two large 

trees, Mr. Talbot and Ellen seated on bench.) 

Talbot {looking at his watch). Ten o'clock, 
and that precious brother of yours has not 
made his appearance yet. 

Ellen. You know, father, he was up very 
late last night. 

Talbot. And why was he up late when he 
knew that I wanted to see him early this 
morning on business ; but it is a farce to men- 
tion business and him in the same breath ; 
he has not the faintest conception of the mean- 
ing of the word. 

Ellen. You don't make sufficient allowance 
for him ; remember, he is very young. 

Talbot. Young! At his time of life I was 
the confidential clerk of one of the oldest firms 
in the city. 

Ellen. Well, well, pa, we are not all born- 
alike. Edward's tastes are not yours. 

Talbot. He may bless his stars for that. 



4 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Ellen. Perhaps that was what he was doing 
last night, when I saw him looking at the sky 
so intently. 

Talbot. Nothing so sensible, I'll be bound; 
it was the poetry of heaven or some such 
infernal tomfoolery he was thinking about. 

Ellen. Why, pa, I did not know that you 
read Byron. 

Talbot. Byron be d Pshaw ! 

Ellen. Quoted, you mean, pa. 

Talbot. I never quote anything but stocks, 
and that puts me in mind ; I will go and see 
if Henshaw has come; I telegraphed for him 
to be up by this train. (Goes out.) 

Ellen (alone). It is a pity Edward is so 
different from his father ; I can well under- 
stand pa's disappointment. His beau ideal is 
a clever business man ; but with Edward it is 
nothing but books and art ; and lately some- 
thing else which seems to distract and distress 
him. He has been very glum for a while 
back; and here comes a person {looking off) 
who could tell me the cause if I am not much 
mistaken. {Enter Charlotte, who salutes Ellen.) 

Charlotte. How are you, my dear? Isn't 
this a glorious morning? 

Ellen. Charming! How is your mother? 

Charlotte. Oh, she is in a high state of de- 
light ; our copy of the Nydia has arrived, and 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 5 

she can't rest till she has had your brother's 
opinion upon it ; besides, she wants to consult 
him about the place to put it. Where is he ? 

Ellen. Not up yet. By the way, Lotty, I 
am quite concerned about him. 

Charlotte. I don't wonder, if he lies abed 
till this time of day. 

Ellen. That is not it. 

Charlotte. Oh, I remember ; you don't ap- 
prove of early rising. What has he been 
doing? 

Ellen. Nothing wrong. 

Charlotte. Then you may be sure that is 
what ails him. These men are never happy 
unless they are in some mischief. 

Elleii. Perhaps you state the rule correctly, 
but all rules have exceptions. 

Charlotte. And like a good, unsuspecting 
sister, you think your brother is an excep- 
tion. 

Ellen. What do you think ? 

Charlotte. I think we must wake him if we 
have to bring the house about his ears. Let 
us go in and give him a few operatic touches. 
{They enter the house and immediately loud 
squalling burlesque singing, with a thundering 
piano accompaniment is heard within. A win- 
dow in upper story is opened, Edward looks out ; 
noise stops.) 



6 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Edward. I wonder who was making that 
fearful racket down stairs ! {Ellen and Char- 
lotte come out of house.) 

Charlotte. If he is not dead that woke him. 

Edward {from window). Good morning, 
spirits of discord ! 

Ellen {looking up). There he is, Lotty ; 
come down, you lazy fellow. 

Charlotte {looking up). Good morning, Rip 
Van Winkle ! We thought you had started 
on your twenty years' nap. 

Edward. There is no danger of that while 
you are in the neighborhood. {Leaves window?) 

Ellen. Isn't he a good-natured fellow, 
Lotty? 

Charlotte. You ought to know ; you live 
with him. 

Edward {coming out of house). Good morn- 
ing, Miss Ramsey. Allow me to compliment 
you on the power of your lungs. 

Charlotte. And permit me, Mr. Talbot, to 
congratulate you on the tranquillity of your 
nerves, which enables you to sleep so pro- 
foundly. 

Ellen. Edward is not so lazy as he seems. 

Edward. That is true; my sleep is only 
long at one end. 

Charlotte. A while ago I thought it had no 
end. Do you think you are sufficiently wide 
awake to find your way over to our house ? 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 7 

Edivard. I could go there with my eyes 
shut. 

Charlotte. There is no occasion for that; 
ma wants to see you with your eyes open. 
The Nydia has arrived. 

Edzvard. I will not delay a moment. I 
will run in and get a cup of coffee, and go over 
immediately. {Goes into house?) 

Ellen. You see Edward is energetic enough 
whenever he has anything to interest him. 

Charlotte. I have no doubt he is perfection 
in your eyes, but I am tired talking about him. 
Let us go and see your new flower bed. 

( They go off. Enter Talbot and Hens haw.) 

Talbot. And so you received no message 
from me the day before yesterday? 

Henshaw. None whatever, and I did not 
like to take the responsibility. It is a pity, 
too, for the stock went up ten per cent the 
next day. 

Talbot. And I have missed making a clean 
five thousand, all through the carelessness of 
that boy of mine ! I am afraid I will never be 
able to make anything of him. 

Henshaw. Don't say that, sir; he has fine 
talents — genius, in fact. 

Talbot. Oh! yes, he is a genius; he's an 
idiot. To think of my losing five thousand in 
one day through his stupidity! 



8 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Henshaw. Are you not too severe, sir ? He 
probably was not aware of the importance of 
your communication. 

Talbot. Do you not see that you are prov- 
ing him to be a blockhead ? 

Henshaw, Maybe he forgot it, sir. 

Talbot. And am I to lose money by the 
thousands because his thoughts choose to go 
a-wool gathering ? 

Henshaw. Here he comes, sir. 

(Edward conies down steps of house.) 

Talbot. Well, Henshaw, you go in and 
write the letters I told you of, and leave me 
to settle this matter with him alone. I will 
bring him to his senses once for all. 

{Henshaw goes into house, shaking hands 
with Edward wJicji they meet. Edzvard ad- 
vances to his father, who seats himself on the 
bench.) 

Edward. Good morning, sir. 

Talbot. This is not morning ; this is the 
middle of the day. 

Edward. Then I will say good day, sir, 
and leave you, as I have an engagement. 

Talbot. Don't be in such a hurry, young 
man. Sit down ; I have a word to say to you, 

Edward. Please sir, excuse me just now; I 
am anxious to get over to Mrs. Ramsey's ; she 
has sent for me. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 9 

Talbot. You seem to pay more attention 
to her messages than you do to mine. What 
did you do with the telegram I gave you the 
other day ? 

Edward. I hope it was not important, sir. 

Talbot. But it was important. What did 
you do with it, I say ? 

Edward {taking paper from his pocket). 
Here it is. 

Talbot. And that's the way you attend to 
business ! Do you know that by keeping 
that paper in your pocket you have taken five 
thousand dollars out of mine ? 

Edward. Indeed, sir ! I am sorry. I did 
not dream it was of so much consequence. 

Talbot. That's queer, for you seem to be 
in a dream all the time; but I have deter- 
mined that you shall wake up. 

Ediuard. You are very bitter. 

Talbot. It is a good tonic for a sweet youth 
like you, as your friend, Mrs. Ramsey, calls 
you. Are you not ashamed to pass your time 
the way you do, with women, and poetry, and 
pictures, and other trash of that sort? 

Edward. Why discuss this subject, sir? 
You know we can never agree. 

Talbot. You are right; you are not amena- 
ble to reason, so I have determined to aban- 
don that, and resort to my paternal author- 



10 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

ity. I will try force, since I cannot persuade 
you. 

Edward. I trust, sir, you meditate no 
tyrannical constraint of my wishes. 

Talbot. No; I merely intend that you shall 
no longer run counter to mine. 

Edzvard. I have no such desire, I assure 
you. 

Talbot. I am glad to hear it; for if that is 
the case, you will not object to a plan I have 
arranged for your future conduct. 

Edward. What is it, sir ? 

Talbot. It is my wish that you leave for 
the city this evening with Henshaw. I want 
you to commence to-morrow the life of a 
business man under his direction. It is high 
time you were doing something in the world. 

Edward. I agree with you that I ought to 
have an occupation ; but I think that I should 
have a voice in the selection of it. 

Talbot. Well, what would you say about 
it? 

Edward. In the first place, I will never be 
a merchant. 

Talbot. Oh ! I see. You have no desire to 
run counter to my wishes. 

Edward. Why sneer at me, sir ? I really 
have no wish to oppose you. It pains me to 
disobey you. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. II 

Talbot. Don't, I beg of you, do such vio- 
lence to your feelings on my account. 

Edward. You speak unkindly, sir. Why 
not give me credit for sincerity ? Nothing 
could give me more pleasure than to comply 
with your wishes if 

Talbot. If you did not wish to comply with 
your own. Pray, what may be the occupation 
that you would like to engage in ? 

Edward. I would like to go to Italy 
and 



Talbot. Yes, the sea voyage would be 
pleasant. 

Edward. Hear me out, sir. I would like 
to go to Italy and study art. I think I have 
talents which would enable me to be a sculp- 
tor, and after my studies were completed 

Talbot. You would present yourself at my 
door some day, with a tray on your head cov- 
ered with plaster images. But let me ask, 
while preparing for this grand result, how 
would you support yourself? 

Edward. Of course you are aware, sir, that 
I have no money. 

Talbot. And I am also aware that you will 
get none of mine for any such purpose. 

Edward. But, sir, you are rich. 

Talbot. And as I mean to be richer before 
I die, I do not propose that you shall squan- 
der my means. 



12 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Edzvard. Why not give me before you die 
a little of the money I will be entitled to 
afterward ? 

Talbot. I see my death is a blessing you 
wish to enjoy before it arrives ; but you must 
pardon me if I take pains to deprive you of it 
as long as possible, and 

Edzvard. You shock me, sir. 

Talbot. Don't interrupt me; and your title 
to any of the money I may leave will depend 
on something very different from unfilial anti- 
cipations of my death. 

Edzvard. But, father, do not so cruelly 
misunderstand me. 

Talbot. Not another word ; you leave for 
the city this afternoon, to enter upon your 
duties as clerk in my office. 

Edzvard. In this I cannot obey you. 

Talbot. Then you can no longer be my 
son. {Rising.) I leave you to consider the 
meaning of these words. Pause, young man ; 
you are on the brink of a precipice; one step 
forward and you are destroyed. {Goes into 
the house.) 

Edzvard {alone). He is in dead earnest, and 
I must choose between money and merchan- 
dise on one side, and poverty and art on the 
other. Under happier circumstances the 
choice would be more difficult to make; but 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 13 

there is another person quite as unkind in her 
way as father. Why should I linger here ? 
Then away with regret, and let hope beckon 
me on to fame. (Sits down lost in thought.) 
[Enter CJiarlotte and Ellen.) 

CJiarlotte. Asleep again ! I declare, he is 
as bad as the fat boy in Pickwick. 

Ellen. I will leave you here to rouse him, 
while I go in and get the book your mother 
wants. (Goes into house; Charlotte sits doivu.) 

Edward. Your mother ! I declare, I forgot 
her. 

Charlotte. Ungallant, to be sure; but as 
you are not often guilty, I will forgive you 
this time. 

Edward. Since you are in a merciful 
humor, I will ask you to forgive all other 
offenses I may have committed against you. 

Charlotte. That is a modest request, I must 
say. But, good gracious ! how dismal you 
look ! (Peers in his face.) 

Edward. My looks are like my feelings. 

CJiarlotte. Then I am sorry for your feel- 
ings. 

Edzvard. I didn't know that you cared for 
either me or my feelings. 

Charlotte. Didn't you ? 

Edzvard. Do you really care for my feel- 
ings ? 



14 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Charlotte. I have some regard for their 
personal appearance. 

Edward. What do you mean ? 

Charlotte. A moment ago you said that 
you looked like them, and I thought if that 
was the case, they lacked beauty. 

Edward. Trifling with me, as usual. I am 
in no humor for jesting. 

Charlotte. And I always like a joke. 

Edivard. And you could not resist making 
one on your favorite subject, my feelings. 

Cliarlotte. Dear me, what awkward things 
they are ! They are always in one's way. 

Edward. Well, then, you will be glad to 
know that I am going away, and, alas ! I must 
take my feelings with me. 

Charlotte. Poor things ! How lonesome 
they will be with such a companion ! 

Edivard. Ah, Charlotte ! How lonesome 
he will be with them ! I meant to say some- 
thing else, but I cannot {rising to go). Fare- 
well ! {Holds out his hand.) 

Charlotte {putting one hand over her eyes 
and pretending to weep, and holding out the 
other). Boo ! hoo ! Good bye-i-i ! 

Edivard. Heartless girl ! {Goes off.) 

Charlotte {looking after him in astonish- 
ment). What can be the matter with him ? 
{Enter Ellen, with book.) 



TEMPER TEMPEST. I 5 

Ellen. Here, Lotty, is your "Sorrows of 
Werther." 

Charlotte {pointing to where Edward went 
off). And if I am not much mistaken, there 
goes Werther himself. 

Ellen. Who ? Edward, do you mean ? 
What makes you say that ? 

Charlotte. He has just bid me good bye in 
the most doleful manner. 

Ellen. That is very extraordinary. 
(E?ite r Talbot.) 

Talbot. Ah, Lotty, you here ! 

Charlotte. Yes ; ma sent me over for 
Edward ; but instead of coming with me, he 
has bid me good bye. 

Talbot. He has bid good bye to more than 
you ; he has taken leave of his senses. 

Ellen. What do do mean, pa ? 

Talbot. Henshaw will explain. Come with 
me, Lotty; I have a bone to pick with your 
mother. 

Charlotte. All right; it is near lunch time. 
Good day, Ellen. [They go off.) 

Ellen. Henshaw will explain ! Then he is 
arrived. How provoking! Why did he not 
tell me sooner? I must find him. {Turns to 
go. Enter Henshazv.) 

Henshaw. Ah, Ellen ! It seems an age 
since I saw you last. 



ID TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Ellen. It is only a week. 

Henshaw. Only a week ! But it seems you 
count the days. 

Ellen. If I didn't how could I know their 
names ? I would not be able to tell Wednes- 
day from Thursday. 

Henshaw. Come now, no prevarication. 
Own up; you do think of me occasionally? 

Ellen. Yes, now and then. 

Henshaw. Now and then ! Just see the 
difference; I think of you every day. 

Ellen. What do you say to every hour ? 

Henshazv. And do you really? {Takes her 
hand.) 

Ellen. You are too inquisitive; that is my 
prerogative, being the woman in the case. 

Henshazv. And this is mine {kisses her), 
being the man. 

Ellen. For shame, you naughty fellow! 
Have you no more modesty ? 

Henshazv. Yes, a few more. {Kisses her 
again.) 

Ellen. If you don't stop, I will call for my 
big brother. 

Henshazv. He is just the man I was think- 
ing about. 

Ellen. Poor Edward ! And I have been 
forgetting him all this time ! Something has 
happened between him and pa, and he re- 
ferred me to you for an explanation. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. I J 

Henshaw. Well, you see, it is the old story: 
unbusiness-like habits, aggravated by a fla- 
grant case of neglect. The other day, your 
father, wishing to buy a certain stock, gave 
him a telegram to send to me, instructing me 
to make the purchase. Edward failed to send 
the telegram ; the stock went up, and your 
father missed the opportunity of making about 
five thousand dollars. Smarting under his 
loss, he upbraided Edward for the neglect. 

Ellen. But, as I understand you, pa did not 
actually lose any money. 

Henshaw. No, but he lost the chance of 
gaining some; and 

The most loved dollars lost by men 
Are those dear ones they fail to gain. 

Ellen. You seem to make light of it, con- 
sidering how much Edward has taken it to 
heart. 

Henshaw. I ought to be ashamed of my- 
self, but the fact is, when I am with you I feel 
so happy that nothing depresses me. 

Ellen. Flatterer ! 

Henshaw. Do not accuse me of impossibil- 
ities. 

Ellen. I will if you do not go on with your 
story. 

Henshaw. It has not a pleasant ending. 



1 8 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Ellen. You begin to alarm me; has anything 
serious happened ? 

Hens haw. Some other time; here comes 
Mrs. Ramsey. I will go and finish some letters 
I have begun. {Goes into house.) 
{Enter Mrs. Ramsey.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. Well, Ellen, my dear, what 
have you done with my daughter. I sent her 
for Edward and have not seen her since, al- 
though she ought to have been back long ago. 

Ellen. That's strange ! She left here with 
pa to go to your house. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I don't see how I could have 
missed them. I suppose Lotty has taken him 
some of her roundabout tramps through the 
woods." 

Ellen. Very likely. 

Mrs. Ramsey. But where is Edward ? Surely 
Lotty did not deliver her message ! 

Ellen. Oh, yes, she did ; I heard her. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Then I wonder why he did 
not come. We have been talking about the 
Nydia for a month. 

Ellen. Something has gone wrong between 
him and pa. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I see, and your father was 
coming over to consult me about it. 

Ellen. Here he comes ; he can speak for 
himself; and now I will run in and try and 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 19 

find Edward for you. {Goes into house. Enter 
Talbot) 

Talbot. Good day, Mrs. Ramsey ! you are 
the very person I want to see ; I have just 
come from your house. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Did you see my Nydia ? 

Talbot. No, madame, I did not ; real flesh- 
and-blood people are the only ones who inter- 
est me. I care nothing for marble representa- 
tions of imaginary ones. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I should have known better 
than to ask you the question. You care noth- 
ing for art. 

Talbot. I hate the very sound of the word. 
It has turned my son's head. 

Mrs. Ramsey. You should rejoice that your 
son has such aesthetic tastes. 

Talbot. I do not rejoice, madame, in any- 
thing that encourages idleness and neglect of 
business, and I wish that you would no longer 
help to fill his head with such stupidities. 

Mrs. Ramsey. My dear sir, your observa- 
tions are more emphatic than polite. 

Talbot. Their truth must make up for their 
other deficiences. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Then, sir, they are indeed de- 
fenseless, for the studies in which your son 
engages are not stupidities, and I am only too 



20 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

happy to think I have it in my power to en- 
courage him. 

Talbot. Is it a friendly part, madame, to 
bring discord between father and son ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. Oh, if you put it on that 
ground, I have nothing further to say. 

Talbot. Well, madame, it has indeed reached 
that point ; for I have this morning com- 
manded my son to abandon art, as you and he 
call it, and devote himself to business like his 
father before him. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Why not make a business of 
art ? 

Talbot. There you go again. I tell you as 
I told him, that if he cannot stop this infernal 
clack about art, he must leave my house. 

Mrs. Ramsey. You will have no occasion to 
tell me that again, sir. {Turns to go off; Tal- 
bot follows her.) 

Talbot. Stay, madame, I beg; you have 
misunderstood me. {S/ie turns round.) What 
I intended to say was that I would communi- 
cate to you a remark I made to him, and not 
that I would apply to you the command I gave 
h i m . 

Mrs. Ramsey. We are old neighbors, Mr. 
Talbot, and I am willing to believe you meant 
no offense. 

{Enter Charlotte.) 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 21 

Charlotte. Mother, I have had a fine chase 
after you. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Well, my dear, you have 
found me in time to walk home with me. 

Talbot. I hope, madame, you take away no 
ill feelings. 

Charlotte. What ! mother, has he been 
quarreling with you ? The male members of 
the house of Talbot seem to be up in arms to- 
day. Edward attacked me not long ago. 

Mrs. Ramsay.. If that is the case I think we 
had better beat a retreat immediately, for it 
was about him Mr. Talbot and I fell out. 

Charlotte. We are too late, hostilities are 
about to begin again. Here comes Edward 
with his baggage wagon. {Edzvard carrying 
a valise is seen advancing toivard them,follozved 
by Ellen .) 

Talbot. It is a new mode of attack to begin 
with the baggage wagons. 

Ellen. What does this mean, pa? 

Talbot. It means that your brother has 
taken a wise resolution. {To Edzvard.) So, 
sir, you have concluded to obey me ? 

Edzvard. One part of your command, sir. 

Talbot. You will not dare ! You cannot 
be so bereft of reason ! 

Edzvard. I must answer yes and no in 
order to meet our different understandings of 
the word. 



22 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Talbot. Don't bandy words with me, sir ; 
speak out. 

Ellen. Pa, dear, don't be so harsh with 
him. 

Mrs. Ramsay. Let me entreat you, sir ! 

Talbot. Will you all be quiet and let him 
answer ? 

Edward. You remember, sir, you gave me 
the choice of renouncing the cherished ambi- 
tion of my life or leaving your house. I have 
chosen the latter alternative, and have come 
to say good bye and ask your blessing before 
I go. 

Talbot. Go to the devil ! (Goes off in a 
rage.) 

Edzvard. Good bye, Ellen. (Goes off quick- 

fy.) 

Ellen. (Running after him.) Edward ! Ed- 
ward ! Don't go ! Don't go ! 

END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 

(Room in Mr. Talbot's house, Ellen at win- 
dow looking out. Comes from it.) 

Ellen. I can see nothing of him. I feel as 
if I wanted to fly out of myself. Oh! why 
don't he hurry ? Poor Edward ! To think 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 23 

that pa could be so cruel ! What can keep 
Gilbert ? 

{Goes to window again. Enter Hensliaiv. 
Ellen turns round and says:) What news? 
Did you overtake him ? 

Henshaw. Yes, but I have accomplished 
very little. 

Ellen. What did he say ? 

Henshaw. Knowing your father's inflexible 
temper, he has no hope that he will ever 
change his mind. 

Ellen. But why does he not yield to pa's 
wishes ? 

Henshaw. He says he would if your father 
really needed his services, but that such is not 
the case, and that he sees no reason why he 
should make himself unhappy merely to gratify 
a tyrannical command. 

Ellen. Does he not see that he is as stub- 
born as pa ? Oh ! if he would only yield, pa 
might come round after awhile. 

Henshaiv. I used that and every other 
argument I could think of, but, to tell the 
truth, I am inclined to believe that there 
would be little hope of such a result. 

Ellen. To be sure, this feeling has been 
growing gradually between them; it is not a 
new disagreement, although I never looked 
for such an overwhelming outburst. Oh, dear! 



24 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Oh, dear! What is to be done! What is to 
be done ! 

Henshaw. It is a very perplexing situation. 
I have, however, gained a little time for plan- 
ning. I have persuaded Edward to remain at 
the station till the last train, in the hope that 
in the meantime we may make some sort of 
an arrangement. 

Ellen. If pa would only relent ! But he is 
so stern, so cruel, when thoroughly aroused by 
opposition. 

Henshaw. And then we must not forget 
that in this case he has just cause for regard- 
ing Edward's conduct as senseless disobedi- 
ence of the most perverse kind. 

Ellen. I know he considers Edward's con- 
duct as the blackest ingratitude. Oh ! what 
will become of the poor boy away off in 
a foreign land without money and without 
friends ? 

Henshaw. While I am alive he will never 
suffer from actual want. I have saved some- 
thing from my earnings, and he shall share it 
with me. 

Ellen. God bless your dear kind heart ! 

Hensliaiv. I can never forget the bright 
boy who, long years ago, pleaded with his 
father so eloquently for me, when I came to 
your door a poor lad seeking employment. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 25 

Ellen. Ah, dear Gilbert, you have paid that 
debt of gratitude over and over again. 

Henshaw. Can I ever do enough for your 
brother ? Does not his sister's love more than 
repay me ? 

Ellen. Dear Gilbert, that was a gift which 
could not be withheld. But while we are 
talking about ourselves, we are forgetting 
Edward. Take me to him, and I will try what 
I can do to persuade him to return. {They go 
toivard door. Enter Charlotte, who stops them.) 

Charlotte. Where are you going ? Any 
news from Edward ? Ma has sent me over 
thinking there might be a lull in the storm, to 
get the latest advices from the scene of devas- 
tation. 

Ellen. Ah, Lotty ! Lotty ! How can you 
make fun of such a calamity ? 

Charlotte. Good gracious ! You don't ex- 
pect me to go into mourning because your 
father and brother have quarreled ? 

Henshaw. Miss Ramsey, I am afraid it is 
more serious than you apprehend. 

Ellen. Ah ! yes, Lotty, it is almost a trag- 
edy. 

Charlotte. But you have not answered my 
question. Where are you going ? 

Ellen. We are going after Edward. 

Charlotte. Where is he ? 



26 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Henshaw. He is at the station. I have 
persuaded him to remain till night. While we 
are gone, you can use your influence with Mr. 
Talbot, to heal up the quarrel. 

Ellen. Yes, stay here and try and persuade 
pa to relent. {They go out?) 

Charlotte. Try and persuade pa to relent ! 
Try and persuade a negro to turn white, why 
didn't she say ? If he wished to, he is so 
made that he couldn't. It is an interesting 
position, to be sure ! They fly to console the 
lamb while I am left to pull the claws of the 
lion. In his own den, too ! {Talbot heard out- 
side.) There ! I hear his roar. 

{Enter Talbot, who is calling out.) 

Talbot. Henshaw ! Where are you ? 

Charlotte. I am here, but I am not Hen- 
shaw. 

Talbot. Ah, Lotty, it's you ! Excuse me, 
I am busy. {Turns to go out.) 

Charlotte. Stay, Mr. Talbot, I want to say 
a word to you. 

Talbot {brusquely). Well, say on. 

Charlotte. Don't snap my head off, or I 
won't be able to say anything. 

Talbot. Girl, what have you to say that can 
possibly interest me just now ? 

Charlotte. Oh ! if you don't want to hear 
my news, you needn't listen. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 2J 

Talbot. News, child ! Has he sent any 
message by you ? 

Charlotte. Yes. 

Talbot. What was it ? Speak quick. 

Charlotte. He wanted me to try and per- 
suade you to relent. 

Talbot. He knows my terms ; instant obe- 
dience. 

Charlotte. I did not know that he ever dis- 
obeyed you. 

Talbot. For the last year he has done noth- 
ing else, and your mother is to blame for it. 

Charlotte. That's queer ! Mother hardly 
ever sees him. 

Talbot [in a rage). That is a little too 
much ! Surely the devil has entered into this 
family. 

Charlotte. Is he in the room now, sir ? 

Talbot. If he is not, one of his emissaries 
is. What do you mean by telling me that 
your mother hardly ever sees Edward ? 

Charlotte. Oh ! you thought I meant Ed- 
ward ? 

Talbot. And, pray, who did you mean ? 

Charlotte. Mr. Henshaw, to be sure. You 
asked for him when you came in. 

Talbot. Child, you ought to know better 
than to trifle with my feelings in that way. 
{Goes out.) 



28 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Charlotte. When it came to the point I 
could not do it; the words stuck in my throat. 
I could not bring myself to plead for Edward 

at all. What does it mean ? Am I {Looks 

round inquiringly^) Is there anyone listening? 

Am I in love with him? Well! Well! Well! 

{Enter Hai'ry Smith.) 

Smith. Well! Well! Well! That is just 
what I say. 

Charlotte. Good gracious ! Have you been 
listening? 

Smith. Don't be alarmed ; I only heard 
"Well! Well! Well!" But where is the fellow 
you were talking to ? 

Charlotte. He is here. {Smith looks round 
room.) 

Smith. I don't see him. Is he hid in a 
closet ? 

Charlotte. That is the way they do in the 
theater, but not the way my friends do. I 
have just had an interview with Mr. Talbot, 
and in thinking it over I was muttering to 
myself. 

Smith. Then if there is no rival within 
hearing, I will proceed with what I have to 
say. But in the first place, are you not sur- 
prised to see me ? 

Charlotte. Not a bit of it. That faculty of 
my mind has had so much exercise this morn- 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 29 

ing that it is no longer capable of another 
effort. It is entirely exhausted. 

Smith. Well, then, to pitch right into the 
middle of things, I have seen him. 

Charlotte. Edward, you mean ? 

Smith. Yes. 

Charlotte. And so you know what has hap- 
pened. 

Smith. Yes, everything. 

Charlotte. What do you think ? Is there 
any hope of his coming back? 

Smith. Not the slightest. 

Charlotte. You think he has fully made up 
his mind ? 

Smith. Beyond recall. He has headed for 
Rome, and he will go there if he has to work 
his passage. 

Charlotte. It will come hard on him, for he 
has been delicately brought up. 

Smith. I have agreed to lend him money. 

Charlotte. That is kind in you. 

Smith. I don't want to claim any more 
virtue than I am entitled to. I am so glad he 
is going away that I am quite willing to speed 
him on his journey. 

Charlotte. Won't you miss him ? I thought 
you were such great friends. 

Smith. Certainly I shall ; and before I have 
finished my story you will be more than ever 
convinced that we are great friends. 



30 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Charlotte. I am glad to hear it. 

Smith. Now then, to begin the real busi- 
ness of my interview. What do you suppose 
I am here for? 

CJiarlotte. That is a conundrum you will 
have to answer for me. 

Smith. Well, then, you must know that 
Ed. and I have had a long talk about you. 

Charlotte. I suppose you found the topic 
agreeable. 

Smith. I did ; but not so agreeable as I 
find the original. 

Charlotte. Can't you skip the hard words ? 

Smith. But poor Ed., although he found 
the subject interesting, was not so cheered by 
it as I was. 

Charlotte. Indeed ! And, pray, what more 
reason have you than Edward for finding me a 
cheerful subject ? 

Smith. Come now, Lotty, you know that 
Ed. and I have both been after you for a long 
while. 

Charlotte. And, let me ask, how did your 
wisdom suppose I knew that you and Ed. were 
after me, as you call it, whatever that may 
happen to be ? 

Smith. Every girl knows when a fellow is 
spoony on her, and you are about as cute as 
they make them. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 3 I 

Charlotte. And so you have left your busi- 
ness, and come up from the city to tell me that 
I knew that you and Edward have been after 
me for a long while ? 

Smith. Come now, Lotty, don't be too hard 
on a fellow. I was on my way out West, 
when, looking out of the car window at the 
station down here, I saw poor Ed. with a va- 
lise in his hand ; he appeared very glum, and 
I thought I would get out and speak to him. 

Charlotte. Do you know the moral of your 
little story ? 

Smith. What do you mean ? 

Charlotte. Don't look out of car windows. 

Smith. I am glad I did, for I think it was 
the turning point of my existence. 

Charlotte. Your simile is hardly appropri- 
ate ; a window is too flat to be a point ; but if 
it turned I suppose it was a revolving light. 

Smith. If you are so critical, let me com- 
pare it to a magic glass, in which I saw my fate. 

Charlotte. Have you not taken a glass too 
much ? You grow incoherent. 

Smith. How can a fellow help it when you 
interrupt all the time ? When I got out, Ed. 
told me all about the row with his father, and 
about you, and how he had lost all chance of 
ever getting you, and that he resigned you in 
my favor, according to our agreement. 



32 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Charlotte. He resigned me according to 
your agreement ! 

Smith. Yes, as I was going on to tell you, 
when you stopped me to make fun of me, Ed. 
and I both fell in love with you a long time 
ago, and the question was who should have the 
first chance to get you ; so what did we do 
but draw lots for it, and he won. And now he 
says that he has given up all hope, and that I 
may step in. 

Charlotte. And I suppose I am to under- 
stand that you are stepping in now. 

Smith. Now you are helping a fellow along ; 
that's it, exactly. What do you say ? 

Charlotte {aside). There is something noble 
in this simplicity ; it touches me. {Aloud.) 
You take me by surprise ; I am not prepared 
with an answer, but I will say this much, I 
thank you for your friendly feelings toward 
me, and there is my hand on it. 

Smith {taking her hand.) If you could find 
it in your heart to love me, I would be the 
happiest fellow alive, but I will try and bear 
my fate like a man, whatever it may be. {Kisses 
her hand.) God bless you, and good bye for 
the present. I promised to report to Ed. I 
will be back for an answer before I take the 
train this evening. {Goes out.) 

Charlotte. Oh, dear ! I am afraid I am be- 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 33 

ginning to learn too late what it is to love. 
That Harry Smith is not a bad fellow ; he is 
coming back for an answer. I must retire for 
a little quiet meditation. I will be inter- 
rupted here. {Goes out L. Enter Talbot R.) 

Talbot. Thank goodness that girl has gone ! 
I wonder where Ellen and Henshaw can be. 
They are not in any part of the house. I am 
impatient to communicate my new plans to 
them. I must forget that boy, and the sooner 
I have established things on the new footing 
the better able I will be to do so. The heart- 
less, ungrateful puppy ! aided and abetted by 
that woman, too. 

{Enter Mrs. R.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. Mr. Talbot, where is my 
daughter ? 

Talbot {sternly). Mrs. Ramsey, where is my 
son ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. My dear sir, how should I 
know ? I sent my daughter over for news of 
him, but I felt so anxious and uneasy that I 
could not wait for her return. 

Talbot. Well may you feel anxious about 
him ! He was a nice, promising youth till 
you got hold of him, and now see what you 
have made of him ! 

Mrs. Ramsey. What I have made of him ! 

Talbot. Yes, madame ; you have made him 



34 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

a wanderer and a vagabond upon the face of 
the earth. 

Mrs. Ramsey. My dear sir ! 

Talbot. Don't dear sir me, madame ; I am 
not your dear sir, nor your dear anything. I 
hate the sight of you. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Control yourself, sir ; it is 
absurd to blame me for the consequences of 
your own unjust severity. 

Talbot. Oh ! this is too much. You not 
only rob me of my son, but you have the 
effrontery to upbraid me with it as if it were 
not the result of your vile teachings. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I forgive your language in 
view of your condition ; you seem to be in a 
state bordering on frenzy, but I cannot let the 
imputation pass without denial. I have taught 
him nothing that is vile. I have only sympa- 
thized with his artistic tastes, and encouraged 
the natural bent of his mind. 

Talbot. Your own words condemn you, 
madame, for you knew all the time that I 
utterly abominated such namby-pamby do- 
ings ; business, madame, men's work, was what 
I designed him for. 

Mrs. Ramsey. You see how futile it was, 
sir, for he took as naturally to art as an eagle 
to the air, spurning the groveling pursuits you 
allude to. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 35 

Talbot [advancing toward her in a threaten- 
ing manner). Look here, madame, you are a 
woman, but if you say much more I will not 
be able to keep my hands off you. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Enough, sir, I will consult 
my personal safety by leaving you. {Goes 
out.) 

Talbot [walking zip and down the room 
excitedly). Curse her impudence to beard me 
in my own house ! She actually seemed to 
rejoice in the mischief she has done. [Enter 
Hens haw and Ellen.) 

Ellen. What have you done to Mrs. Ram- 
sey, pa ? 

Talbot. Don't mention the woman's name. 
Where have you been ? I have been looking 
all over the house for you. 

Henshaw. We took a walk as far as the 
station. 

Talbot. I don't want you to leave for the 
city till to-morrow, so there is no occasion to 
go to the station. 

Ellen. Pa, you must know why we went 
there. 

Talbot. I don't see the necessity. 

Henshazv. The topic is a painful one, but 
we cannot ignore it. 

Ellen, Yes, pa, you know we went to see 
Edward. 

8 



2,6 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Talbot. He is no longer my son, and I do 
not choose to speak of him. 

Ellen. Ah, pa, he is my brother, and I must 
speak of him ; must plead with you for him. 

Henshaw. Surely, sir, you have not driven 
him from your mind as well as your house. 

Talbot. I have driven him from my mind, 
but he drove himself from my house. 

Henshaw. Far be it from me to attempt to 
justify a son's disobedience to a father, but 
surely in a father's heart there is some pity 
for an erring son. 

Ellen. Ah, yes, pa, relent a little toward 
poor Edward. 

Talbot. Never, if by that you mean that I 
shall surrender my volition to his. 

Henshaw. I see no way out of this painful 
embarrassment unless you do, sir. 

Talbot. Who is embarrassed ? I am not. 

Ellen. But Edward, pa. 

Talbot. Oh, he is embarrassed, is he ? 

Ellen. How cruel it sounds to hear you 
talk so. You know how hard it will be for 
him if you leave him alone to — to {weeps). 

Talbot. Starve ! Let him die in a ditch if 
he prefers it. I have offered him wealth and 
position in the world, and he has spurned 
them. 

Henshaw. My dear sir, this is awful ! 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 37 

Talbot. I did not introduce the subject. 

Hens haw. But it is your son we are talking 
about. 

Talbot. I tell you he is no longer my son. 
For him I toiled and struggled ; I acquired 
wealth ; I made a name ; I expected him to 
succeed to that wealth and that name, and to 
follow in the footsteps of his father ; but it 
was not to be ; it was the idle dream of an 
old man, and has vanished never to return. 

Ellen. Oh ! this is too dreadful. 

Talbot. Talk no more of the past ; let us 
look only to the future ; now listen to my 
plans. 

Ellen. Pa, I must speak about Edward. 

Talbot. Then you must find another list- 
ener, for I tell you I will hear no more of him. 

Ellen. But, pa. 

Talbot. Silence ! and pay attention to me. 
I have no doubt you will find what I am going 
to say interesting ; I have lost one son to-day, 
but I have made arrangements to get another. 

Ellen. What do you mean, pa ? 

Talbot. Keep still and I will tell you ; but 
before I say any more about it, I want to 
ask Henshaw a few questions ; and first, How 
long have you been with me, Gilbert? 

Henshaw. Twelve years. 

Talbot. How many times during that period 



38 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

have you failed to make your appearance at 
the office on business days ? 

Henshaw. I have not kept a record, sir. 

Talbot. But I have ; during those twelve 
years you have been away twelve days in all. 

Henshaw. An average of one day in the 
year. 

Talbot. Not a bad record. Yes, Gilbert, 
for twelve years you have faithfully and cheer- 
fully served me, never sparing yourself nor 
complaining, and I think I can truly say that 
I have never lost a dollar by any act or omis- 
sion of yours. It is a splendid record, and 
you may well be proud of it, and when you 
are my son I will be proud of it too. 

Henshaw {looking to Ellen). What do I 
hear ? Can I believe my ears ? 

Ellen. Oh, Gilbert ! Pa consents to our 
marriage. 

Talbot. I do, because he is now rich, and 
will be able to support a wife. 

Henshaw. I am at a loss to understand 
you, sir. My savings amount to something; 
but Ellen knows that I cannot now count on 
them as formerly. {Aside to Ellen.) Edward, 
you know. 

Talbot. It is not a question of your sav- 
ings, but of my estate. I have written to my 
lawyer to alter my will, and insert in it Gil- 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 39 

bert wherever Edward occurred in the old 
one. 

Henshazv. If I understand, you intend to 
give me Edward's portion of your estate. 

Talbot. Exactly. 

Ellen (kisses her father). Thank you, dear 
pa. 

HensJiazv {looks at her, astonished). Ellen, 
do you really wish me to accept this ? (Ellen 
goes aside; beckons him to her.) 

Ellen (aside to Henshaw). Don't thwart 
him ; agree to it. I will give Edward my 
share. 

Talbot. What's all that whispering about ? 
Don't you think Gilbert Talbot will sound as 
well as Gilbert Henshaw? 

Henshazv. I don't gather your meaning, sir. 

Talbot. Don't you see that if I alter the 
will by putting Gilbert where Edward was, it 
will read Gilbert Talbot instead of Edward 
Talbot ? 

HensJiazv. I am to understand, then, that 
as a condition of accepting your bounty, I am 
to change my name from Henshaw to Talbot ? 

Talbot. Certainly; I wish the business to 
be carried on in the old name, and in giving it 
to you I feel that I am intrusting it to one 
who will never dishonor it. 

Henshazv. Sir, I am bound to you and your 



40 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

family by every sentiment that can influence 
the human heart — the most endearing recol- 
lections, the fondest anticipations; memory 
and hope alike importune me to yield to your 
request, and if I resist their power, it is in 
obedience to the very sentiment which impels 
you to ask my compliance with your wish, a 
just pride in an honorable name. It is the 
only inheritance my father left me, and re- 
spect for his memory forbids me to sell it. 

Talbot. What's in the wind now ? Has the 
devil got into you, too ? 

Ellen. Pa, don't let us talk any more about 
it at present. Give Gilbert time to think over 
your offer. 

Talbot. Not another minute; now or never. 

Henshaw. My dear sir, the events of the 
day have upset us all ; in another frame of 
mind you might regret this thing you are now 
urging upon me. 

Talbot. I see where the shoe pinches ; you 
have taken sides with Edward against me. 

Ellen. Dear pa, Gilbert is not taking sides 
against you. Is it likely, when he says it is 
respect for his father's memory which prevents 
him from complying with your request ? 

Talbot. If he will say that it is only respect 
for his father's memory which makes him re- 
fuse, I will change my will again, and put 
Henshaw where Talbot is. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 41 

Henshaw. I repeat, I do not think I would 
show respect for my father's memory by be- 
traying a friend. 

Talbot. Enough, sir. You know where 
your friend is, follow him. I have no further 
need of you. 

(He leaves the room, and Ellen and Henshaw 
look at each other, dumb with wonder.) 

END OF ACT II. 



ACT III. 



(Room in Mrs. Ramsey s house; Mrs. Ramsey 
alone.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. I hope John will find him at 
the station ; yes, the more I think of it, the 
better I like it. To be sure, it will give that 
furious old creature some color for his remark 
that I have robbed him of his son ; but if Ed- 
ward is a sensible young man he will thank me 
for the theft. (Enter Charlotte.) My dear, I 
am glad to see you alive ; I began to be ap- 
prehensive for your safety. 

Charlotte. Why, mother, what was my 
danger ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. Well, you see, I went over to 
the Talbots to learn what kept you, and I 
found the old gentleman pacing up and down 



42 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

the room like a caged tiger, and my word for 
it, he flew at me as savagely as any inmate of 
a menagerie, I can assure you ; I am glad that 
I escaped with my life. 

Charlotte. He was pretty cross when I was 
there ; the day's doings have almost made 
him wild. I have heard from Edward. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Well, what was it ? 

Charlotte. He sent me a message, or rather, 
Harry Smith gave me an account of an inter- 
view he had with him. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Harry Smith ! What brought 
him here ? 

Charlotte. The cars. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I didn't suppose he walked, 
miss. 

Charlotte. Forgive me, ma, but the cars 
brought him in a peculiar sense ; that is, it was 
not the cars exactly, but a car window that 
brought him. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I begin to think that old 
Talbot has frightened you out of your wits. 
What nonsense are you talking, child ? 

Charlotte. This is it ; Harry Smith was go- 
ing West, and while the train was stopping at 
the station, he looked out of the car window 
and saw Edward, and he got out to speak to 
him ; and what Edward told him made him 
come to me. By the way, ma, Edward is not 
going till night. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 43 

Mrs. Ramsey. I am glad of it, for I have 
sent John with a note to the station to give to 
Edward if he is there. I want to see him 
before he goes, if possible. 

Charlotte. I wonder if he will come. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I hope so ; but go on with 
your story. 

Charlotte. Well, it was a queer story. 
{Stops.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. Dear me, girl, why do you 
keep me waiting? Out with it. 

Charlotte. What do you say to my having 
an offer ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. It will depend on what the 
offer was. 

Charlotte. The word has only one meaning 
with us young ladies. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Oh, I see ! Mr. Smith has 
proposed to you. I am glad of it ; he is a very 
nice young man. 

Charlotte. So you would give your consent ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. Certainly ; I hope you have 
given yours. 

Charlotte. Well, I have not refused him, 
and he is coming back for an answer before he 
goes away. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Of course you will put his 
mind at rest when he returns. His offer comes 
very opportunely for a plan of mine. 



44 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Charlotte. How can it possibly affect any 
plan of yours ? 

Mrs. Ramsey {not heeding her). Yes, yes ; I 
can now leave you without any anxiety, since 
you are so well provided for. 

Charlotte. Where are you going ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. To Italy. 

Charlotte. To Italy, ma ! 

Mrs. Ramsey. I shall accompany Edward. 

Charlotte. You take away my breath ! 

Mrs. Ramsey. His genius must be en- 
couraged. 

Charlotte. Mother, you are art mad. Be- 
sides, you are not old enough to travel about 
the world alone with a young man like Ed- 
ward. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I shall go as his wife. 

Charlotte. Great heavens, mother ! Have 
you no shame ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. My motive will prevent any 
blush from staining my cheek. I wish to pre- 
sent a great genius to the world. 

Charlotte. But, ma, are you sure it will be 
a great genius ; it may be only a girl. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Who ought to be ashamed 
now, miss ? What I mean is that by marry- 
ing Edward I can help him to pursue his stud- 
ies, for your father's will gives me half his 
estate absolutely if I marry again. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 45 

Charlotte. And so you hand me over to 
Harry Smith, whether I want him or not, in 
order that you may run away with my old 
playmate ! I declare, I don't know which is 
the worst, you or old Mr. Talbot. 
{Enter Edivard ; Charlotte leaves room hur- 
riedly.) 

Edward. I received your note, madame, 
and here I am. Lotty seems anxious to avoid 
me. 

Mrs. Ramsey. She is a little flustered just 
now. She has been telling me of an offer of 
marriage she has received from an old friend 
of yours. 

Edward. You refer to Harry Smith, I sup- 
pose. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Oh ! then he has told you 
about it. 

Edivard. I knew that he went to see your 
daughter for that purpose; but I have not 
heard from him since. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Then you don't know her 
answer. 

Edivard. No; what was it? 

Mrs. Ramsey. She gave him encourage- 
ment. 

Edivard. I expected as much. I hope she 
will be happy. 

Mrs. Ramsey. There can be no doubt of it- 



46 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

I only wish, my dear young friend, that you 
were as fortunate. 

Edivard. I am afraid that good fortune and 
I have shaken hands for a final separation. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Cheer up, I will always be 
your friend. 

Edivard, Dear madame, you have given me 
every reason to believe it. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I have always sympathized 
with you, and encouraged you in your laudable 
ambition. 

Edward. You have indeed. 

Mrs. Ramsey. And you have found my 
sympathy a stimulant to your exertions? 

Edward. Without it I would have given up 
in despair long ago. 

Mrs. Ramsey. It would be agreeable to 
have it always, would it not ? 

Edward. Ah, madame, why suggest to me 
what I shall miss when away from you in a 
foreign land ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. Why be away from me in a 
foreign land ? 

Edward. And did you send for me to per- 
suade me to abandon my resolve ? Has my 
father influenced you to this? 

Mrs. Ramsey. You can judge by my answer. 
I ask you to take me with you. 

Edward. Take you with me ! How can I 
take you with me ? 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 47 

Mrs. Ramsey. As your wife. 

Edward. As my wife ! You are ill, madame, 
let me call your daughter. (Is going to door 
when Mrs. R.:) 

Mrs. Ramsey. Stop ! Stop ! There is 
nothing the matter with me. 

Edward. Then there must be something 
the matter with me ; I thought I heard you 
ask me to marry you ! 

Mrs. Ramsey {aside). This is rather mor- 
tifying. (Aloud.) There is not much ails you 
except a little obtuseness of perception. 
Don't be alarmed. I will not try to run away 
with you. I have not fallen in love with you. 

Edward. What can I say, madame ? The 
suddenness of such an unexpected proposition ; 
in short, I — I 

Mrs. Ramsey. Was thinking of my daugh- 
ter ; I am sorry she has been spoken for. 

Edward. Great God, madame ! Why this 
cruelty ? My father drives me from his house, 
my friend robs me of the girl I love, and you, 
her mother, from whom I had every reason to 
expect kindness, taunt me with it ! There 
must be potency in a father's curse. [Walks 
up and down room in great agitation}) 

Mrs. Ramsey. Edward, I am shocked; I did 
not know your feelings were so deeply inter- 
ested in my daughter. 



48 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Edzvard. Where have been your eyes all 
these years back ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. I have, indeed, been blind. 

Edward. And I, like a fool, thought I 
could give her up to my friend with the tran- 
quillity of a philosopher ! 

Mrs. Ramsey. But why did you give her 
up to your friend ? 

Edzvard. Because I knew I had no chance 
of getting her myself. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Did you ever ask her to marry 
you ? 

Edzvard. {Stops zvalking, and stands look- 
ing at Mrs. Ramsey as if struck by an unex- 
pected idea.) Idiot that I am ! It never 
occurred to me to do so. 

Mrs. Ramsey. The most amazing piece of 
folly I ever listened to ! 

Edzvard. You know they say one cannot 
be in love and wise at the same time. 

Mrs. Ramsey. You are undoubtedly a case 
in point. What could have been the matter 
with you ? 

Edzvard. I suppose my admiration for her 
raised her so far above me that I never 
thought I could reach her, and my feeling to- 
ward her is something like that of a child 
who cries for the moon. 

Mrs. Ramsey. She is a moon, however, that 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 49 

I will pluck from this imaginary sky of yours 
and give to you, if I can. 

Edward. Then you have no — no 

Mrs. Ramsey. No designs on you myself. 
I merely wished to marry you in order to give 
you the means of pursuing your studies. 
(Charlotte looks in at door unobserved by them.) 

Edivard. Dear madame, how can I thank 
you enough ? (Charlotte retires with an ex- 
pression of dismay}) But we forget ; it is too 
late, she is engaged to another. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Not absolutely; she told me 
that Mr. Smith was to return for a final an- 
swer before he went away; I will constrain 
her to answer no. 

Edivard. Of what use will it be if she 
loves him and refuses me ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. We can do no more; it will 
at least give you an opportunity to propose 
to her. 

Edward. Well, I will go back to the sta- 
tion. Henshaw will probably be there look- 
ing for me. (Goes out.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. And now I must find Char- 
lotte. (Goes out. Enter Charlotte.) 

Charlotte. Ma has a fondness for art with 
a vengeance ! Yes, there is a great deal of 
art about her. To think that I have been ac- 
quainted with her so long and not found her 



-\ 

50 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

out till to-day ! What is the world coming to 
when you can't leave your mother for half an 
hour without finding on your return that she 
has agreed to elope with your playmate ! 
The earth must be revolving with unusual 
rapidity to make these old folks so giddy. 
Oh, dear! I could cry if I did not feel so 
much like laughing. And that great booby, 
Edward, too ! He is making a nice day's 
work of it ! Not content with running away 
from his father, he must needs take my 
mother with him, to say nothing of sending 
me a husband before he starts ! Perhaps he 
thought he might as well provide for the 
whole family while he was about it. Little 
did I think he had designs on my mother 
when he bid me good bye this morning. No 
wonder he looked solemn. I have no doubt 
his conscience was troubling him, knowing 
how soon he was to make me an orphan. But 
he shall not deprive me of my mother with- 
out a struggle. I will go and consult Ellen 
about it. {Goes toward door. Enter Mrs. 
Ramsey.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. Stop, Lotty; where are you 
going? 

Charlotte (turning round). I am not going 
to Italy, ma. Harry and I prefer to spend our 
honeymoon quietly at home. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 5 I 

Mrs. Ramsey. Sit down ; I want to speak 
to you about Mr. Smith. I have changed my 
mind ; I do not wish you to marry him. 

Charlotte. I see; you want to propose to 
him yourself. You have turned Mormon ; you 
are directing your attention to theology as well 
as art, and are going to Rome by the way of 
Salt Lake City. Go west, young woman, go 
west. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Stop your nonsense, child, 
and listen to me; we have no time to lose. 

Charlotte. You evidently think so, to judge 
by the use you have made of yours in the last 
few hours. Two husbands in one day! "In- 
satiate" mother, "would not one suffice?" 
But as you say, I have no time to lose, and I 
must hurry. {Turns to go.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. Why, child, what are you 
going to do at the Talbots' ? 

Charlotte {turning round). I have not fully 
made up my mind ; perhaps I shall marry old 
Mr. Talbot before I get back. {Goes out.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. She is evidently much piqued 
because she thinks I am going to marry Ed- 
ward. I am glad to believe it, for I think it 
augurs well for him. Her indifference to him 
may be all a pretense. 

{Enter Edzuard and Smith.) 

Edward. I met Mr. Smith on his way here 
9 



52 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

and as I am interested in the object of his 
visit, I thought I would return with him. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I am in a measure prepared 
for your call, Mr. Smith. 

Smith. Then your daughter has informed 
you of what passed between us this morning. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Yes ; that is, she told me 
that you had made her an offer of marriage. 

Smith. I have just been telling Ed., and he 
has made to me the most astounding proposi- 
tion. 

Mrs. Ramsey. What is it ? 

Smith. He actually wants me to take back 
my offer. 

Edward. No, no, Harry; you state it a lit- 
tle too strongly. I merely wish you to let 
your offer remain in abeyance for a while. 

Smith. And in the meantime he proposes 
tc press his own suit. In other words, while I 
am lying still he intends to cut me out if he 
can. It is the coolest thing I ever heard of. 
It has a shiver from the north pole in it. 

Mrs. Ramsey. And why not wait a little, 
Mr. Smith? 

Smith. And can you really advocate such 
treatment of your own daughter ? I am glad 
that my honor, as well as my inclination, for- 
bids me to be guilty of it. 

Mrs. Ramsey. But if my daughter should 
release you, what then ? 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 53 

Edward. Yes, Harry, what then ? 
Smith. And, pray, who will dare to ask her 
to release me ? Show me the person. 

Mrs. Ramsey. There is no occasion for 
bluster, Mr. Smith ; I will do it myself. 

Smith. Madame, you are her mother, and 
may forbid her to marry me if you please; but 
you have no right to ask her to release me; for 
in so doing you will convey to her the impres- 
sion that I wish to be released, which is not 
the case. 

Edward. Remember our bargain, Harry. 
Smith. I do remember it, and you can't say 
that I have not lived up to it. 

Edward. I don't deny it, Harry. 
Smith. Then what more do you want ? 
Edward {taking his hand with emotion). 
Harry, old boy, my heart — is breaking. Let 
up a little on me, won't you ? 

Smith. Look here, Ed., I am human, and 
therefore I pity you ; but being human, I have 
gone through the same thing you now expe- 
rience. That choking feeling will go away 
after awhile ; besides, Ed., you have no chance 
and I have. No, I won't give her up. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I have known you both, 
young gentlemen, for a long while, and I like 
you both. I wish I had a daughter for each of 
you. What is this bargain you have been talk- 
ing about ? 



54 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Smith. Well, you see Ed. and I both fell in 
love with Lotty ; we told each other, and 
made a bargain that one of us was to have the 
first chance to try for her. We drew lots and 
Ed. won. He has tried and failed ; now it is 
my turn. 

Mrs. Ramsey. There, I knew I could help 
you out of the difficulty. Now, Mr. Smith, if 
I can convince you that Edward has not tried, 
you will step aside. 

Smith. I will never go back on my word 
to your daughter. I shall ask her again for 
her answer to my question. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Of course, of course; all I 
ask is, that if I prove to you that Edward has 
not tried, you will put off asking your ques- 
tion till he does try. 

Smith. Certainly I will ; but you can't 
prove it, for Ed. admits himself that he has 
failed. 

Mrs. Ramsey. We will see ; did not Ed- 
ward's first chance include popping the ques- 
tion, as it is called ? 

Smith. Why, of course. 

Edward. Hurra ! this is glorious ! 

Mrs. Ramsey. And if he has not done that, 
then he has not taken his chance. 

Smith. I admit that. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Now, Edward, have you ever 
asked my daughter to marry you ? 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 55 

Edward. Never; like a soldier in a panic, 
I fled without firing a shot. 

Smith. What did you mean, then, by tell- 
ing me this morning that you gave her up ? 

Edward. Alas ! what I mean now, that I 
think she does not love me. 

Smith. Of course, if you have never asked 
her, according to our agreement you are en- 
titled to do so ; and now that we are both 
here, why not decide the matter at once ? 
Where is your daughter, madame ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. She has gone to see Miss 
Talbot. 

Edward. That is embarrassing, for I can't 
go there. 

Smith. I see nothing for it but to wait till 
she returns. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I will go and tell her that 
you are waiting. I wish to prepare her mind. 

Smith. Mrs. Ramsey, honor bright ! 

Mrs. Ramsey. What do you mean ? 

Smith. Don't say "anything about releasing 
me, if you please ! 

Mrs. Ramsey. What a suspicious creature ! 
You need not be alarmed, I shall not men- 
tion your name to her. {Goes out.) 

Edward. Harry, you have acted like a trump 
all through this business. 

Smith. I am glad you are satisfied ; I meant 



56 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

to do right. While you are waiting, I think I 
will run down to the station and see if my 
traps are all safe. They don't keep an extra 
sharp look out there. {Goes out.) 

Edward. What a day this has been ! It 
seems a year ago since I got up. Expelled 
from my father's house ! Proposed to by Mrs. 
Ramsey ! and now on the point of offering 
myself to her daughter, after having surrend- 
ered her to my friend ! My head is in a whirl 
with such a tornado of events ! Where will it 
all end ? 

{Entej- Ellen excitedly^) 

Ellen. Edward, you must come right home ; 
there is no time to be lost. 

Edward. What is in the wind now ? 

Ellen. Gilbert and pa have quarreled. 

Edward. Gilbert and father have quar- 
reled ! 

Ellen. Yes ; and you alone can make it up 
between them. 

Edward. I like to hear that, I must say ! 
Has he not driven me from his house ? 

Ellen. Strange as it may seem, you only 
can reconcile them. 

Edward. If this were any other day I would 
not believe you ; but after all, what you tell me 
is only in keeping with everything else which 
is taking place around us. What did they 
quarrel about ? 



TEMPER TEMPEST. $7 

Ellen. About you ; you are the cause of all 
our misfortunes. 

Edzvard. Including my own. I am, indeed, 
a wretch. But how came they to quarrel 
about me ? 

Ellen. Well, you see, after you went away, 
pa resolved to disinherit you ; so he wrote to 
his lawyer to change his will. 

Edzvard. And yet you tell me that I can 
pacify his anger against Gilbert ! 

Ellen. Certainly ; because it was about the 
will the quarrel took place. 

Edzvard. Ah ! I might have known it ; Gil- 
bert remonstrated. 

Ellen. You have to thank him for more 
than that ; pa wished to adopt Gilbert as his 
son in your place and put his name in the will 
instead of yours. 

Edzvard. What did Gilbert say ? 

Ellen. Oh ! Edward, if you could have 
heard him ! How nobly he spoke ! Pa 
wanted him to take the name of Talbot. I 
can't think of all Gilbert said ; but I remem- 
ber one thing : he declared he would never 
sell his name to betray a friend. 

Edzvard. Noble, true man that he is ! What 
did father say ? 

Ellen. He told him to follow his friend. 
Now, Edward, all his prospects in life depend 
on you. Will you let him be ruined? 



58 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Edward. Never ! never ! I will go to my 
father and submit to anything to save him. 

END OF ACT III. 



ACT IV. 

(Mr. Talbofs house. Mr. Talbot seated at a 
table?) 

Talbot. Gilbert gone, too ! My right hand 
man who was to succeed me at the head of 
my business, and to be the guide of my son ! 
In my rage I have knocked every prop from 
under my house, and here I am alone in the 
ruins. (Rests his elbow on table with his head 
on his hand. Charlotte appears at C door and 
stands regarding him for a few moments, then 
quietly walks up behind and kisses him on the 
forehead. He looks up at her in surprise?) 

Charlotte. Did I startle you ? You remem- 
ber that is the way I used to come up behind 
you when I was a little girl. You look lone- 
some. Where is Ellen ? 

Talbot. She has gone out. 

Charlotte. She will be back soon, I suppose. 

Talbot. I don't know; perhaps she'll never 
come back. 

Charlotte. Maybe she is going to Italy 
with Edward. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 59 

Talbot. You make the suggestion very 
calmly. 

Charlotte. Oh, yes; I am prepared for 
anything. 

Talbot. Henshaw has gone, too. 

Charlotte. Well, if Ellen don't come back 
he won't. 

Talbot. That will not make any difference. 
He has gone for good. 

Charlotte. Then farewell to Ellen, for she 
will never return without him. So they have 
all gone: Edward, Ellen, Henshaw. 

Talbot. Yes, yes; all gone, and I am left 
like an old wreck stranded on the beach. 

Charlotte. I am a wreck, too, so I will haul 
up alongside of you. [Takes a stool and sits 
down at his feet.) 

Talbot. Thank you, my little dear, you 
feel sorry for a lonely old man. So you are a 
wreck too ? 

Charlotte. Yes; I went down in the same 
temper tempest that you did. 

Talbot. Well may you call it a tempest; it 
has been blowing a gale all day. 

Charlotte. And from the same quarter — 
this house. 

Talbot. No, no; it was your mother who 
raised the breeze. But, child, how did you 
come to be wrecked ? 



60 TEMPER TEMPEST. 



Charlotte. , Your son 



Talbot {starting up). What ! The heart- 
less scoundrel ! 

Charlotte. Yes, he has left me stranded on 
the beach, as you say. 

Talbot {stretching out his hand in great ex- 
citement). Never will I permit it; I will fol- 
low him to the ends of the earth, but I will 
see justice done you. 

Charlotte. Oh, do ! and make him bring 
ma back. 

Talbot. Bring back your mother? {Sits 
down again}) 

Charlotte. Oh, yes ! Tell him he may go 
to Rome and live in the catacombs all his life 
if he will only bring ma back. 

Talbot. Surely I have misapprehended 
you ! 

Charlotte. No, you haven't; he has made 
me an orphan; he has persuaded ma to marry 
him and go to Italy with him. 

Talbot. My son marry your mother! 

Charlotte. Yes, he wants her money to 
buy marble to cut his figures out of. 

Talbot. If he runs away with her, damn 
me, if he won't cut a figure ! One that he 
will never be able to equal if he should chisel 
the whole quarry of Carrara. 

Charlotte. Isn't it a pity marble is so dear ? 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 6l 

This never would have happened if you had 
only given him some of your money. 

Talbot. Are you simple enough, child, to 
believe that my son has actually persuaded 
your mother to elope with him ? 

Charlotte. She told me so herself. 

Talbot. The old idiot was ashamed to tell 
you the truth. Now, I understand her fond- 
ness for art. She has hoodwinked and made 
a fool of my son. 

CJiarlotte. No, it is your son who has im- 
posed on my mother. She pitied him because 
you were so cruel to him and he has taken 
advantage of it to get her money. 

Talbot. No, no, my child, Edward has suc- 
cumbed to the arts of your mother. 

Charlotte. I tell you it is the other way; 
he has made her believe that he is a Michael 
Angelo, or something of that sort, and she 
says when she marries him she will present a 
great genius to the world. 

Talbot. When she gets hold of him he will 
indeed be a spectacle for the edification of 
mankind; the wild ass of the desert driven by 
the witch of Endor. 

Charlotte {starting up). My mother is not 
a witch. 

Talbot. She is a vile old hag. 

Charlotte. Ma is not a hag, but you are an 



62 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

ogre, and have scared Edward so that he had 
to run away with her. 

Talbot. Ah ! you admit it. She has taken 
advantage of him when his mind was weak- 
ened by fears of starvation. 

Charlotte {sitting down on the stool again). 
Oh dear ! Oh dear ! Something has gone 
wrong with her, or she never would desert me, 
and leave me alone like this. {Puts her face 
in her hands and sobs. Mrs. Ramsey appears 
at C. door and looks on a few moments?) 

Talbot {looking dozen at Charlotte). Poor 
child, I pity you. She is a silly, designing, 
heartless old wretch. 

Mrs. Ramsey {coming forward). And pray, 
Mr. Talbot, for whom are these compliments 
intended ? 

Talbot {rising and turning to her). Madame, 
for whom could they be more appropriate than 
the lady I now have the honor of addressing? 
{Bitterly.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. Sir, your rudeness is intoler- 
able. {Advances to Charlotte.) My child, what 
ails you ? Come with me. 

Charlotte {sobbing). Go, go away; don't 
come near me. 

Talbot. Yes, out of my house with you ! 
Your deserted child has fled to me for protec- 
tion. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 63 

Mrs. Ramsey. Come, Lotty, come out of 
this bear's den. (Puts her hand on Charlotte s 
shoulder, wJio shakes it off and sobs.) 

Talbot. Madame, you have forfeited all 
claim to her obedience. I am now her only 
parent. 

Mrs. Ramsey. . What new freak is this ? 

Talbot. Don't talk to me about freaks. 
Think of your meditated flight, and let shame 
overwhelm you. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Can it be possible, Lotty, 
that you have been so indiscreet ? 

Talbot. Is discretion likely to be hereditary 
in her case ? She has, however, done the 
wisest thing she could under the circum- 
stances. She has told me all and 

Mrs. Ramsey. If you would listen to me a 
moment 

Talbot. Will you have the effrontery to 
deny that 



Mrs. Ramsey. I can explain 

Talbot. Explain treachery ! Explain heart- 
less desertion ! Explain, indeed ! (In great 
excitement?) 

Mrs. Ramsey. I tell you, you are laboring 
under a misapprehension and 

Talbot. My time for misapprehending is 
past, madame. It is all as clear as noonday 
to me now, and you stand unmasked before 
me the vile woman that you are. 



64 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Charlotte {sobbing). Do-o-o-on't, Mr. Tal- 
bot. Oh! oh! oh! 

Mrs. Ramsey. If you have no regard for my 
feelings, have pity for my child. 
{Enter Edzuard.) 

Talbot {to Edward). Scoundrel ! How dare 
you show your face here ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. Talk to him, Edward. Try 
and pacify him ; his violence will kill Lotty. 

Edzuard. Father, I have come to obey your 
commands. 

Talbot. Liar ! Give her up if you want to 
obey me. 

Edzuard. Father ! Father ! Have mercy ! 
Have mercy ! 

Talbot. Hypocrite ! Idiot ! Give her up ! 
Give her up, I say! {At the top of Ids voice, 
with increased violence as he proceeds.) 

Edzvard. I cannot ! I cannot ! Do not ask 
me to tear my heart out by the roots. 

Talbot {advancing to Edzvard zuitli out- 
stretched hand and crooked fingers, as if offer- 
ing to clutch something). Oh ! if I could only 
do it for you, and put a man's in its place. 
Great heavens ! that I should be cursed with 
such a son ! 

Mrs. Ramsey {to Charlotte). Come, child. 
We have got into Bedlam. 

Charlotte {sobbing, zvithout looking up). 
Oh! oh! oh! 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 65 

Talbot {placing Jiimself between Charlotte 
and her mother). She shall not stir a step. Do 
you think I would trust her with you and that 
fool a moment ? Out of my house, both of you ! 
Go ! Go ! {Pointing to the door.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. I will not submit to this, 
madman. Give me my child. 

Talbot. You will not go ? Then, Charlotte, 
come with me. (Takes Charlotte by the hand 
and leads her out of the room. Mrs. Ramsey 
sinks down in a chair weeping?) 

Edward [without heeding Mrs. Ramsey). 
This conduct can only be accounted for on the 
theory that he has gone mad. I will find 
Henshaw, and consult with him about it. 
(Goes out.) 

Mrs. Ramsey (alone). What have I done to 
bring this upon me ? My proposal to Edward 
seemed the most natural thing in the world, 
and my motives were the purest and kindest; 
but when I mentioned it to him, he seemed to 
think my mind was wandering, from sudden 
illness ; and when his father hears of it, he 
becomes frantic with rage at what he considers 
the wicked intrigue of a designing woman. 
And yet I had but one idea in making the 
proposal ; I wished to help Edward to pursue 
his studies. I see it does not do to separate 
an idea from its material surroundings. In 



66 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

my enthusiasm I forgot that I was an old 
woman. Old at fifty ! And yet they say that 
we are immortal. I wonder how old I shall 
be after living a few millions of years in 
heaven. This has been a day, to be sure, to 
make one think of heaven, for it has been a 
perfect hell upon earth. 

(Enter Ellen, who advances rapidly to 
Mrs. Ramsey.) 

Ellen. My dear Mrs. Ramsey, what can I 
say to apologize for pa's extraordinary be- 
havior? I have just met Edward, and he has 
told me of the fearful scene you have gone 
through. Edward thinks pa's mind is seri- 
ously affected. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Oh, your father has had 
cause to excite him to-day. 

Ellen. I know ; but Edward had come 
back to yield complete submission to his 
wishes when pa, in a transport of rage, com- 
mands him to give up Lotty, with whom he is 
deeply in love — a thing, by the way, which I 
have long suspected. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Still he has some excuse. 

Ellen. I am sure it is very good in you to 
say so, but, according to Edward's account, 
his conduct was unpardonable. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Edward came in at the 
wrong moment ; seeing us together increased 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 67 

your father's anger. If you knew all, you 
would not be so surprised. 

Ellen. That is queer, for this is certainly a 
day of surprises, and your last remark is not 
the least of them. What do you refer to ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. Something concerning Ed- 
ward and me, which Lotty told your father. 

Ellen. How did Lotty get hold of it ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. I told her, and she left me 
in a pet to come and see you. 

Ellen. I was out. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Oh, if you had only been in, 
or, better, if she had not gone away in a pet, I 
would have been spared this mortification. 

Ellen. I am sorry for your sake that she 
came, but how could anything that happened 
between you and Edward put her in a pet, 
and make her cry, and take part with pa 
against- you, as she appears to have done? 

Mrs. Ramsey. O dear ! I don't see how I 
can bring myself to tell you ! It seemed all 
right at the time ; it has a different look now. 
I feel ashamed of it. My eyes seem to be 
suddenly opened. {Putting her hands to her 
face.) 

Ellen. I should say that they were sudden- 
ly shut. This is very extraordinary ! 

Mrs. Ramsey. You see I thought Edward, 
your brother (Stops, confused.) 



68 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Ellen. Well, he is my brother ; there is no 
harm in thinking that. 

Mrs. Ramsey {puts her hands to her face 
again). Oh, when I think of it, it seems so 
ridiculous ! 

Ellen. I can't see anything absurd in his 
being my brother, considering that we had 
the same father and mother. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Oh, if you only knew! You 
wouldn't believe it ! you wouldn't believe it ! 

Ellen. I must say, Mrs. Ramsey, that if 
you have been trying to convince pa that he 
is not the father of his own children, I don't 
wonder that he ordered you out of his house. 
I don't feel like listening to you much longer 
myself. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Really, my child, I can't 
bring myself to tell you ; you could never 
understand — no, never, never! 

Ellen. You are right, I couldn't, and what's 
more I have no desire to make the attempt ; 
so, please, keep your communication to your- 
self. 

Mrs. Ramsey. We are at cross purposes, 
my dear, and, as I do not wish to quarrel with 
you, I will leave you. {Goes out.) 

Ellen {alone). Pa is not as gentle as a 
zephyr, but if that old lady talked to him as 
she has been doing to me I don't wonder that 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 69 

he stormed at her. There must be some evil 
spirit in the air to-day to create such turmoil 
as we have gone through. I am not supersti- 
tious, but I really begin to believe it when I 
see all my friends going crazy before my eyes 
without any apparent cause. 
{Enter Charlotte. She goes up to Ellen, and 
kisses her.) 

Charlotte. How would you like to have me 
for a sister, my dear ? 

Ellen {kisses Charlotte). How glad you 
make me, Lotty ! So Edward has really 
found courage to propose to you ! He has 
taken his chance, and won. 

Charlotte. Yes, he won ; but he gave up 
his chance to Harry Smith. 

Ellen {aside). Another lunatic ! They are 
all mad ! {Aloud.) So he gave up his chance 
to Harry Smith ! 

Charlotte. Yes, and he has proposed to 
me, and is coming back for an answer. 

Ellen. Oh! he is coming back for an an- 
swer, is he ? 

Charlotte. Yes ; you see he took me by 
surprise, and I couldn't answer at once. 

Ellen. When did this happen. 

Charlotte. To-day. 

Ellen. This seems to have been quite a 
busy day ! 



yo TEMPER TEMPEST. 

CJiarlottc. It has been a wonderful day ! 

Ellen. Did he propose by telegraph ? He 
is in the city, you know. 

CJiarlottc. He proposed to me in this 
house ? 

Ellen. Was he visible to the eye ? I mean 
did he appear in the body, or was it merely 
his spirit that addressed you ? 

CJiarlottc. What's the matter with you, 
Ellen ? 

Ellen. I don't know ; I wish somebody 
would tell me. I begin to think I have been 
in a trance for a year or so, and suddenly woke 
up. My faculties are actually benumbed with 
astonishment. 

CJiarlottc. You must know that after you 
and Mr. Henshaw left for the station, this 
morning, Harry suddenly appeared to me in 
the body, as you say, and gave as a reason for 
doing so 

Ellen. Never mind his reasons, they would 
only bewilder me more ; let us return to the 
question you asked me a moment ago ; what 
put it in your head ? 

CJiarlottc. Your father. 

Ellen. Pa ! You and he are apparently on 
very good terms. 

CJiarlottc Yes; he pities me and I pity 
him. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 7 1 

Ellen. May the Lord take pity on us all ! 
I am sure we need it; but what special claim 
have you on pa's pity ? 

Charlotte. He is sorry for me because I 
have been deserted in such a shameful 
manner. 

Ellen. Do you refer to Edward's 

Charlotte. Yes. 

Ellen. He went away, to be sure, but he 
has come back. 

Charlotte. But not to stay. 

Ellen. There is where you are mistaken. 

Charlotte. No, I am not; he is going to 
elope with ma, and he came here to get her. 

Ellen. Merciful heaven ! it is too true ! 
She is mad ! Poor child ! {Breaks down, and, 
weepings leaves the room.) 

Charlotte. I see what is the matter, she 
thinks I am in love with Edward, and that 
disappointment has upset my wits. The idea 
of his running away with ma seems monstrous 
to everybody; and it is monstrous. If she 
persuaded him, as Mr. Talbot says she did, it 
is too awful to think of. It looks like it; she 
sent for him, she told me so herself. Oh, if I 
only couldn't believe it! Poor ma! how sea- 
sick she will be ! There, I am pitying her 
when I ought to feel angry. I wish I could 
find an excuse for her. Oh, I have it ! I have 



72 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

it ! How glad I am ! She's crazy, she's 
crazy! I must hurry home to take care of 
her; she may be taking a dose of poison this 
very minute. 

{Rims out L. Enter Smith R.) 

Smith. There she goes like a frightened 
partridge. I wonder if she saw me coming? 
I hope not, for then it would appear that she 
desires to avoid me. She is a kind-hearted 
little girl, and if she has made up her mind to 
refuse me, she may shrink from doing so in 
person, and prefer to write. But where are 
all the folks ? I was told at the Ramseys' 
that I would find them here. 

{Enter Talbot.) 

Talbot. Ah ! Mr. Smith. 

Smith. I suppose you are surprised to see 
me, Mr. Talbot ! I hope you are well, sir. 

Talbot {bitterly). Pardon me, Mr. Smith, 
but your inquiry is singularly inappropriate 
to the very happy circumstances in which I 
find myself. 

Smith. I have seen your son. 

Talbot. You must have been gratified; he 
is presenting a very edifying spectacle to all 
his friends. But no more of him. To what 
circumstance do I owe the pleasure of your 
visit ? 

Smith. I expected to meet Edward here. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 73 

Talbot. What, sir? Are you an accom- 
plice of his ? 

Smith. No, I appear in the character of a 
rival. 

Talbot. If you aspire to rival him, sir, I 
wonder that your friends permit you to re- 
main at large. 

Smith. Oh, I do not hope to equal him in 
everything". I am merely his rival in love. 

Talbot. Oh ! is that all ? I wish I had a 
straight jacket to lend you, for, damn me if 
you don't need one. 

Smith. Your conversation, Mr. Talbot, if 
not complimentary, is certainly not common- 
place. That last remark had a strong flavor 
of eccentricity about it. 

Talbot. Extraordinary topics give rise to 
unusual expressions. When you talk of being 
my son's rival in love, you naturally startle 
me into some vivacity of utterance. 

Smith. Is he such a ne phis ultra in love ? 

Talbot. If you can go beyond him then 
God help you, for you are past all human aid. 

Smith. I don't know what you are driving 
at, Mr. Talbot, but all I can say is, that I 
don't see anything so far out of the way in 
wishing to have Lotty Ramsey for a wife. 

Talbot {gives a prolonged whistle of sur- 
prise). And you are actually so far gone as 
to call that old creature Lotty. 



74 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Smith. She is not twenty. 

Talbot. She is fifty if she is a minute. 

Smith. Her mother may be. 

Talbot. Then you were speaking of 

Smith. The daughter, and you ? 

Talbot. Of the mother. She is going to 
elope with Edward. 

Smith. You are the victim of some strange 
delusion ; for she came here to get her daugh- 
ter to go over home so that Edward might 
propose to her. 

Talbot. A light begins to dawn upon me. 
I see ! I see ! He thought I wanted him to 
give up the daughter, and I was thinking of 
the mother. But what could Lotty mean ? It 
is very puzzling. {Enter Henshaw.) Ah, Gil- 
bert ! I am glad to see you back, for you do 
not deserve to suffer for the misdeeds of this 
day. 

Hens haw. You are now doing me the just- 
ice I am accustomed to from you. I have not 
come to plead for myself, however, but Ed- 
ward. 

Smith. Mr. Talbot seems to be laboring 
under some strange delusion with regard to 
him. 

Talbot. Yes, Gilbert, I must have been un- 
der a wrong impression about his motive for 
coming back. 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 75 

Henshaiv. His only motive in returning 
was to save me from the consequences of your 
anger by yielding to your wishes. 

Talbot. Why is he not with you ? 

Henshaiv. He thought I would succeed bet- 
ter in explaining matters without him, because 
his presence seemed to excite you. 

Talbot. His presence did excite me, be- 
lieving what I did. Gilbert, there is some- 
thing needs clearing up. {Absently.) If that 
little minx has been hoaxing me — no, no, that 
could not be ; her distress was real. 

Henshaiv. There is a mystery which, out of 
regard to Mrs. Ramsey's feelings, I am not 
permitted to know. 

Talbot. Is Edward in the secret ? 

HensJiaw. Yes, he and the ladies are in 
consultation about it. 

Talbot. Ah ! ha ! There is something in it, 
and I am determined to get at the bottom of it. 

{Enter Mrs. Ramsey, Charlotte, Ellen, and 
Edward.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. I hope, sir, I find you in a 
happier frame of mind than when I last saw 
you. 

Talbot. More tranquil, madame, but not 
much clearer. 

Ellen. Have you not explained to pa, Gil- 
bert ? 



76 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Henshaw. As far as my information went. 

Talbot. He has told me that Edward re- 
turned to save him ; but the most extraor- 
dinary circumstance of all he seems totally 
ignorant of. 

Ellen. Hush, pa ! That must not be talked 
about. 

Talbot. I will know. Lotty, what did you 
mean by telling me that 

Charlotte. Stop ! stop ! Mr. Talbot. If a 
lady tells you a thing in confidence, do you 
call it the part of a gentleman to publish it to 
the world ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. My daughter will tell you 
that she was laboring under a mistake. 

Charlotte. Yes, sir, it was a great big mis- 
take. 

Talbot. And yet you told me that your 
mother herself was the author of the story. 

Mrs. Ramsey. I was, but I also was in 
error, although I at the time believed it. 

Talbot. Edward, will you deny that you 
and Mrs. Ramsey intended to 

Edward. Yes, I do emphatically. I know 
what you refer to, and we never intended to 
do any such thing. 

Talbot. This is a miracle in a day of won- 
ders. Mrs. Ramsey's daughter comes to me 
in great distress, with a story which she gets 



TEMPER TEMPEST. yj 

from her mother's lips, inculpating herself and 
my son, and yet, although Mrs. Ramsey ad- 
mits telling the story, and at one time believ- 
ing it to be true, she now says it is not true, 
and my son corroborates her statement. 

Smith. Ed., you must prepare another 
statement. 

Mrs. Ramsey. Mr. Talbot, you have stated 
the fact as it is, and I now ask you, as a gen- 
tleman, never to allude to it again. 

Talbot. Well, well, let it pass. So, Edward, 
you have concluded to abandon art and attend 
to business. 

Edward. I submit myself entirely to your 
will in the matter. 

Talbot. That's hearty, young man ; I like 
it. There is another thing in your proceed- 
ings to-day which pleases me; you have shown 
more pluck and determination than I thought 
was in you ; and since you were willing to 
sacrifice so much for an ambition, I think I 
will help you to accomplish what you have set 
your heart upon. Gilbert and I will attend to 
business, and you can go to Italy. 

Edward. My dear father, how can I thank 
you enough ? 

Smith. Now, Ed., since your affairs are 
arranged with your father, let us settle our 
accounts. I must take the train this evening, 
and have not much time to spare. 



yS TEMPER TEMPEST. 

Edward. I would have preferred a less 
public occasion ; but you have claims upon me 
which I cannot resist. Charlotte, you must 
decide it for us. I now make the same propo- 
sition to you that Harry did this morning-. 

Talbot. This time, Edward, I do not say 
give her up, but hope she will accept you. 
What do you say, Lotty ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. I join with you in your wish. 
My child, it would please me exceedingly if 
you could give him a favorable answer. 

Smith. Mrs. Ramsey, is that honor bright ? 

Mrs. Ramsey. I am not asking her to re- 
lease you. 

Smith. I see you are a strict construction- 
ist. Come, Lotty, put us two poor devils out 
of pain. 

Ellen {goes to Charlotte, and kisses her). 
Charlotte, I would be delighted to have you 
for a sister. 

Henshaw. And so would I. 

Ellen. Don't expose yourself, you foolish 
fellow. 

Talbot. Gilbert is right ; he will be one of 
the family before long. But what ails the 
girl ? Why don't she speak ? 

Charlotte {stands apparently in deep medita- 
tion; all look inquiringly at her). I have been 
thinking. Edward, I suppose you are going 



TEMPER TEMPEST. 79 

to Italy now that your father has given you 
permission. 

Edward. Certainly. 

Charlotte. Then I must say no. 

Smith. Hurra ! I have won. 

Edward. Charlotte, may you never feel the 
pang that little word can give. For the sec- 
ond time to-day I say farewell. {Turns to go. 
Edward turns round and looks at Charlotte, 
waiting for her answer.) 

Mrs. Ramsey. Child, child ! See what you 
are doing! Why do you refuse him ? 

Charlotte. I would be afraid of his mother- 
in-law ; that is, if he devotes himself to art. 

Talbot. Ah, ha ! I knew there was some- 
thing in it. 

Charlotte. Besides, I don't want my hus- 
band to spend most of his time with naked 
models. 

Talbot. Quite right, Lotty ! You are a 
sensible girl. 

Smith {advancing to Charlotte). Take me, 
Lotty. I won't even go to see the Venus di 
Medici. I will be a model myself — that is, a 
model husband. 

Charlotte. I believe, Harry, that your wife 
will be a happy woman, but I will not be 
your wife. 

Smith {suddenly puts his hand to his heart, 



80 TEMPER TEMPEST. 

changes the action by taking out his watch and 
looking at if). It is near train time ; I must 
be off. {Goes out.) 

Edward {who has been standing, lost hi 
thought). A thought strikes me. Charlotte, 
suppose I abandon art ; what would you say- 
to me then ? 

Charlotte {archly). Ask mamma. 

Edivard {taking Charlotte by the hand, and 
leading her in front of Mrs. Ramsey). What 
do you say, mamma? 

Mrs. Ramsey. Bless you, my children. 

Talbot. So art yields to heart. It is the 
fable of the sun and wind over again ; a pair 
of bright eyes has succeeded where a temper 
tempest failed. 



NiR. REYNOLDS 



RUNS FOR CONGRESS, 



A COMEDY. 



By FRANCIS GELLATLY. 




Copyright, 1874, 
By FRANCIS GELLATLY. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 



PERSONS REPRESENTED: 

Mr. Reynolds, a retired merchant, who engages in politics 
to occupy the time which hangs heavy on his hands. 
Miss Reynolds, his sister — Aunt Susan. 
Julia, his daughter. 

Mr. Hastings, ) , . , , . . , . , 

„ - his nephews and intimate friends. 

Mr. Rivers, ) 

Mr. Barker, friend of Reynolds. 

Nelly, his daughter. 

Mr. Bockbremmer, proprietor of a lager beer garden, a 

German politician. 

Johnny Muldoon, a political striker. 

Policeman. 



ACT I. 

{Room in Mr. Reynolds house. Mr. Reynolds 
reading newspaper ; Jtilia at piano, turning 
over some leaves of music.) 

Julia. Papa, dear, where have you been all 
day ? 

Reynolds. Down town, my love. 

Julia {turning round). What's going on 
there to need your presence ? I thought you 
had given up down town. 

Reynolds. I find, my love, that the habits 



4 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

of a lifetime are not easily abandoned, even 
when the attempt to do so is made with a 
view to increase one's happiness. Business 
still has its charms for me. 

Julia. Stocks and 'change must indeed 
have a strange fascination when they can re- 
concile you to the noise and dirt of that odious 
down town, especially 

Reynolds. When I have such a charming 
daughter to attract me to my home. But you 
see, Julia, a man of business 

Julia. Often makes a slave of himself, and 
forgets, in the pursuit of wealth, everything 
that makes it really desirable. 

Reynolds. What a little Solomon you are ! 
And you are arrayed like him, though you 
neither toil nor spin. 

Jtdia. Spin indeed ! No, no. I have not 
any desire be a spinster. 

Reynolds. Ha! ha! So you are already 
thinking of the time when you will leave your 
old father. 

Jnlia. How can you say that ? You see I 
don't wish to be away from you, for I don't 
even want you to go down town. 

Reynolds. Well, Julia, I will not talk about 
it if it is disagreeable to you ; but I can't help 
thinking of it now and then. I am growing 
old, my love, and in the natural course of 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 5 

things it will not be long before I must leave 
you. 

Julia. How sad you make me feel, pa. 
Life seems bright and joyous to me ; but your 
words make it appear wicked in me to be so 
glad when you are oppressed by such gloomy 
thoughts. 

Reynolds. May you always feel glad, my 
love. The world would be a doleful place if 
the children went about weeping and crying 
all the time because their parents were dead 
or might die. Why, my dear, you seem to 
forget that I have neither father nor mother 
myself. The earth is filled with just such 
gray-haired orphans as I am. 

Julia {advancing and kissing him on the 
forehead). What a dear, ridiculous old pa 
you are ! 

{Enter Miss Reynolds?) 

Aunt Susan. Here, brother, I want you to 
look over these bills. {Hands Jiim some ac- 
counts ; Reynolds takes them.) 

Reynolds. I'll take them into the library 
and examine them there. {Goes out L.) 

Julia. By the way, aunt Susan, have you 
noticed anything peculiar about pa lately? 

Aunt Susan. Now that you mention it, I 
do think that I have noticed him to be rather 
out of spirits for some time back. 



6 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Julia. Since he has been out of business 
he seems to weary for want of something to 
do. 

Aunt Susan. Very likely; but I have no 
time to amuse him. I have as much as I can 
attend to looking after you and the house 
here. 

Julia. That you have, aunt; but I must not 
be so thoughtless any more. I will try and 
take some of the load off your shoulders. 

Aunt Susan. Never mind me, my dear. I 
like it. It will be time enough for you to 
worry about such matters when you are mar- 
ried and have a house of your own. 

Julia. There, that's the second time I've 
been talked to about getting married this 
evening. You and pa must be anxious to get 
rid of me. I'm sure I have no thought of get- 
ting married. 

Aunt Susan. And I have no desire to put it 
in your head, my dear. It is a thought that 
comes soon enough to young girls without 
being suggested to them. They little know 
when they are well off, or they would not be 
in such a hurry about it. 

Julia. Oh, fie ! aunt. How can you say 
that? You were a young girl once yourself, 
you know. 

Aunt Susan. Too well I remember it, and 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 7 

I suppose I was just as foolish as the rest of 
you in those days ; but I was not a pretty 
young girl like you, and for that reason es- 
caped many of the temptations which may 
come in your way. 

{Servant announces Hastings and Rivers}) 

Julia. I suppose they are two of the temp- 
tations you allude to. 

{Enter Hastings and Rivers}) 

Hastings. Good evening, fair cousin and 
my good aunt. 

Julia. And how do the gallant Hastings 
and the noble Rivers ? 

Rivers. I feel as great and happy as a 
newly fledged graduate should. 

Hastings. And I as distinguished as any 
foreign count. 

Julia. Oh, yes ! You count a good deal 
on the distinction of your foreign travel. 
( They sit down.) 

Aunt Susan. I will leave you, Julia, to en- 
tertain these young gentlemen while I go to 
prayer meeting. {She goes out C.) 

Hastings. It is a long time, cousin, since I 
have had this pleasure. 

Julia. What pleasure ? 

Hastings. The pleasure of seeing you. 

Julia. You call it pleasure ? 

Rivers. I give it a nobler name. I call it 
happiness. 



8 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Julia. To change the subject, tell us what 
you have seen during the last year, Fred. 

Rivers. I beg of you don't start him off on 
his travels. He'll never stop. His tongue has 
actually worn some of the enamel off his 
teeth with its perpetual motion in telling of 
his adventures. 

Hastings. Jealousy, nothing but jealousy, 
causes him to speak so. 

Julia. I suppose you think your descrip- 
tions quite vivid and interesting. 

Rivers. Oh, yes ! He'll make you seasick 
with the account of his voyage, and dizzy with 
his ascent of Mont Blanc. 

Julia. Did he really go up Mont Blanc ? 
How did it look, Fred ? 

Rivers. White, of course. The prospect 
was quite blank, in fact. 

Julia {laughing). Never mind him, Fred ; 
tell me all about it. 

Hastings. Well, you see, I rigged myself 
out like a regular mountaineer, Alpine stock 
and all. 

Rivers. He looked, with his knee breeches, 
gray stockings, and hob-nailed shoes for all 
the world like an Irishman at Donnybrook 
Fair. 

Julia. Come, Tom, it is hardly fair to make 
fun of a man who has occupied such a romantic 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 9 

position. I have no doubt the little shepherd- 
esses felt like making love to him. 

Hastings. Well, as I was going to say, 
when he interrupted me, the morning we made 
the ascent, we started at the 

Rivers. The bottom of the hill, of course; 
for you see if he had started at the top it 
would have been a descent. 

Julia. Quite right, Tom, it is easy to be 
seen that you know something about climbing. 

Hastings. Shall I go on ? 

Rivers. Oh, yes ! go on or you'll never get 
to the top. 

Julia. Besides, if he stops too long he 
might freeze to death on the way. I under- 
stand it is very cold on Mont Blanc. 

Hastings {laughing). I declare, Julia, you 
are as bad as he is. 

Rivers. That is not saying much against 
her, for I am very good. 

Hastings. A truly pious young creature. 

Jnlia. Never mind, Fred, you can finish 
your story some other time when he is not 
present, and as a sort of reward for your pa- 
tience under trial, I will sing for you the little 
song you composed before you went away. 
{Goes to piano and sits down to sing.) 

Hastings. You have actually set my words 
to music ! 



IO MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Rivers. I don't wonder you are astonished; 
for if she can find music in your words, it will 
not be long before she discovers perpetual 
motion. 

Julia. I have discovered that already in 
your tongue. 

Hastings. I hope you feel better, Rivers. 
( They go to piano and stand one on each side of 
Julia. She sings:) 

I do not blush to own, my sweet, 
My heart is filled with sorrow, 

To think again we only meet 
To say good bye, to-morrow. 

Good bye for many a weary day; 

Perhaps for life to sever, 
Alas ! for me ! I cannot say 

It's not good bye forever. 

Yet, while I sing my little song, 
And breathe my soul in sorrow, 

Hope whispers we will meet ere long, 
Although we part to-morrow. 

( While Julia is singing, enter R, Nellie and 
Barker; they stand at door listening when she 
stops.) 

Barker. Bravo ! bravo ! Well done. {Clap- 
ping his hands.) 

Julia (turning round.) Good evening ! How 
quietly you come in; I am glad you have come, 
for pa is feeling quite blue to-night. You 
must try and cheer him up. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. II 

Barker. Where is he ? » 

Julia. In the library. 

Barker. I'll step in and see what is the 
matter with him. ( While Julia is talking to 
Barker, Hastings and Rivers approach Nelly, 
and go apart conversing with Jier ; when Bar- 
ker goes in library to the left, Julia approaches 
Nelly and says :) 

Julia. Come, Nelly, take off your things. 
{She takes her hat and shawl, and lays them on 
the piano. They seat themselves.) 

Nelly. And so, Mr. Hastings, you have been 
abroad ! 

Rivers. Oh, yes ! he has been abroad, and 
now he is disposed to take a narrow view of 
everything in America. 

Julia. It is not much of a distinction now- 
adays. 

Rivers. It is a great deal more of a dis- 
tinction to remain at home. 

Hastings. Then, of course, you are all 
more distinguished people than I am. 

Julia. Oh I oh ! "] 

Nelly. Oh ! oh ! \ together. 

Rivers. Oh ! oh ! J 

Julia. It is really amusing how these trav- 
eled people advertise the fact on every occa- 
sion. I happened to remark the other day to 
Mrs. Jones that her daughter Amelia had 



12 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

grown very rapidly, when she replied: "Yes, 
when we were abroad, I had to take a tuck 
out of her dress at Milan, another at Verona, 
another at Venice, and by the time we got to 
Vienna, the child was positively gigantic ! 
You would scarcely believe it." 

Rivers. If I believed it at all, I would be- 
lieve it — scarcely. Your story puts me in 
mind of a conversation I heard between Jones 
and Felix McSpalpeen, whose father was 
driven from his ancestral estates in the old 
country by 

Nelly. Political troubles ? 

Rivers. No, by a distress for rent ; he 
afterward made a fortune. 

Nelly Abroad ! 

Julia. Abroad 

Rivers. No, here ; America is broad enough 
for any live man. Well, to go on with my 
story, says Felix to Jones, " When I was abroad, 
I enjoyed everything tip top, but nothing so 
much as a ham sandwich I once eat at Jerusa- 
lem." " Oh, " says Jones, " that's like my drink- 
ing wine at Mecca." 

Julia. Shades of Moses and Mahomet ! 
Pork in Jerusalem and wine in Mecca ! 

Hastings. McSpalpeen and Jones must 
have experienced a very recherche feeling of 
iniquity under the circumstances. 



[■ together. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 1 3 

{Enter Barker and Reynolds conversing^) 

Barker. You say you have no mind for 
books; suppose you try politics. There is 
plenty of room for the action of respectable 
men in the management of our public affairs. 

Julia. Mr. Barker, what are you saying to 
pa ? 

Barker. I am advising him to take the role 
of a politician. 

Hastings. I would rather take a breakfast 
roll. 

Rivers. Or a roll in the dirt. 

Julia. What do you mean by the role of a 
politician ? 

Reynolds. I am going to interest myself in 
public affairs, my dear; pull wires and all that. 

Julia. Pull wires ! What has that to do 
with public affairs ? 

Nelly. He means telegraph wires, I sup- 
pose. 

Hastings. Something more shocking. 

Rivers. And a good deal worse for the 
nerves, considering the amount of bad whiskey 
he will have to drink. 

Hastings. And then how his lungs will 
suffer ; he will have to spout so. 

Julia. Spout, Fred ! What do you mean ? 
Pa's not a whale. 

Rivers. He might as well be ; for a politi- 



14 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

cian is a monster and swallows everything that 
comes in his way. Jonah would have stayed 
down if he had got into a politician's stomach. 

Barker. Not so fast, young gentlemen; in 
politics we find 

Hastings. Men without principle. 

Rivers. And women without shame. 

Reynolds. Dear me, what a hubbub you are 
making. 

Hastings. Not half as much as you will be 
expected to make when you get on the stump. 

Julia. What would pa do on the stump ? 

Rivers. Cut stick for office. 

Hastings. And endeavor to make block- 
heads of his opponents. 

Reynolds. An endeavor which you are now 
confining to yourselves, my precious nephews. 
You forget that in politics we meet with 
many men of 

Rivers. All nations. 

Hastings. Irishmen. 

Rivers. Dutchmen. 

Hastings. Chinamen. 

Rivers. And Ben Butlers. 

Julia. Stop your racket and let us hear 
what Mr. Barker has to say about this. You 
bewilder me with your noise. 

Barker. There is a good deal of truth and 
some exaggeration in what these young gen- 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 1 5 

tlemen say ; but if they spoke the literal 
truth, it would furnish a good reason for men 
like your father to engage in politics for the 
purpose of taking the management of public 
affairs out of the hands of such people. 

Nelly. He would have to go to mass meet- 
ings, and all such things, and be out till, morn- 
ing. 

Julia. Oh, pa, don't ! you would ruin your 
health. 

Reynolds. Never fear, I will take care of 
my health. The excitement would do me 
good. 

Julia. What sort of a thing is a mass 
meeting ? 

Reynolds. It is a meeting where the masses 
of the sovereign people meet to discuss and 
decide upon what is best for them in their 
public policy. 

Rivers. Well done, uncle, the very idea of 
being a politician seems to have given you 
some of their cant already. It is a good joke 
to say that the people discuss and decide for 
themselves. It is all cut and dried for them 
before they get there. 

Julia. What's cut and dried ? Do they 
have anything to eat at these meetings ? 

Rivers. Yes, they have a good deal of 
tongue; some people call it lip; gab would be 
a good name for it. 



16 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Julia. Come, tell us all about it. 

Barker. Suppose, young gentlemen, that we 
have a game of mass meeting, to show these 
young ladies how they are managed. 

Rivers {rising and rapping table in center 
of room). A capital idea ! I call this meet- 
ing to order and nominate our esteemed fel- 
low-citizen, Mr. Barker, for chairman. 

Hastings {rising). I second that motion. 

Rivers. It is moved and seconded that 
Mr. Barker be chairman of this meeting. All 
those in favor of that motion will please say 
"aye." Contrary, " no." {All shout " aye" ; the 
young ladies clapping their hands.) The ayes 
have it. 

Julia. Of course, the eyes must be twice 
as many as the nose. 

Hastings. Yes; they are always two to one. 

Nelly. Sometimes two to none; for I have 
seen a man without a nose. 

Julia. Suppose he had only one eye. 

Hastings. In that case we would both be 
wrong. 

Rivers {rapping table). Order, gentlemen ! 
Order ! Will Mr. Barker please take the 
chair. {Barker advances to table. Rivers sits 
down.) 

Barker, Fel-low-cit-i-zens 

Julia. I'm not a fellow. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 1 7 

Nelly. And they won't let us be citizens. 

Hastings. Order ! Put him out ! 

Barker. I was going to remark, before the 
interruption took place, that I cannot find 
words to express the deep sense of my obli- 
gation to you for this distinguished honor. 

Julia. Don't look for them, then. 

Rivers. Dry up, there ! 

Barker. The occasion upon which we have 
met is one of great, is one 

Nelly. Don't tell us that any more, we know 
it isn't two. 

Barker. The occasion* gentlemen, is one 
which affords me intense satisfaction, for we 
have met to ratify the nomination of our dis- 
tinguished fellow-citizen, Henry Reynolds, as 
our candidate for Congress. He is a man, gen- 
tlemen, a man 

All. We never thought he was a woman. 

Barker. He is a man whom some of us 
have known from our infancy. 

Julia. I am certain that I have. 

Rivers. That's true ; he was very essential 
to your infancy. 

Barker. And the longer we have known 
him the better we have liked him. He will do 
honor to any position which the suffrages of 
his fellow-citizens may place him in. Need I 
say more, gentlemen ? 



1 8 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

All. Oh, no ! sit down. 

Barker. I see that the audience is rather 
impatient, and I will conclude with these few 
remarks. We will now hear & from Mr. Rivers. 

Rivers {rising). Fellow-citizens, I rise to 
add my feeble mite 

Hastings. That's the cheese. 

Julia. Cheese mite, did he say ? 

Nelly. He must be a man of might. 

Barker. Order there ! Order ! . 

Rivers. I would contribute my feeble mite 
in support of our candidate. Gentlemen, in 
those dark days when — when 

Nelly. The weather is cloudy. 

Julia. We generally expect rain. 

Barker {rapping table). Order there ! Or- 
der ! 

Rivers. I repeat, gentlemen, in those dark 
days when the sun of truth was hid beneath a 
cloud of misrepresentation, we naturally turned 
for light to the beacons of principle only to be 
found in our party. {Applause.) Principles 
which I can say, principles, gentlemen, which 
I can truly say 

Julia. Why don't you say it, then ? 

Nelly. Don't say it if you can't speak the 
truth. 

Barker. Order ! Order ! 

Rivers. Principles, I say, Avhich animate 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 19 

with hope every poor creature pining in the 
dungeons of despotism. {Hastings, Reynolds, 
Barker, "hurra! hurra! hi! hi! " the ladies clap 
their hands.) Nay, I will go further, and say 
that they cause every tyrant on this broad 
earth to tremble on his throne. (Great ap- 
plause.) Yes, gentlemen, when the lightning 
shall flash along the wires your action to- 
night, it will give the regions of despotism a 
shock which will make them rock as if shaken 
by an earthquake. The voice of freemen re- 
sounding over the earth is more terrible to 
tyrants than the roar of the lion in his native 
deserts. {Cheering.) The electors of this 
district will arise to-morrow with the proud 
consciousness of having done their duty re- 
gardless of consequences, and when they look 
each other in the eye they will experience that 
electric thrill so peculiar and so dear to free- 
men. ("Bully boy! hi! hi! z7 ") These things 
being so, and not otherwise, as may be made 
manifest to the meanest capacity, is it not 
clearly our duty to rally round our standard 
and bear aloft our flag till every nation and 
continent and little isle of the sea shall repose 
under its ample folds ? (Great applause.) Have 
I not demonstrated that our opponents are 
not to be trusted ? Do you not feel, as I do, in 
the very marrow of your bones, that they are 
12 



20 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

the enemies of their country ? (" Thafs the 
talk; sail in") Then let us not falter nor 
waver, nor turn back from the plough, but, 
under the leadership of our noble candidate, 
march onward to victory, or, nobly fighting, 
fall. {Great cheering, clapping of hands, etc., 
amidst which enter Aunt Susan R, who holds 
up her hands in astonishment, when quiet is 
restored.) 

Aunt Susan. What is the meaning of all 
this racket ? 

Julia. Oh ! Aunt Susan, we are having a 
mass meeting; pa is going to run for Congress. 

Aunt Susan. If that is the case, you had 
better all be on your knees praying for him 
instead of making this unseemly noise. 

Rivers. Politicians are usually past praying 
for. 

Aunt Susan. My young friend, have you 
ever tried the power of prayer ? 

Reynolds. Why, sister, you are unusually 
serious to-night. 

Aunt Susan. And well I may be. I have 
been talking with sister Smith about the Chi- 
nese mission. You know that there are a 
great many Chinese in America already, and 
more are coming, and it's awful to think that 
they are all heathens. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 21 

Nelly. They seem to be a harmless sort of 
people from all accounts. 

Julia. Perhaps Aunt Susan thinks that they 
might have a bad effect on Young America. 

Aunt Susan. I was thinking of the poor 
creatures' souls, but now that you mention it 
the sight of their idol-worshipping, heathen- 
ish ways must have a bad effect on the young 
people of California. I think Congress might 
do something to remedy the evil. 

Barker. By preventing them from coming 
into the country, you mean? 

Aunt Susan. Oh, no! That may be a dis- 
pensation of Providence to bring about their 
conversion. I was thinking that Congress 
might make a law to put down their idol wor- 
ship. 

Rivers. Congress is not the body to do 
that; the members all worship the golden 
calf. 

Julia. Why don't Congress put down the 
Mormons ? 

Aunt Susan. Sure enough; it does seem as 
if there was little prospect of Congress doing 
anything in that way. 

Nelly. These things will never be put 
down till women vote. 

Hastings. Do you think women would be 
likely to vote against Mormonism ? They say 



22 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

that most women would rather have part of a 
husband than none at all. 

Nelly. Oh, that's a vile joke of the men. I 
am sure that I would rather have no husband 
at all than share him with anybody else. 

Julia. If pa went to Congress he might 
bring the matter up, and have something 
done about it. 

Aunt Susan. True; the thought reconciles 
me to his mixing in politics. O brother, 
think ! you might do some good for the cause 
of religion if you were in Congress. My mind 
is greatly exercised about those poor, igno- 
rant heathens. 

Reynolds. So you think I may become a 
missionary to the heathen by going to Con- 
gress ? 

Rivers. According to all accounts they are 
a pretty heathenish set. 

Barker. You see, Reynolds, everything 
seems to favor my idea. You must run for 
Congress. {Rising and rapping the table.) 
As there is no other business before this 
meeting I move that we do now adjourn. 
All in favor of this please say " aye." {All 
shout " aye" and immediately begin leave 
taking?) 

END OF ACT I. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 23 

ACT II. 

{Reynolds house, the same as last act. Enter 
Aunt Susan, dressed for the street. Rey- 
nolds seated, reading paper.) 
Aunt Susan. Brother, let me have your 
purse. {Reynolds gives her purse}) Why, how 
dismal you look ! Are you not well ? 

Reynolds. I am not well either in body or 
mind. I have not had a minute's peace since 
that confounded nomination for Congress. If 
it were not for sheer shame I would resign my 
candidacy. 

Aunt Susan. I know you have a great deal 
to worry you, but think what you might ac- 
complish if you succeed. 

Reynolds. I see you are thinking of your 
pigtailed friends, the Chinese. 

Aunt Susan. O brother, remember they 
are God's creatures. 

Reynolds {zvith asperity). Do you mean to 
tell me that he made such looking wretches 
as they are ? Do you think that they were 
born with pigtails ? 

Aunt Susan. Brother, brother, you forget 
yourself in talking so lightly of pigtails. 
Those very pigtails are a heathenish observ- 
ance, and proclaim the lost condition of their 
souls. 



24 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Reynolds. If you think I am running for 
Congress for the purpose of finding their lost 
souls, you are very much mistaken. I would 
not again go through my last three weeks' 
experience if by so doing I could tie a soul to 
every pigtail in China. 

Aunt Susan. Brother, if you will be brutal 
I beg of you don't be blasphemous. Your 
remarks are positively devilish. 

Reynolds. Who wouldn't be devilish in the 
pandemonium of politics ! It is a perfect hell 
upon earth, and when you are in hell you 
must do as the devils do, in self-defense. 

Aunt Susan. You shock me, brother ; you 
are, indeed, greatly changed. 

Reynolds. I believe you. I hardly know 
myself. I used to think that I had some ideas 
of my own, and had the right to express them. 
But it seems my duty now is to try and im- 
agine what everybody else thinks, and say 
that to the person who thinks it, and deny it 
to all others. The father of lies himself might 
be proud to have a politician for a son. 

Aunt Susan. You are certainly talking just 
now like one of his children. I would not 
have expected it from a man of your prin- 
ciples. 

Reynolds. Which of my principles do you 
refer to ? For if there is any question of 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 25 

morals or religion about which men may dif- 
fer, I am on both sides of it — either, as occasion 
may require. Chameleon-like, I am expected 
to take the color of everything I come in con- 
tact with, and the more desperate my struggle 
for political existence becomes, the more rapid 
will be my changes, and, like a dying dolphin, 
I'll vary my hue with every gasp. 

Aunt Susan. You are certainly going head- 
long to perdition. You had better give up the 
attempt to be elected. 

Reynolds. Give up my candidacy, and be 
the laughing stock of all the city ! Besides, I 
am attacked on every side; my blood is up, 
and I intend to fight it out. {Enter Julia.) 
Here, Julia, read these extracts from the morn- 
ing papers. {Gives her paper and points out 
paragraph.) 

Aunt Susan. Brother, brother, I do wish 
you would cut loose from these vile politics. 

Reynolds. And lose the chance of having 
your pigtailed friends clipped ? 

Julia. This is too bad. {Reads.) "Amus- 
ing. It seems that that mild mediocrity, 
Henry Reynolds (wry nose, the boys call him) 
is running for Congress on what may be termed 
Chinese-pigtail-missionary principles. It is 
said that he intends if elected to bring in a bill 
for the abolition of pigtails among our Chi- 



26 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

nese fellow citizens. We understand that 
some old granny has persuaded him that the 
safety of their souls demands this hirsute sac- 
rifice. He is even willing to advocate a gen- 
eral war against the entire Mongolian race all 
over the world to accomplish this tonsorial 
amendment. Incredible as it may appear, we 
know this to be a fact, and it proves that the 
poor creature is more fit for a lunatic asylum 
than a legislative assembly. Do the electors 
of this district wish to be represented by a 
madman ? Well may we say, thereby hangs a 
tail." 

Reynolds. There, Susan, you see how your 
views strike the general public. 

Aunt Susan. The person who wrote that 
seems to be a scurrilous creature. 

Reynolds. He has used an argument which 
must be very convincing with you to prove the 
truth of your assertion. He has called you an 
old granny. 

Julia. It is wonderful how they find out 
everything, these newspaper men. 

Aunt Susan. Yes, they have even discov- 
ered the crook in your father's nose. 

Reynolds. I see he has cut pretty deep, 
Susan. You wished me to stop running. Do 
you think that men who call you old granny 
and me wry nose should be allowed to tri- 
umph ? 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 2J 

Aunt Susan. I do think their insolence 
should be punished. 

Julia. Pa, the best way to punish them is 
to be elected in spite of them. 

Aunt Susan. Yes; brother owes it to his 
family to show them that he is not the imbe- 
cile they would make out. 

Reynolds. And to vindicate the pigtail- 
missionary principles of his old-granny ad- 
viser. 

Aunt Susan. I'll not stay and listen to your 
nonsense any longer. I've got something 
better to do. {Goes out R.) 
{Servant announces Rivers, who immediately 
enters R.) 

Rivers. Good morning to you all. How 
goes the war, uncle? 

Reynolds. Not so well as I would like, al- 
though I am determined to continue the fight. 

Julia. These abominable papers are abus- 
ing pa all the time. 

Rivers. That's part of the fun ; I enjoy 
the whole thing amazingly. I have been 
round to several lager beer gardens this morn- 
ing, already, taking care of our German vote. 
I have brought a pretzel for you, Julia. {Pre- 
senting it to her.) Upon such meat doth this 
our German feed. 

Julia {shrinking back). Keep away from 



28 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

me; you smell fearfully. When you entered, 
I thought somebody had rolled a barrel of 
beer into the room. 

Rivers. You ought to like the smell, for beer 
and ballots go together. I hope that we will 
smell a good deal of lager round the polls on 
election day, for that's the odor of victory in 
this contest. 

Reynolds. I suppose you think that pretzels 
and pretty girls go together, too. 

Rivers. I confess I thought of one when I 
got this [looking at Julia). 

Julia. You need not look at me; I don't 
take that as a compliment. 

Reynolds. Of course he didn't mean you. 
He was thinking of the fraulein who gave it to 
him. 

Julia. Oh, the wretch ! 

Reynolds. Tom, have you brought anything 
from your German friends besides the pretzel ? 

Rivers. Yes ; I have come to prepare you 
for the visit of a proprietor of one of the lager 
beer gardens who is interesting himself very 
much in your behalf. He will be here in a few 
minutes. 

{Servant announces Mr. Bockbremmer, who 
conies in) 

Bockbremmer. Ah ! my goot friend Riffers, 
you haf come quicker as I. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 29 

Rivers. Mr. Bockbremmer, let me make you 
acquainted with Mr. Reynolds. 

Bockbremmer {shaking hands zvitJi Reynolds). 
I am prout to know you, Mr. Rennolts. I come 
as one of your Sherman frients to make my 
gompliment to our worty candidate. 

Reynolds. I am glad to see you and your 
friends, Mr. Bockbremmer, at all times. The 
more the better. 

Bockbremmer. Ha! ha! Shoost so; de 
more de better, the more Shermans de more 
wotes. Ish dat not recht, Mr. Riffers ? 

Rivers. I have been telling Mr. Reynolds 
something of the kind. 

Julia. Mr. Rivers is a great admirer of the 
Germans, Mr. Bockbremmer. He likes their 
lager and 

Bockbremmer. Ha ! ha ! I know vat you 
voot say — de frauleins, de girlz, I mean ; he 
electioneer forst-rate mit dem. You shoot 
see him tance at a Sherman ball. Oh, yes ! he 
make a goot candidate mit de girlz. 

Reynolds. You think he is quite frisky ? 

Bockbremmer. Oh, no ! not viskey. He like 
more de lager. He holt a goot deal. 

Jnlia. I never knew you were a man of 
great capacity before, Tom. 

Reynolds. I did not mean that he liked 
whiskey, Mr. Bockbremmer. I wished to say 



30 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

that he was fond of jumping about; lively, you 
know. 

Bockbremmer. Shump apout ! Lifely ! You 
pet ! He shump apout like a shicken mitout 
his het, when he git mit de girlz and de lager. 

Rivers {aside). Confound his beery stupid- 
ity ! 

Julia. It is very easy to be seen why he is 
so fond of electioneering, Mr. Bockbremmer. 

Reynolds. Mr. Rivers is very fond of the 
Germans. 

Bockbremmer. Ven he come to me I fint 
him a goot vif from de Shermans. 

Julia. Then, Tom, you would have plenty 
of pretzels and lager. 

Bockbremmer. Ha! ha! And Limburger 
and saur kraut. How you like it, Mr. Riffers ? 
Goot, eh ! But I lose time mit all dis fun. I 
haf some leetle pizness mit you, Mr. Rennolts. 

Reynolds. What can I do for you ? 

Bockbremmer. I want you to do pizness for 
yourself as veil as I. You shoost come rount 
to my garten Suntay afternoon. I introtooce 
you to a goot many Sherman voters ; den you 
get de wotes, and I get de customers vat come 
to see de candidate. In dat vay ve kill a birt 
mit two stones. 

Reynolds. I shall be most happy to come 
round, but would some other day not do as 
well ? 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 3 1 

Bockbrcmmer. In von particulars it voot 
be petter some veek day, for a shurch is near 
my garten, and ven dem peoples sing- dey 
howl so dat dey spoil my musick. I most try 
some vay to shtop de nuisance. You help 
me do dat ven you shall be elected, Mr. Ren- 
nolts? 

Rivers {laughing). You don't like church 
music, Bock? 

Bockbremmer. Music ! Such tarn howling 
ish not music. But ve can't help it. You 
most come Suntay, Mr. Rennolts, for den de 
Shermans most enshoy demselves in de gar- 
tens. You see more peoples den. 

Reynolds. Well, then, I will be round at 
your place next Sunday. 

Bockbremmer. Tanks ! Ve shall gif you a 
goot reception. Miss Rennolts shall come too, 
eh ! and see de Sherman frauleins ? 

Julia. Thank you, Mr. Bockbremmer; I 
shall be engaged next Sunday. 

Bockbremmer. You see your beau den, eh ; 
American girlz do dat, I pelief. It ish a free 
country; effery von shall do vat he like. Goot 
morning. {Goes out.) 

Julia. Pa, how could you promise to go to 
a lager beer garden to electioneer on Sunday? 
It is bad enough on week days. 

Reynolds. How can I help it, my dear? 
The necessity of my situation demands it. 



32 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Rivers. Expediency is the golden rule of 
the politician, which your father must follow. 

Reynolds. I am afraid it is too true; and 
after dishonoring myself to accomplish my 
election, I will receive the title of honorable 
if I succeed. 

Julia. But — oh, dear! it is too bad. I 
wish it had not happened. There is one con- 
solation, however; the election will soon be 
over. 

{Enter Barker R.) 

Barker. Good morning to you all. You 
seem to be in consultation. 

Reynolds. We have been talking about a 
visit we have just received from a Mr. Bock- 
bremmer. 

Barker. Bockbremmer is an influential man 
among his countrymen. 

Julia. And he says that Mr. Tom election- 
eers " forst-rate mit de girlz." 

Barker. I think I would like the fun my- 
self. You are in luck, Reynolds, to have Bock- 
bremmer and Tom active in your behalf. I 
have heard of them in a good many quarters. 
By the way, I have called on election business 
myself. The superintendent of our Sunday 
school desired me to call and ask you to come 
round and say a few words to the children 
next Sunday. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 33 

Reynolds. Don't ask me. I am not good at 
that sort of thing. 

Barker. Never mind that, you know you 
are a candidate for Congress, and it will please 
the parents of the children. It may get you 
some votes. 

Reynolds. I think a politician in a Sunday 
school would be like the serpent in the Garden 
of Eden. 

Julia. With this difference ; that you will 
smell of lager. 

Rivers. True ; it does not appear from the 
account that Eve's betrayer was in the habit 
of drinking beer. 

Barker. What are you talking about ? 
What is going to make you smell of beer, 
Reynolds ? 

Rivers. Beer. 

Barker. But he needn't drink any. 

Reynolds. But I must. 

Julia. He can't help himself. 

Reynolds. Confound this infernal politics. 
I have had to blush for myself twenty times a 
day since I have been nominated. The fact is, 
Barker, I promised to go round to this Bock- 
bremmer's garden next Sunday to meet my 
German friends, as they are called. 

Barker. Well, I am sorry, but I suppose it 
can't be helped. 



34 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Julia. What excuse can pa make for not 
going ? 

Barker. Oh, I will just tell them that he 
has a previous engagement. They will take 
it for granted that it is another of the same 
kind. 

Reynolds. We are setting a nice example 
before these young people. 

Barker. Never mind. You must beat the 
rascal you are running against. 

Reynolds. Even if I should act like a rascal 
to do it ? 

Barker. Answer your own conundrums ; I 
must be off. I have an appointment to keep, 
and I am rather late. 

Reynolds. I will go with you. Come, Tom, 
let us go'round to the committee room. {They 

gO OUt R.) 

Julia. I will be glad when the election is 
over. 

{Enter Aunt Susan R, dressed as site was 
iv hen she went out.) 

Aunt Susan. I met Hastings in the street 
just now ; he says he is coming round to see 
you. 

Julia. He must think his visit of some con- 
sequence, to proclaim it in advance. 

Aunt Susan. I am out of patience with you, 
Julia ; you are trifling with that young man's, 
feelings. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 35 

Julia. I joke with him now and then, but I 
did not think he was so sensitive as to be hurt 
by it. 

Aunt Susan. You need not pretend ignor- 
ance. You know very well what I mean. He 
is a worthy young man, and well off, too. I 
am afraid you are neglecting him for that rat- 
tle brain, Rivers. 

Julia. I do see more of Tom, to be sure. 

Aunt Susan. I should think you did. These 
abominable politics have made you thick as 
thieves. Your father consults you and Tom 
about everything. He conceals nothing from 
you. You are even permitted to converse with 
the wretches this vile business brings your 
father in contact with. (Servant announces 
Bockbremmer.) That is one of the creatures, 
I suppose. I do not think it safe to leave you 
alone with him, so I will remain here. (Enter 
Bockbremmer.) 

Bockbremmer. Goot morning, laties ! I voot 
speak mit Mr. Rennolts. 

Aunt Susan. Mr. Reynolds is not at home, 
sir. 

Bockbremmer. Mr. Riffers vill do shoost so 
veil. 

Aunt Susan. Mr. Rivers does not live here, 
sir. 

Bockbremmer. I see him here a leetle vile 
13 



36 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

ago, and I expect I shall fint him ven I come 
back. 

Julia. Mr. Rivers has gone out with my 
father, Mr. Bockbremmer. 

Aunt Susan. You seem to be very intimate 
with Mr. Rivers. 

Bockbremmer. Yes, I ish very veil acquvaint 
mit him. He ish spblendit feller. He most 
as goot a Sherman as I. 

Aunt Susan. That is quite an honor to him 
{sarcastically). 

Bockbremmer. Dat ish shoost so, I tink. He 
make himself gompbliment to be like Sher- 
man. 

Julia. Is it anything I can do for you, Mr. 
Bockbremmer? 

Bockbremmer. Never mint; it ish notting 
very particulars. {To Aunt Susan.) Matame, 
Mr. Rennolts and I gif a large barty in my 
garten Suntay. Ve haf blenty lager and 
music and tancing. It vill be a pig ting. You 
shall come, eh ? 

Aunt Susan. This is monstrous, Julia. I 
never thought my brother would allow me to 
be insulted in his own house. Let us leave 
this man. (Goes to C. door.) 

Bockbremmer. Insuldet ! I peg bardon. I 
haf not mean to insuldt. I no speak very veil 
English. Mein Got! vat ish dis I haf say? 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 37 

Julia. It is a mistake of my aunt, Mr. 
Bockbremmer. 

Aunt Susan. Your aunt has indeed made a 
mistake. She did think that her brother had 
some little regard for decency; but, as you 
say, I have made a mistake. 

Bockbremmer. Tecency ! Your brutter ! 
He tance a little mit de girls, but dat ish not 
nasty; I do dat meinself sometime. 

Aunt Susan. Dance with the girls on Sun- 
day ! The Lord have mercy on his soul! But 
I will do my duty by his child at all hazards. 
You must come with me, Julia. {Takes her 
hand and p tills her toivard C. door.) You shall 
not stay in the company of this reprobate a 
moment longer. 

Julia {resisting). You forget yourself. You 
must not insult my father's friends when they 
come to see him. 

Bockbremmer {advancing to separate them). 
Come, come, laties, you shall not fight apout 
me. I no like dat in my garten, and I tinks 
Mr. Rennolts shall not vant him in his house. 
Old laty, let go de girl. 

Aunt Susan {starting back). Old lady in- 
deed ! Insolent scoundrel ! 

Julia {laughing). So you thought we were 
fighting, Mr. Bockbremmer. 

Bockbremmer. Ha ! ha ! I tink you lick 
him ; your arm haf goot muscle. 



38 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

{Enter Rivers.) 

Rivers. Well, Bock, you seem merry. 
What's the joke ? 

Bockbremmer. The old laty shoost been 
goin lick de younk one pecause her fadder tance 
a leetle in de garten. Ha! ha! I laugh till I 
sblit mine site. 

Julia. Mr. Bockbremmer wants to see you, 
Tom. {Aside?) Take him away; I will explain 
afterward. 

Rivers. Come, Bock, Mr. Reynolds is round 
at the garden. We will meet him there. 

Bockbremmer. Veil, that suit me forst-rate. 
Goot morning, laties. You shall no more fight 
apout me, eh ! Ha ! ha ! ( They go out R.) 

Aunt Susan (tvalking up dnd down the room 
in gredt excitement). Fight indeed ! Old lady ! 
Insolent ruffian ! {Stopping in front of Julia?) 
Julia, your father must put a stop to this. 

Julia. I know, aunt, that it is annoying, but 
what can father do? He must make use of 
the ordinary means to secure his election. 

Aunt Susan. If he took half the pains to 
secure the salvation of his soul, it would be 
better for him. He never was very religious ; 
but now I cannot help looking upon him in 
the light of a poor lost creature. 

Julia. Father is not as particular as he 
might be, but 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 39 

Aunt Sicsan. Particular! He is perfectly 
reckless. To think that my own brother 
should spend his time on the Sabbath carous- 
ing in lager beer gardens with a set of heathen- 
ish foreigners. It is enough to drive me mad. 

Julia. Aunt Susan, how cross you are to- 
day ! It is something new for you. 

Aunt Susan. The present goings on in this 
house would try the temper of a saint. It is 
ting-a-ling from morning till night, and every 
hour of the day the door is darkened by the 
countenance of some fearful-looking ruffian 
who comes to see your father on political 
business forsooth. 

{Enter Johnny Muldoon, a political striker, a 
very dirty, loaferish-looking fellozv.) 

Muldoon. That's me. 

{Aunt Susan turns, and seeing him, staggers 
back into a seat. Julia gives a slight scream.) 

Aunt Susan. Who, who are y-you ? 

Muldoon. I am Johnny Muldoon. I heerd 
your remark about political biz, and I said 
that's me. I am on it myself. Where's the 
old man ? The gal at the door wasn't for let- 
ting me in ; but I was afeerd Reynolds might 
be playin' possum, so I thought I would come 
in and see how the land lay. I tell you he's 
got to come down a little more lively, or the 
boys '11 go back on him. 



40 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Julia. I suppose you want to see my 
father. 

Muldoon. I'm a' supposin' that myself. 

Aunt Susan {rising and advancing toward 
Jiini). How dare you break into a gentleman's 
house and frighten his family out of their wits 
by your nefarious presence? 

Muldoon. Draw it mild, old woman. There 
wasn't no breakin' in about it. The gal opened 
the door and I walked past her ; that's all. As 
to your beiir out of your wits, I'm too perlite 
to contradict you. 

Aunt Susan. Out of the house, you bur- 
glarious blackguard ! 

Julia. Aunt ! aunt ! do control yourself. 

Muldoon. I tell you, old gal, there aint no 
use o' callin' me names. I aint goin' to leave 
this house till I've seen Reynolds. 

Aunt Susan. Ruffian, I will call the po- 
lice. 

Muldoon. I guess you'll take it out in callin'. 
I couldn't think o' leavin' on no consideration. 
I'm very fond o' ladies' society, so I'll just sit 
down and make myself agreeable. {Sits 
down.) 

Aunt Susan. Make yourself agreeable! 
Incredible monster ! I will go for help at 
once. {Rushes out of the room.) 

Julia. Mr. Muldoon 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 4 1 

Muldoon. Now you are a talkin'. (Rises 
and bows; sits down again. Julia sits down.) 

Julia. I suppose, sir, you wish to see my 
father about election matters. He is not at 
home just now; but if you have any message 
for him, I will deliver it to him when he comes 
in. 

Muldoon. I see you're a sensible gal, and I 
don't mind tellin' you the old man's prospects 
aint so bright as they might be. He's givin' 
himself away; his hand and his pocket aint 
near enough together to make a first-class 
politician. 

Julia. You mean that he 

Muldoon. That he talks too much with his 
mouth ; he don't let his money have enough 
to say. I've got some of the deestricts down 
here (pulling a paper from his pocket, and 
drawing his chair up beside Julia), and you 
can see for yourself that he hasn't got as good 
a show as he might have. I tell you, them 
deestricts aint goin' to be carried without 
more money. 

{Julia looks over the paper with him. While 
so engaged. Aunt Susan appears at C. door and 
Reynolds at R. door. They look first at Julia 
and Muldoon, and then steadfastly at each 
other, wht 

Reynolds. Why, Susan, what's thi 



42 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Aunt Susan. Oh, brother, brother! For 
shame ! for shame ! To think that you should 
bring this degradation upon your poor, inno- 
cent child ! {She advances and sinks into a 
seat, weeping?) 

Julia {rising). Pa, this gentleman has 
called to see you on political business. {Ap- 
proaching her aunt?) Aunt Susan, don't take 
on so. 
{Reynolds and Muldoon go apart, conversing. 
Enter Rivers and Bockbremmer at R.) 

Rivers. Ah, uncle, we have found you at 
last. 

Muldoon {seeing Bockbremmer). Hello, old 
Swei Lager ! How goes it ? 

Bockbremmer. Veil, Shonny, I don't goes on 
the island, any vay. How you feel since you 
been dere ? I suppose you calls yourself a 
statesman now ? 

Muldoon. Dry up, you old beer barrel, if 
you don't want your head punched in. 

Aunt Susan {rising). How long are these 
atrocities to go on ? 

Bockbremmer. Never mind the loafer, Miss 
Rennolts. I am sorry I speak mit him myself. 
I vish to make mein apologies mit you. I 
voot like to meet you under tifferent circum- 
stances ; but bolitics makes us fellers not very 
veil acquvaint in pet. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 43 

Aunt Susan. Obscene wretch ! Oh, this is 
too much! too much! {Walks up and down 
the room in great excitement^) 

Rivers (laughing). Aunt, you don't under- 
stand him. He means to say that politics 
acquaints a man with strange bed-fellows. 

Aunt Susan {stopping and looking at Rivers 
intently). You precocious young blackguard, 
what do I want with a bed-fellow ? But here 
comes the policeman I sent for ; he will soon 
rid the house of these scoundrels. 

(Enter policeman, who seeing Muldoon ad- 
vances and shakes hand with him cordially, 
exclaiming:) 

Policeman. The top of the morning to you, 
Johnny. 

Aunt Susan (holding up her hands). Truly 
this is pandemonium ! 

END OF ACT II. 



ACT III. 



(Mr. Reynolds' 1 house in the country ; Hastings 
and Rivers seated, conversing.) 

Rivers. You seem very blue, Fred. What's 
the matter with you ? 

Hastings. My looks do not belie my feel- 
ings. I am very much depressed. 



44 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Rivers. What! you; rich, young, hand- 
some ! You ought to be ashamed of yourself. 
Perhaps you are in bad health. 

Hastings. Oh, no; my health is excellent. 
Good health is chronic with me. 

Rivers. Maybe some evil spirit is torment- 
ing you. We read of such things sometimes. 

Hastings. If love is an evil spirit, then one 
is tormenting me. 

Rivers. Oh ! ho ! old boy ! So you confess 
at last. You thought that you were keeping it 
from me. It was a vain attempt. I can see 
what is written on your heart as plainly as if 
it were inclosed in a glass case. 

Hastings. Rivers, you alarm me; is my 
condition so apparent ? Do you suppose any 
one else has noticed it ? 

Rivers. There are perhaps two besides my- 
self who are very likely to have made a shrewd 
guess. 

Hastings. Do you suppose her father has 
observed it ? 

Rivers. Oh, no. Mr. Reynolds is too much 
occupied with his politics to have noticed it. 
But I would not be afraid of him. I think he 
would rather like it than otherwise. 

Hastings. That is some comfort; but, Tom, 
she has behaved very cruelly to me. 

Rivers. Don't give way to that sort of feel- 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 45 

ing. Pluck up a little spirit. Retaliate ; be- 
have cruelly to her. 

Hastings. You never were in love, or you 
would not give that advice. I believe I could 
die to make her happy. 

Rivers. That is as it may be. But don't 
talk of dying. At all events, I don't think 
that would be the way to make her happy. 

Hastings. You jest. Can it be really so ? 
Fool that I am to entertain any such delusive 
hope ! She actually seems to take pleasure in 
making me miserable. 

Rivers. I think that she does like to tan- 
talize you. But what right have you to com- 
plain of her? Have you ever told her that 
you loved her ? 

Hastings. Oh, dear ! no. I have been 
afraid to. 

Rivers. Afraid ! Do you wish her to be 
brave enough to ask you to love her ? 

Hastings. Your talk seems sensible. But 
I tell you a favorable answer is so essential to 
my happiness that I will not risk a refusal by 
asking her in her present humor. 

Rivers. Then I say again, attack her in 
another way. Make her feel jealous. 

Hastings. How can I make her feel jealous 
if she does not care for me ? 

Rivers. And I say again, in your place how 



4-6 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

are you to find out whether or not she cares 
for you unless you try to make her jealous ? 
You won't ask her the plump question, and 
my plan seems to be the only other way to 
find out. 

Hastings. But how am I going to make 
her jealous ? 

Rivers. By making love to somebody else, 
of course. 

Hastings. Where will I find that somebody 
else ? 

Rivers. What do you say to Miss Barker? 

Hastings. I have too much regard for her 
to trifle with her feelings. I ought to have 
some flirt to practice on. 

Rivers. Don't be alarmed about her feel- 
ings. Take my word for it, you will not dis- 
turb their equanimity. 

Hastings. You certainly do not flatter me. 
Are you not rather confident for one who is 
presumably ignorant of the young lady's pre- 
dilections ? 

Rivers. Oh ! since I have turned politician 
I have made great strides in knowledge of 
human nature. 

Hastings. I wish I had some of your self- 
confidence. But the plan will not answer. 
Julia is as proud as Lucifer, and would rather 
die than show any pique. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 47 

Rivers. I have something auxiliary to it. I 
propose to make love to Julia. 

Hastings. Indeed ! Do you call it the part 
of a friend to gain the affections of the girl I 
love after you have wormed my secret out of 
me ? I was a fool to put any confidence in 
you. 

Rivers. You certainly do not give me a 
very vivid idea of your acuteness by that 
remark. Do you suppose that I would tell 
you if I were going to betray you ? 

Hastings. Forgive me. I am so miserable 
and nervous that I am not really myself. 

Rivers. All right. What do you think of 
my plan ? 

Hastings. I do not see the exact drift of it. 
How is it likely to operate in my favor ? 

Rivers. Do you not see that she will 
refuse me ? 

Hastings. But what will that prove ? 

Rivers. That she loves you, of course. 

Hastings. You think that nothing but a 
prior attachment would enable her to resist 
your blandishments. Tom, I must say that 
your egotism approaches the sublime. 

Rivers. Have I not told you that I think 
she loves you ? Would not her refusal go to 
prove it ? And if, in addition, she appears 
jealous of your attentions to Nelly, all the cir- 



48 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

cumstances will present a strong case in your 
favor. 

Hastings. Thank you, Tom ; you have in- 
spired me with hope. 

Rivers. We can commence operations this 
very day. In the meantime, suppose we go 
and take a walk. ( They go out together?) 

Julia {stepping out from an alcove in the 
room). I have played the eavesdropper from 
the force of circumstances. I thought I would 
run down here for this book which I had left 
on the table, and when they came in I had to 
run into the alcove there, as my hair was down 
and there were some other irregularities in my 
dress. I could not help listening, so that I 
can enjoy the secret I have discovered with- 
out feeling mean. Poor Fred ! I feel sorry 
for him. If he can't speak for himself, he has 
an advocate here {placing her hand on her 
heart) which is eloquent in his favor. But I 
will lead Mr. Tom a dance. I will accept him, 
and see how Mr. Impudence will get himself 
out of the scrape. His conceit is perfectly 
delicious. I wish Fred was more like him in 
that respect. I must go, however, or I will be 
caught again. {Goes out C. door.) 
{Enter L, Nelly with palette and brushes, and 
Hastings carrying an easel?) 

Nelly. I am sorry to give you so much 
trouble, Mr. Hastings. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 49 

Hastings. Don't mention it. I am glad 
that I met you. It affords me a good excuse 
to avoid a long walk that I was about to take. 

Nelly. Thank you ; but I am afraid that 
your politeness does not permit you to be 
quite frank. 

Hastings. Not at all. I would greatly pre- 
fer to remain here and see you paint ; that is. 
if my presence will not annoy you. 

Nelly. On the contrary, it will afford me 
pleasure. {Arranging her easel and palette 
and seating herself to paint '.) Are you fond of 
paintings, Mr. Hastings ? 

Hastings [taking a chair and seating himself 
beside her). Very, and especially of autum- 
nal woodland scenes such as this. I greatly 
admire the brilliant colors of the foliage. 

Nelly. To me, at this time of the year, the 
woods are very like fairy land. They have an 
unreal-looking beauty. 

Hastings. I agree with you. I have come 
across some landscapes which if I had seen 
on canvas before I found them in nature, I 
would have considered not real but fancy 
sketches. 

Nelly. A proof of the common expression 
that "truth is stranger than fiction." 

Hastings. But in one sense fiction is reality. 

Nelly. I do not exactly gather your mean- 
ing. 



50 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Hastings. I mean that we live in the fu- 
ture more than in the present ; and you know 
that the future only exists in our imagination. 
Hope whispers in our ears, and while we are 
listening to her we forget where we are and 
everything around us, till disappointment, 
with a rude shake, wakes us from our pleasant 
dreams. 

Nelly. Surely, disappointment nevercrossed 
your path, Mr. Hastings. You must be one 
of the favored few, so happy in your circum- 
stances that there is not anything for even 
hope to suggest. 

Hastings. You think so ? but life is with- 
out salt to me. There is no enjoyable flavor 
about it. You have truly said even hope has 
no voice for me. 

Nelly. Mr. Hastings, might I — I (She 

stops, embarrassed, and drops her brush. They 
both stoop to pick it tip and their heads meet. 
At this moment Julia and Rivers enter.) 

Julia. Let us retire, Tom, we have inter- 
rupted a veritable tete-a-tete. 

Rivers. Yes, it was head to head, and no 
mistake. 

Nelly. I dropped my brush and we were 
picking it up. 

Julia. It must be a pretty heavy brush if 
it takes two to lift it. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 5 1 

Rivers. Yes, I should think Miss Barker's 
arm would ache wielding such a club. 

Julia. Tom, maybe one of the trees fell 
out of her picture there, and they mistook it 
for a brush. 

Nelly. I almost wish that one would fall 
out now and knock you over, you provoke me 
so. But, dear me, the brush in falling- has 
blotted out the top of one of my trees. 

Rivers. Perhaps it was beheaded for high 
tree-son. 

Hastings. Now, Tom, that you have made 
a pun you must feel happy. 

Rivers. Not nearly as happy as you must 
have felt in the situation in which we sur- 
prised you. 

Julia. Nelly, how did you like it ? I be- 
lieve he was actually kissing you. 

Nelly. Wretches, stop your chatter or you 
will compel me to leave the room. 

Julia. It would be a pity to deprive you 
of the pleasure of remaining where you are, 
so, Tom, you get the chess board and we'll 
have a game. It will keep us quiet. 

Rivers. And give us a chance to whisper 
to each other in the same way they were 
doing. 

Julia. Besides affording me an opportu- 

14 



52 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

nity to box your ears, Mr. Impudence, if you 
are saucy. 

Rivers {gets chess table and men and ar- 
ranges chairs). Anything for peace and a 
quiet life. Here, Julia, come and place your 
own men in order of battle. 
{They sit down and begin the game. Hastings 
and Nelly remain seated together?) 

Julia. The order of battle is quite an Irish 
idea of a quiet life. 

Rivers. Perhaps you are not aware that I 
am a lineal descendent of the biggest O of 
the Emerald Isle. 

Julia. How can a Rivers be descended 
from an Irishman ? 

Rivers. Are not rivers good things to de- 
scend ? But, Julia, if you will criticize my 
pedigree, do it grammatically. I beg of you, 
don't say a Rivers again. 

Julia. Do stop talking, Tom. I believe 
there must be some truth in what you say 
about your ancestry, for your tongue is as in- 
terminable as the roundest O that ever rolled 
out of an Irishman's mouth. 

Nelly. Yes, like a circle, there is no end to 
it. 

Hastings. And what it says amounts to 
naught. 

Rivers. It is never guilty of such naughty 
things as you were a while ago. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 53 

Julia. Attend to your chess, Tom, and 
leave them to their painting. 

Rivers. I must interfere when they at- 
tempt to paint my character in such black 
colors. 

Julia. Play, Tom, play ! 

Rivers. Don't be too anxious for me to 
play; there, I have taken your knight. 

Julia. That is impossible. 

Rivers. Why ? 

Julia. Because you are my knight, and you 
can't take yourself, although I must say you 
have a rather taking way with you. 

{Hastings, who while pretending to look at 
Nelly s picture, has been listening attentively, 
now moves uneasily in his chair. Nelly is ap- 
parently engrossed by her pai7iting.) 

Rivers. How sweet, from such lips, those 
words sound in my ears. {Placing his hand 
on hers.) What a beautiful hand you have ! 

Hastings {absently). Yes. 

Rivers. I was not speaking of your num- 
ber tens. 

Hastings. Your interest in your subject 
seemed to be intense, nevertheless. 

Rivers. They say that any man who makes 
a pun should be hanged. 

Hastings. If that had been a law you 
would not have cumbered the earth long. 



54 MR- REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Nelly {rising). Come, Mr. Hastings, with 
me; I must take another look at the subject 
of my picture. It does not suit me as it is. 
I am afraid I have left out something I should 
have put in. 

Hastings (rising). With pleasure. 

Julia. Stop, Nelly, and take your brush 
with you; you might drop it again, and 
then 

Rivers {humming a tune). 

" I married a wife, O, then, 
I married a wife, 
She's the plague of my life, 
I wish I was single again." 

Nelly. Mr. Hastings, I am afraid that we 
will never hear the last of that unfortunate 
brush. Let us leave these mountebanks. 
{They go out.) 

Rivers. Now that we are alone, Julia, I 
will have an opportunity to speak to you on a 
subject near my heart. 

Julia. Do you confess to owning a heart ? 

Rivers. Yes, and it has been a full one for 
many a long day. 

Julia. Of blood, you mean ? 

Rivers. How can you jest, Julia? You 
must have seen it long ago. 

Julia. Oh, dear, no ! I would have trem- 
bled for your life if I had. It is not attached 
to vour watch chain as a charm, is it? 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 55 

Rivers. Xo, Julia, but it is attached to 
you. When I said you must have seen it I 
did not mean my heart, but the affection with 
which it is filled for you. 

Julia. Oh, Tom, can I believe my ears ? 

Rivers. Do, Julia, for my sake have faith 
in them and believe in my love for you. 

Julia. What do you hope from my faith ? 

Rivers. That you will have the charity to 
accept the poor offering of my hand which, 
on bended knee, I now make you. (He gets 
down on one knee and takes her hand and kisses 
it. She puts a hand on his shoulder and lean- 
ing her head on it, says:) 

Julia. Ask pa. 

Rivers (rising and gently disengaging him- 
self). Dear Julia, you know that I am poor. 

Julia. But are not we rich in love ? {Rises.) 

Rivers. But, dearest, we cannot live on 
that wealth, and I was going to say that you 
will have to wait a long time. 

Julia. Talk not of time; an eternity would 
not seem long now that I am assured of your 
love. 

Rivers (aside). The devil! (Aloud.) But 
think, Julia, your father might object. 

Julia. Pa will do anything that I want 
him to. He thinks only of my happiness. 

Rivers. How kind he is. (Aside.) I wish 
to thunder he was not quite so obliging. 



56 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Julia. Oh, Tom, you don't know how kind 
he is. Besides, Tom, he likes you almost as 
much as I do {putting her arms around his 
neck). I will tell him this afternoon that you 
have something important to say to him. It 
will make it easy for you to open the subject. 
He will understand without much explana- 
tion. Oh, how happy we shall be! {Kisses 
him. Hastings enters ; he starts back aston- 
ished. Julia, seeing liim, gives a scream and 
rushes out.) 

Hastings. So this is the result of your 
plan. But why should I complain ? With 
men of the world everything is fair in love 
and war. 

Rivers. Oh, damn it ! don't irritate me 
with your suspicions at the very moment I 
have got myself into the most infernal scrape 
that ever befell a poor wretch. 

Hastings. You seemed to think the situa- 
tion rather agreeable than otherwise, just 
now. 

Rivers. Do be reasonable. A young fel- 
low wouldn't be human if he did not enjoy 
having a pretty girl's arms round his neck. It 
is the one lump of sugar in the cup of bitter- 
ness I am called upon to swallow. 

Hastings. Confound you ! I wish the cup 
was deep enough to drown you. You have 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. S7 

robbed me of all chance of happiness. You 
have stolen the affections of the girl I love. 

Rivers. Hastings, we have been friends 
from boyhood, but I tell you plainly that I 
cannot stand your reproaches much longer, 
conscious as I am of the most perfect integ- 
rity in my dealings in this matter. I can 
truly say that I had not even the shadow of 
an idea that she loved me. 

Hastings {sinking dozvn on a chair and 
groaning aloud). Loved you ? She confessed 
that she loved you ? 

Rivers {putting his hand on Hastings' shoul- 
der). Hastings, don't give way so. I would 
give my right hand to undo this morning's 
work. I sincerely sympathize with you, for I 
am in love myself. I know how I would feel 
if you should tell me that Nelly had confessed 
that she loved you. 

Hastings. Rivers, forgive me ! I was a fool 
to doubt you, but that girl's conduct has put 
me in such a state of mind that I am almost 
distracted. I must blame myself, however; 
I should have been more outspoken with 
her, especially when I knew that you and 
she were together every day. That accursed 
politics has done it all. 

Rivers. The very intimacy you allude to 
kept out of my mind all idea of love between 
us. 



58 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Hastings. Not on her part, it appears. 

Rivers. I do not see what is left for me to 
do but to run away, for I have promised to 
ask her father for his consent to our marriage. 

Hastings. None of that, Rivers. Let us 
finish like men if we have begun like fools. 
As an honorable man you cannot refuse to 
marry her after having asked her to be your 
wife; and as a man who owes something to 
his self-respect, I must acquiesce without 
whining, in a result which I cannot prevent. 
But I never will be happy again. 

Rivers. Nor I, for I must give up Nelly. 

Hastings. I will leave here to-morrow. I 
will go abroad again, and endeavor to distract 
my mind by travel. 

Rivers. What a confounded mess I have 
made of it ! I lose my friend and the girl I 
love, and get a wife I don't want. But I 
won't be married long. Hang me if I don't 
get a divorce, on the ground of incompatibil- 
ity of temper, before the honeymoon is over. 

Hastings. Joking about your own misery ! 
Rivers, I wish I had your disposition. But if 
I am going to-morrow, I must go and pack up. 
{Goes out.) 

Rivers. Poor Fred ! I don't know whether 
I pity him or myself most. And Nelly — but 
the thought drives me wild. {Goes out R.) 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 59 

{Enter Reynolds C.) 

Reynolds. I can't rest still a moment. I am 
sorry that I did not remain in the city. This 
place is so quiet that I can almost hear my 
uneasy thoughts as they pass through my 
brain. I wonder how this eventful day is go- 
ing to terminate. I do wish I had some news 
of the election. Barker said he might be up 
in the early train. 

{Enter Julia and Barker}) 

Julia. Pa, here is Mr. Barker come back 
without any news of the election. Isn't it too 
bad? 

Reynolds. How is it, Barker; no bulletins 
or anything of that kind ? 

Barker. The fact of the matter is, Rey- 
nolds, I had a piece of business which kept me 
in my office all day, and, indeed, has filled my 
mind to the exclusion of everything else. I 
saw Bockbremmer last night, however, and he 
said, if the news was favorable he would come 
up and tell you. 

Rivers {coming in). Ah, Mr. Barker, what 
news ? 

Reynolds. He has not brought any, Tom. 
I am terribly disappointed. I don't see how I 
can wait till morning. 

Rivers. You needn't do that. I will take 
the next train for the city, and telegraph you 
what I learn. 



60 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Reynolds. My dear boy, this adds another 
favor to the many you have done me during 
this canvass. I will not forget it, Tom, and if 
ever you want anything from me, just mention 
it. 
{Enter Hastings and Nelly, who go apart and 

occupy themselves looking over an album}) 

Julia. There, Tom, what did I tell you ? 
Pa, Tom has a question to ask you. Come, 
Tom, strike while the iron is hot. 

Rivers. I have not time now; I must catch 
the train. {Going}) 

Reynolds {taking out his watch). Stop, Tom, 
there is no hurry. You have an hour yet; 
time enough to ask a hundred questions. 

Rivers. Not now; this election matter is 
on my mind. {Going.) 

Reynolds. Stay, Tom, don't run away in 
that manner. I suppose your question is all 
ready, and it can't be a great strain on your 
intellect merely to ask it. 

Julia. True enough, pa; it is a very easy 
question. 

Rivers. If you think it is so easy, why 
don't you ask it yourself, Julia? 

Julia. Tom ! Do you remember what you 
are talking about? You know that I cannot 
tell it. You know that it is something you 
must ask, yourself. 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 6l 

Barker. With the true instinct of a poli- 
tician, he is going to ask you for an office in 
case you should be elected. 

Reynolds. Tom knows there is nothing in 
my gift that I will refuse. 

Julia. There, Tom, what more encourage- 
ment do you want ? I told you pa would not 
refuse you. 

Rivers. Thank you, uncle; but — but I'm in 
no hurry about it. Some other time will do. 

Julia. Some other time ! Not in a hurry ! 
What's the matter, Tom ? 

Rivers. To tell the truth, I don't feel very 
well just now. I have a pain. I — I have a 
diffidence. {Stops, embarrassed.) 

Barker. Oh, if you feel diffident, I don't 
wonder that it pains you. It must be a new 
sensation to you. 

Reynolds. The novelty of the feeling seems 
to alarm him. See how pale he grows. 

Rivers. Really, sir, my heart is filled with 
conflicting emotions. I can't find words. 
{Stops, confused}) 

Julia. Shall I help you, Tom ? You know 
how I must feel for you. 

(A pause ; Tom looks over at Nelly and Hast- 
ings in a bezuildered sort of way.) 

Rivers. Yes — no — thank you — but you 
surprise me — indeed! {Emphatically.) Damn 
it! 



62 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

Julia {putting her handkerchief to her face 

and pretending to cry). How cruel you are to 
swear at me ! You didn't talk that way a 
while ago. Oh ! how mortified I am ! {She 
pretends to break dozen, and throwing her arms 
round her father's neck, hides her face on his 
breast.) 

Reynolds {angrily). Speak out, or I will 
find means to make you. Have you dared to 
trifle with the feelings of my daughter? I 
begin to suspect as much. Am I right, Julia, 
dear ? 

{Nelly looks eagerly at Tom; Julia still leans 
on her father.) 

Barker. Stop, Reynolds, don't lose your 
temper. If the young fellow has been making 
love to your daughter, and is called upon to 
confess it before us all, you should not wonder 
at his hesitation. 

Rivers. That's just it. 

{At this Nelly faints ; Hastings stands mo- 
tionless, apparently stupefied ; Rivers advances 
to pick her up, shouting :) 

Rivers. Hastings, run for water ! "Open 
the windows ! My darling ! my darling ! 
{Julia goes to Nellys assistance^) 

Barker {pushing Rivers aside). Scoundrel ! 
Villain ! 



MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 63 

Reynolds. The insolent jackanapes ! To 
trifle with the affections of my daughter ! 

{Hastings having gone for zvater, returns, 
and Julia sprinkles some on Nelly s face. She 
recovers, opens her eyes, and says :) 

Nelly. What has happened ? Oh ! I re- 
member. The heat of the room overpowered 
me. Father, I feel ill ; we had better go and 
take a little air. 

Barker. My poor child ! You black-hearted 
villain ! {Shaking his fist at Rivers?) 

Jnlia. Will all of you be quiet and listen 
to me ? This is my doing, and I see that I 
have carried the joke a little too far. I over- 
heard a conversation between Mr. Hastings 
and Mr. Rivers in this room not long ago. I 
was surprised, and had to put into the alcove 
there, as the sailors say, under stress of wea- 
ther. In short, I was not presentable, and did 
not wish to be seen. They will understand 
when I say that I wished to play them a trick. 
Be satisfied, pa and Mr. Barker, Tom is not a 
villain, although I must say in self-defense 
that he is a most conceited wretch. 

{At this Mr. Reynolds and Mr. Barker stand 
looking at each other in open-montJied astonisJi- 
ment; Rivers dances round the room shouting, 
"She is a trump" ; Hastings approaches Julia, 
appears to converse with her. When quiet is 



64 MR. REYNOLDS RUNS FOR CONGRESS. 

restored^ he advances to Mr. Reynolds, Jiolding 
Julia by the hand, and says :) 

Hastings. Since Tom refuses to ask you his 
question, I will ask you mine. 

Reynolds. Out with it, and let me have a 
little light on these extraordinary proceed- 
ings. 

Hastings. With your daughter's permission, 
I ask of you her hand in marriage. 

Reynolds. Take her, Hastings, and with her 
my blessing. But, hark, what's that noise in 
the hall ? I think I hear the Dutchman's 
voice. 
{Enter Bockbremmer, hat in hand, shouting:) 

Bockbremmer. Tree sheer? Hip! hip! 
hurra ! Oh, I feel so glat ! Hi, tittle tittle, de 
cat unt de fittle, de cow shump ofer de moon ! 
I feel so lide I coot shump so high like dat 
cow. I ish so happy as if I swvim in a great 
pig parrel of lager. {Advancing and shaking 
hands with Mr. Reynolds) How you too, 
honnoruble Mr. Rennolts ? 

Reynolds. Then I have been elected. 

Bockbremmer. You guees him de forst time. 

Hastings. And I have been elected. 

Rivers {who has been talking apart with 
Nelly). The vote in my case has not yet been 
taken, but I think you may count me in. 






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